I feel your pain. It's hard to understand how someone changes so radically. You need to take care of yourself too. I'm on meds, seeing a therapist, reaching out on this site and praying constantly. Hang in there man. Life sucks right now but our kids need us. It will get better for us if we can take care of ourselves first and stabilize and just take it from there.

Thanks. Yes I've been doing my best at changing the self destruction. Still can't kick smoking but I am cutting back for the New Year. Mainly due to chest pains and shortness of breath. Been wrecking myself with the bottle too but I've decided it's finally time to turn a new leaf and quit. Just easy to want to drown your sorrows when you can't see or protect what means most. I don't know that I can afford the meds or therapy with all the lawyer debt and everything else. But it feels good to talk on here to someone who understands. I appreciate your reply and feel free to vent back about your situation if you want.

Do try and ease up on the smoking and drinking. I know it helps short-term, but really is so bad for you. Mine says he doesn't need any meds, so he's been on a roll of some pretty outlandish ideas and sending me pics of him and another woman. Why do people hurt the ones they're supposed to love? Wish I had the answer. Try to take care of yourself. It's ok to let it all out sometimes, but try and be strong for your kids. Listen and be there for them. Sorry for what you're suffering through.

I'm brand new to this site and kind of figuring out how it works. I sent you a message. Thanks again for the advice. I will try much harder to get healthy than i have been. I appreciate the support and Hope to hear back.

Please seek professional counseling immediately

I feel your pain. My STBX has made up all kinds of lies about me too, and the kids feel sorry for him even though he was the abusive spouse. It isn't fair.

You've got to pull yourself out of this depression ASAP. Some ideas that have helped me are:
--You said you don't normally reach out. Well, it's time to figure out how to do that in a way that works for you. I'm intensely private, so it was hard for me too. If you can't get yourself into see a therapist face to face (which I think is truly the most helpful), try online counseling from a place like Betterhelp.
--Keep coming to this Daily Strength site for support.
--Call a friend (who is not a friend of your ex) and go out to coffee. Vent, cry, do whatever you need to do to process your feelings.
--Make yourself a playlist of songs focused on being strong and play it everyday. Eye of the Tiger, Stronger, Fight song, etc.
-Exercise like crazy! It reduces stress.
--Try to be the best parent you can whenever you talk to or see your kids. Send them positive text messages, tell them you love them, etc.
--Journal. Writing about your feelings gets them out of your mind and onto paper....or the computer.
--This is super difficult, but take the high road. Don't talk negatively to mutual friends (people who know both you and your ex) about your ex. If you're like me, you might just have to tell them that you can't talk about it right now....
--Stay away from all negative habits--especially drinking and drugs, but also limit or eliminate the smoking.
--Start new hobbies---anything to keep busy and keep your mind off of your ex and the negativity.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I feel that it is helping already. Unfortunately I can't afford professional counseling or I would try it. But I simply can't with everything else going on in my life at this time. Part of the reason I am talking on here. It has been taking every dime to keep up with lawyer fees, supervised visits, and everything else. Every extra penny I have has to be put aside for anticipated child support. Which is almost nothing anyways. I am quite determined to not drink anymore so I am very optimistic about that. Plus I need to save all my money so I have been able to cut back to about 5 or less cigs a day. Which is a big improvement for me from over a pack a day. Though it hasnt been long i have high hopes that i can keep it up. Of course the lows sneak up and it is hard to not lose that optimism at times. Thanks trueblue for the sound advice. I will message you since I don't know if people who post actually see my replies when I post it this way. It feels good to talk about it and I appreciate all of you.

I understand your pain as I too was with a woman for three years and raised her girls and now I can't see them at all, it rips my heart out everyday, I have the issues and I realized I gotta fix me, alcohol is a bitch, but in the end I'm taking care of me and seeking support from other avenues to better myself, only thing that matters is you be there for your kids and be you

I am new at this too. I understand the pain, its absolutely terrible. You cant eat, you cant sleep, your distracted all the time, its emotionally and physically exhausting. My husband of 15 years is moving out- found a place today actually. I have been staying with my sister until he is gone. I cannot trust myself to talk to him or face him, I am too emotional. I know deep down its for the best, as all we do is constantly fight. This last year he has began drinking quite heavily and has been hiding it. I know it has changed him, he is mean, nasty and basically blames me for everything. He is in complete denial about his addiction, he drank before I met him and for the first 10 years didn't drink at all. We have a blended family and my last straw was he began treating my daughter poorly- she is 16, saying mean things to her and ignoring her (the way he has treating me). The loneliness is what unbearable. I don't have much in the way of family, he was it. Its so painful when someone we give our hearts to hurt us so badly- such a betrayal of our trust. For me I have began writing all the mean things I would like to say to him, but wont since I want to take the high road, is pretty therapeutic, I call him names and cuss... a lot. Makes me feel good to get those things off my chest. People keep telling me I cant control him, only myself. I have to focus on me and my daughter for now- a lot easier said than done at this point. My heart goes out to everyone on this site, so much heartache and sadness. I hope things work out for you, and you get to see your children.

Thank you all for your comments and sharing some of your own situation with me. It helps allot to know there are other people who have been burned and deal with the same heartache. I will send a message to everyone of you that shares with me and relates. I'm definitely on a low right now and I appreciate so much that there are so many great, caring people on here to talk to. My heart goes out to all of you

Dude! That's my story. Wife on miscellaneous Rx, irrational. Can't speak to her. I was smoking a pack a day, drinking so I can go to sleep at night. Mine was out banging an unemployed plumber while I was taking care of the house and going to work every day. I lost 20 lbs in a month and living on 3-4 hours of sleep per night. Mine could cry at will to get what she wanted from both her parents and me. Don't have any kids, but besides that we could cut and paste. Send me an email and we can talk sometime. My life is not 100%, but it's better and I look forward to what lies ahead. Good luck!

I hear you about the cost of counseling. What about a 12-step group like Celebrate Recovery or a divorce recovery group like DivorceCare? Sounds like you are trying to do the best for yourself. Hang in there, and keep up the good work!