Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi- this is my first post here. My husband filed for divorce after 21 years.
Thank you for being here- I was not sure where to turn
Been with my husband 21 years.
We lost a child in 2003 and have had many deaths since. He seems to internalize these deaths and it's made him a different person... quiet, no sense of humor and he does nothing but sit in front of the TV on the internet.
Four years ago I had an "emotional affair". I was NOT attracted to this person in any way, it was just a silly online thing and phone thing. We were childhood friends and he would tell me I was smart, funny and all the things we love to hear.
My marriage had been dull for a long time. My husband paid me almost NO attention and never showed appreciation for all the things I did. I am nurturer. I worked full time, kept a clean house and raised all 3 (sometimes 4) kids.
I had always missed where I grew up, and when I reconnected with all my old friends back home, I decided to leave my husband and go back home. Things had come to a head, my husband was depressed and I wanted my freedom. This male friend I had the emotional affair with there also- but I ONLY was a friend. he did NOT hit on me or try anything with me and vise-versa.
I am VERY good at boundaries with other men and Im only friends with males that are gay or that Im NOT attracted to.
I packed up my stuff and left..... I was torn- I was happy to be back "home" and with my friends support (4 girlfriends and even a family member rallied around me for support) - but I missed my husband horribly.
He asked me to come back, so i did after 3 months. It was painful and horrible being alone.... and I missed him and home.
BEFORE our separation, he was dull and not paying me any attention- but were were somewhat happy.
SINCE I CAME HOME: My husbands unbearable... he's STILL upset about this emotional affair. Again: I NEVER cared for this other guy or even touched him. This may sound cold- but I just liked hearing nice things about myself... nothing more.
My husband has become obsessed with checking my FB, every email, every single online message. Although I have done nothing since Ive been back (and had done NOTHING before that).. he wont let it go.
Worse- he's gotten controlling. It's escalated to CONSTANT internet monitoring, and sometimes yelling at me.
he holds resentment over what happened 4 years ago- he wont let it go. He cant move on.
I have caught him online looking at adult websites- I have forgiven him and moved on... it;s almost like my husband is INCAPABLE of forgiveness.
I have been staying because I was scare of being alone. Now for the 4th time in so many years, he's filed for divorce AGAIN. This time it's because of me being on twitter. (not doing anything- just tweeting)
I have the feeling the root of this is me being on social media.
I KNOW he's using the divorce as a tool to control me. This time- I am over it and want to move on.
I am SCARED TO DEATH of being alone... I know I must do this...
How do I get through adjusting my life at 45 to being alone?
How do I stay away from someone I've loved for 25 years of my life?? How am I EVER going to let go??
If anyone has any advice- let me know.
-BethinMiami
Thank you for being here- I was not sure where to turn
Been with my husband 21 years.
We lost a child in 2003 and have had many deaths since. He seems to internalize these deaths and it's made him a different person... quiet, no sense of humor and he does nothing but sit in front of the TV on the internet.
Four years ago I had an "emotional affair". I was NOT attracted to this person in any way, it was just a silly online thing and phone thing. We were childhood friends and he would tell me I was smart, funny and all the things we love to hear.
My marriage had been dull for a long time. My husband paid me almost NO attention and never showed appreciation for all the things I did. I am nurturer. I worked full time, kept a clean house and raised all 3 (sometimes 4) kids.
I had always missed where I grew up, and when I reconnected with all my old friends back home, I decided to leave my husband and go back home. Things had come to a head, my husband was depressed and I wanted my freedom. This male friend I had the emotional affair with there also- but I ONLY was a friend. he did NOT hit on me or try anything with me and vise-versa.
I am VERY good at boundaries with other men and Im only friends with males that are gay or that Im NOT attracted to.
I packed up my stuff and left..... I was torn- I was happy to be back "home" and with my friends support (4 girlfriends and even a family member rallied around me for support) - but I missed my husband horribly.
He asked me to come back, so i did after 3 months. It was painful and horrible being alone.... and I missed him and home.
BEFORE our separation, he was dull and not paying me any attention- but were were somewhat happy.
SINCE I CAME HOME: My husbands unbearable... he's STILL upset about this emotional affair. Again: I NEVER cared for this other guy or even touched him. This may sound cold- but I just liked hearing nice things about myself... nothing more.
My husband has become obsessed with checking my FB, every email, every single online message. Although I have done nothing since Ive been back (and had done NOTHING before that).. he wont let it go.
Worse- he's gotten controlling. It's escalated to CONSTANT internet monitoring, and sometimes yelling at me.
he holds resentment over what happened 4 years ago- he wont let it go. He cant move on.
I have caught him online looking at adult websites- I have forgiven him and moved on... it;s almost like my husband is INCAPABLE of forgiveness.
I have been staying because I was scare of being alone. Now for the 4th time in so many years, he's filed for divorce AGAIN. This time it's because of me being on twitter. (not doing anything- just tweeting)
I have the feeling the root of this is me being on social media.
I KNOW he's using the divorce as a tool to control me. This time- I am over it and want to move on.
I am SCARED TO DEATH of being alone... I know I must do this...
How do I get through adjusting my life at 45 to being alone?
How do I stay away from someone I've loved for 25 years of my life?? How am I EVER going to let go??
If anyone has any advice- let me know.
-BethinMiami
I am so terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your child. I cannot imagine a greater pain. Did you or your husband ever receive any type of therapy? If not, do you think he would consider it now? Did he ever express his feelings to you?
I understand all too well about what you mean about being ignored by your husband. My husband used to come home from work, go straight to work in the den, and would stay there until he went to bed. He barely spoke to me, let alone help me with the kids. If you are like me, the anger and resentment just built and built until I thought I would explode.
It would seem that his hanging on to this perceived emotional affair is just the symptom of a bigger problem....especially since he's filed for divorce before.
I wish you the best of luck. I know it's hard and it doesn't seem like it now, but you will get through this. You might even find that you come out stronger on the other side.
I understand how an emotional affair happens. I also understand about being neglected by your spouse. Did you get counseling once the EA was out in the open? Both individual and couples? Is that something he would consider now? It sounds like you both are just so hurt. So much pain in a relatively short time. I've not had to deal with affairs in my situation, but I know there are a lot on here who do, and I really think forgiveness when it comes to infidelity of any kind is based on the individual and not a timeline. It does sound like you have done what you could to repair the situation. If he is using the threat of divorce to control you, that's not cool. We all make mistakes.
It is all going to take time. The lonliness can be unbearable at first, but with time it isn't so bad. Try and stay busy, find new interests. Just take things one day at a time. There is a lot of great support here. Take advantage of it. Good luck and gentle hugs.
What do you think would happen if you gave up social media for a while? THe reason I ask, is that was one of my husband''s conduits for finding people to cheat with, before he started using dating websites. I would have taken it as a positive move toward working on our marriage if he would have stopped using that venue. If it is contributing to problems and you want to work on the marriage, why don't you just not use them for a bit?
Are you doing things to make him feel more comfortable? Are you going out of your way to show how much you regret what happened and showing him that you are ready to repair the marriage? If so, then he should let up and give it a chance. My husband never showed me anything. His actions were louder than words so I just became more and more paranoid. IT was a complete nightmare.
I've been separated for 6 months now and holding off on divorce papers until I'm emotional ready. I'm lonely but not as lonely as I was when I was with him. It sounds so weird but it's so true and I think many of the folks on this forum know exactly what I'm talking about.
I wish you peace and much luck.
Dashy 120
Sounds like you should take some time solo to do some soul searching - maybe seek counseling - go for long walks, etc. I do get that your husband would be insecure because of that emotional affair that you had but I think the message behind this is something else, you sound bored to be honest - and I can see why that would be. Sounds like you are somewhat of a social bug and he's not.
If you truly love this person, I say, go seek counseling together - if you don't and you are just with him out of routine - I would walk. Life is too short to keep doing the same old thing - 45 isn't old - being alone isn't nearly as dreadful as people make it sound - but it depends on what type of person you are.
I don't have a concrete advise to give you because you do not sound like you have major issues - again, you sound bored and at a stale place in life - so get up and do something about it. That's the only advise I have.
Good luck