I found these boards this morning hoping to find some help somewhere. I need help so badly. I can't even function anymore because I am so low and lost. I can't take the pain anymore. Here's a summary of what's going on.

My hubby and I are 35 and we don't have kids. We've been married for over 9 years. We met our sophomore year of college, started dating in 1996 and have been together ever since. He was my first serious boyfriend, the only person I've been intimate with and up until recently has been my best friend. I have no idea what is going on with him. In August he started acting cold toward me. It has spiraled out of control and he barely talks to me now, he won't hug, he won't kiss, he won't even give me the time of day. He acts very depressed and moody which is totaly out of character for him. We started marriage counseling two weeks ago but I'm having a hard time getting the stupid counselor to call me back to make another appointment. We saw her once as a couple, he saw her last week individually and I'm still trying to get in with her to make my individual appointment. I'm fustrated that I'm having such a hard time getting her to return my calls. Everyone else I've mentioned it to agrees it's not very professional but my hubby got mad at me and blamed me for not making it a priority to get an appointment with her. I can't force her to call me back. I am questioning her credibility since she can't even return a call. My hubby says he's acting like this because he's sick and tired of me being mean to him. I guess he thinks I'm rude and cold to him which I can see somewhat but I'm willing to work on it. He says I've had our entire marriage to work on improving and I haven't so he's not sure he wants to stay married.I will admit I have a bad temper. I think I have A.D.H.D and have a short attention span, I don't communicate very well, I'm impatient, and I do get mad quickly but I also think he's very senstive and takes things too personally which is why I haven't fixed everything he's complained about. I am really trying to change. I've checked out tons of books on ADHD and I'm reading tons of relationship books to work on being a better wife. One example of how he thinks I'm rude relates to bad breath. Years ago I told him he had bad breath. My intent was to tell him so he could brush or get gum so he wouldn't be around his co-workers with bad breath and repulse them. To him that was rude but my family is very blunt with each other and we actually appreciate hearing that so we don't embarass ourselves by smelling. I respect that he thinks it's rude so I started phrasing it a little kinder and offered him gum but he still gets upset. I was only trying to help. We bicker over stuff like that all the time.

Sex has also been an issue. I know he doesn't get it as much as he would like but I'm working on that now. I'm getting bloodwork done today and have a doctor's appt. Friday to see if my hormones are off or what else could be wrong with me. I'm working on everything now but he's not doing anything to work on our relationship. Things have been really bad for four months. I keep asking him how things are going to get better when he's not making any effort. Why do I have to be the one to change? He thinks he has done nothing wrong which blows me away! For the first 4 or 5 years of our marriage he had a drinking problem and lied to me numerous times when I confronted him about it. He finally did confess and got help so I forgave him for the lies becuase I know it's a disease.

In August I discovered he hid a camera in our bedroom and was filming us being intimate. Thankfully I found it just a few minutes into it and turned it off. He tried to deny that he was taping us! Hello!!! The red flashing light gave it away. I have never felt so violated and disgusted in my entire life. Who does that? This is totally uncharacteristic of the man I married. I don't know what happened to him. He used to be the most polite, friendly, moral person I knew and he has turned into some sort of weirdo in a very dark place.

OH, Saturday, he confessed that when we were out of town at his uncle's funeral in early September he took my phone and read some text messages I'd sent to my family. The messages read something like, "Please come get me. I'm miserable" and "I've never seen a family waste more time in my life." We were at a funeral in the middle of nowhere and I just wanted to go home. His family did waste a lot of time but he's right, it wasn't about me and I get that now. I was just venting to my parents via text and never wanted him to see it. I never said anything to him. Aren't I entitled to my private thoughts? Do I have to be happy about being in the middle of nowhere for three days? Was I wrong for saying those things? Yes. Was he wrong for violating my privacy and reading my private messages? He hasn't apologized for it either.

His dad passed away two years ago and was very sick and dying for about two years prior to that. I know that was very hard on him. His uncle just passed away two weeks before the 2 year annviversary of his dad's death so I know he's been struggling with that. His mom was being sued because some lady his dad used to work for thought he was hiding money so when he died she sued his mom. His mom lives in a small, old house and barely makes enough money to pay all her bills. His parents are very poor and she is not hiding anything. She is the most moral person in the world! That lawsuit has been going on for 2 years and they finally settled (she didn't have to pay anything because she was innocent) on Halloween of this year. I thought he'd be relieved but he's still acting weird.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. My hubby goes to see his mom all the time because she is a widow. I really respect that but at the same time it's hard to live life feeling like you always have to make sure his mom is OK and not alone. It's tough.

I'm sorry to type so much. It was just going to be a brief summary. I guess I just need to get it out. I left our house on Saturday when he told me he read my text messages. I feel like he's violated my privacy and treated me like crap for too long and I couldn't take it anymore. I'm staying at my parent's house 15 minutes away. It's killing me though. Even after being treated like crap for all this time I still love him with all my heart and long for things to be better. I miss the old "him". What is wrong with me? I can't let go. I just cannot let go.

I somewhat suspect he is cheating although he has denied it, like he'd admit to it. He is up late at night on the computer when I'm in bed, he works 45 min. north of our house and I work 35 min. south so he could do anything all day with anyone, he takes martial arts classes M,W,Th in the city where he works and doesn't get home until 9 pm or 9:30 so he could be with someone then too, when it was warmer out he went for three motorcycle rides on Sundays for 3+ hours. He fits the signs - he is cold, he doesn't want sex, he won't do anything with me or make future plans, etc. I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm just going crazy. I have too much time to think and I feel so low. I have two wonderful cats at home that I miss already after staying at my parents for two days. I don't know what to do. I'm going to call the counselor back and beg for an appointment sooner than later. I just need strength. I don't want to leave him because I love him but I feel like I should leave him because he is doing such horrid things to me and he thinks he's done nothing wrong and won't work on himself or even apologize to me. It's crap.

This is made worse by the fact I'm going to be 36 in January, I want kids but don't have them, and now I have to start over and I'm getting too old to have children. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like I can't go on. Please help me.