Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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New...Marriage of 31 years over...

Ltb3105
Ltb3105
Hi all, married over 30 years, two grown adult sons who live on their own and one with special needs. My marriage has been going downhill for years, even before the birth of my third son with Down Syndrome. In fact, I was going to leave before I found out I was expecting him. We stayed together because of convenience and because neither of us could deal with a special child by ourselves. He's 21 now, and recently, my husband has received the news that his job (also over 30 yrs.) will be laying off all the tv salespersons as the co. will no longer produce TVs in the US. Ever since this news one month ago, my husband has been very verbally abusive, argues at( the drop of a hat, complains about things in the house that aren't done and never compliments me for things that do get done.

He is wanting to move back to PA (we live in the Dallas area) if the layoff next March is imminent which I think it's a pretty sure thing. My problem is I cannot leave the state as my son gets Medicaid assistance which is not available in every state and also I have already found out that the waiting lists are years long. Plus, we lived in PA before and I am NOT going back to the cold weather again.

Ever since this all happened about the job I have been a nervous wreck physically and emotionally (I do see a psych for that) but now I am seeing my regular doctor tomorrow as I have constant stomach upsets, nausea, constant diarrhea and feel as though I'm walking on pins and needs around my husband.

Please do not suggest counseling as we have done that and it's not working because we basically cannot stand to be in the same room together. I might add I am in the house most of the time while he meets his cohorts at a local bar every night yet yells at me if I have an occasional glass of wine.

I don't know what to expect from this group except that I wanted to write down my feelings. Thank you for reading.

Laura
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Sounds like the marriage is pretty much done. Mine ended after 24 years and we had a great 20 or so years the last few were terrible. Financial reasons and economy just put too much stress on a stressful situation. Divorce sucks but sometimes necessary I guess. If u cannot be in the same room with him it sounds pretty dire. Good luck
Ltb3105
Ltb3105
That's what I'm kinda thinking as well. When I hear him pull up in the driveway, I cringe. He works from the home the last 20 yrs. or so and this worsened our relationship as he was able to critique me for everything and I always felt as though I had to be doing something around the house when he was around. He is a control freak and acts more like my Dad than my husband, as he doesn't like me to have fun or have a drink in front of him. When we go to social affairs he will try to stop me from having too good of a time. Yeah, it's done.
Sarasalt
Sarasalt
Your child is first priority, always. If your son needs care that your current state is adequately providing, that sounds like a pretty rock-solid reason to stay.

And you deserve a good, happy life, too. It sounds like this marriage is in the way of that, and if you guys have already tried counseling and still can't be near each other, it seems like it would be best for both of you to let go. Who knows what the future will hold - maybe you two will feel differently down the road, but you shouldn't be legally tied to someone who makes you so miserable.
tcl18
tcl18
I feel for you. My son has high functioning autism and its been a challenge. Sounds like he is adding to and making your stress worse while not being supportive in the least. Granted losing a job after 30 years is pretty stressfull too, but now is the time to turn into a relationship for support, not verbally beat up the person who has stood by you for years. Its a pretty clear sign that your done if you cringe at the thought of him coming home. I use to love it when my ex would go away for work and was always so pleased when he would call to say he'd be a few more days. Life with easier and less stressful when he was gone - sad to say.
Ltb3105
Ltb3105
Thank you for your replies, all, please keep my in your prayers tomorrow during my dr, appt. I will update when I come home.
milliejay
milliejay
So sorry, but yes, sounds like your marriage has been done - life is too short to be miserable. I would let him move to wherever he wants and stay in TX. You sound like you been living and oppressed life for a long time. Hope you find peace soon.
neverceases
neverceases
I was married for 27 years before we divorced. My ex cheated on me, which is ultimately why we split, but he was pretty controlling and I always felt like I was on eggshells around him.

It took a while for me to see it but I am much better off without him. It sounds like it will be the same for you. It's hard after you've been together for a while but you'll make it through.

Sending support
http://lemaym1.wordpress.com/
deleted_user
deleted_user
Do you think the marriage is over? Many times we see something in a person from the beginning and we choose to ignore the behavior. Was he always controlling and aggressive or is this new found behavior? It sounds to me like he is angry about something. Him wanting to move to PA could be him trying to solve the problem with a quick fix. Counseling may have not worked because he needs anger management. Someone that is that quick tempered and doesn't want to see you happy is someone who is drowning in their own misery. Was their a major life change outside of him loosing his job? And a lot of times when men are use to being a provider and no longer can provide, that is like chopping the hands off of a painter. His ego is destroyed right now. But as is wife he has to communicate that to you and tell you he is hurt. Last question, is he from another country? Only reason I ask is because I have had my share of foreigners and this sounds very familiar... Sending prays up for your family!
Ltb3105
Ltb3105
to the last poster: nope, we both met at the same job in PA....at the time he was the exact opposite of me.........I was the one who got upset and he would be my calming factor. I would say it all started to change after we had our special needs son 21 years ago. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW he loves him and he does a lot with him BUT I am the main caregiver 75% of the time when he's traveling, working, etc. He once told me he didn't like me to drink because I had to be responsible for my son...huh? He is very controlling when he's home, but when he's on a business trip, he doesn't even call to check in on us so obviously it's a control thing....if he was worried that I was drinking, wouldn't he be calling to see how things were at home?

Okay all, gotta get ready for my dr. appt.
Ltb3105
Ltb3105
further fuel to the fire...........appt. was 11:30...........met a friend for lunch, then dropped off a script for my nervous stomach and got some groceries. got home at 3:30...asshole never even called or texted to see how the appt. went!