A little backstory. I was my boyfriends daughters teacher 5 years ago. He was separated from his wife and would always try talking to me when he dropped his daughter off. (I was 22 he was 37) for months I blew him off. I never wanted to be involved with a married man nor a man with children. Eventually I fell for him. We started a crazy ride together and have been together ever since. He loved me. I knew it, and I loved him too. He was my first love. Fast foward 4 years later and I over hear him on the phone with another woman. I was shocked. He would always go away on long work trips (he's a federal cop) and I never doubted him nor thought he was capable of cheating on me. When I over heard this conversation I was broken. He came over that day and convinced me it was just a friend and that he would vent to her about our problems. He even cried. During that time my dad was very sick in a hospis. He never came to see my dad not once. I felt completely alone and unsupported. Because of the situation with my dad I was vulnerable and forgave him. A week later my dad passed away and the following day my sister got married. I took him to the wedding and paid for the hotel and everything. Even bought him his outfit for the wedding. Seeing him with my family made me SO incredibly happy I didn't want to imagine my life without him nor did I want to believe he was truly capable of hurting me. With the passing of my dad I couldn't imagine loosing him too. We moved on even though we had some bumps on the road. We fought often because after 4 and a half years he never respected me or gave me my place as a woman in front of his family , ex, kids nobody. I felt like a mistress even after 4 years: i had let him into my world but he didn't let me into his even after all that time. My family became close to him and we spent holidays together and that made me happy. But the problems were still there. I was always bitching at him because he never spent more than one day a week with me nor did he ever give me the love I wanted . After everything I had done for him he always took me for granted. Every time we went out to eat or something , I paid. I saw him spending less and less time on me and giving me more and more excuses about working late and not having money blah blah blah. I kept seeing little signs but didn't want to believe it. Fast forward two weeks ago I planned a little birthday trip to Busch gardens( about 5 hours from Miami where I live) I thought it would be good for us to get away and maybe rekindle the romance. It was perfect. We made love in the car, shower, you get the point. We got drunk and rode roller coasters and went to a concert and had the time of our lives together. It was the perfect weekend. I didn't care that I was the one who paid for the tickets to the park or hotel or gas. was just happy to be with him. He paid for the food and on our way almost home he told me he was broke and asked me to buy him cigarettes. I did. Three days later I get a phone call from a friend who found him at a bar ( when he claimed he couldn't hang out because he was working) buying some girl shots with his hands all over her. He was so broke yet was buying another girl shots ?!My friend approached him and he threatened her not to tell me. She told me anyways. His first reaction when I confronted him was " well I've been wanting to leav you for a while now and u kept wanting to work it out" I was broken. I went crazy on him. And I mean crazy. Called him every name in the book, insulted him and his family and even went as far as slapping him. It's been about a week now and we are broken up. The anxiety I get especially in the mornings is so bad I would rather die than feel it for one more second. I ended up driving myself to the hospital and getting a light prescription of Xanax prescribed to me. It's been helping me out but I still have my out bursts and call him and go crazy and then feel terrible. I don't understand I am 15 years younger than him, I am not an ugly girl, I gave him all of me, respected him, his children, supported him in every way I could. I know I'm not perfect but after he chased me and I fell for him, now he does this shit almost 5 years later. I treated him like a KING. My heart is shattered. I never cheated on him. Not once. Maybe it was my fault for being too devoted and giving him too much and making him the center of my universe. I was always there when he needed him. Always pleased him sexually, always looked good , always loved him. The truth is I have been bitter about him not being there all those months my dad was dying. I was bitter that he has not showed me he loved me in years. He loved calling me names and disrespecting me and shifting the blame on me. Now he says we can maintain contact even though we are broken up and he is the one calling the shots even though he is the one who cheated and lied ! I have lost all respect for myself and dignity. I leave him alone for a few days and then get a random outburst and tell him off again. I don't know how to move on. To make things worse I work 30 seconds from his house. I don't know how to just let go and move on. Any advice would help.