Sorry things didn't work out and you find yourself having to go this path.

I am not really shocked that he reacted the way he did with some of the stories I have heard. Not to mention, when I just found out she was talking to another guy, she reacted and up and left the very next day rather then staying and facing what she had done. Cowards way out I say.

I guess my best advice is to just take things day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. You will see that this is/was a blessing for you and the children to be able to free yourself from someone who is so selfish in his actions.

Best wishes as you go through this.

Morgan - welcome to the roller-coaster. I agree with ChiTown. I know this is very hard for you, especially with three young children (my son was an adult when I separated from his dad). Keep journaling, venting here and looking for help. It is here for you.

Warmest hugs,

Lynne

There are so many people with great advice here...You have already been on the rollercoaster a long time it sounds...now just a new phase for you. I would suggest just remember to take care of yourself...the basics like, eating, sleeping, venting...continue counselling for yourself (your children if suitable) and hang in there...good for you for having the strength to first forgive and try to make it work...And even better for you to have found the strength to know when you truly deserve better...You will get through this. Best wishes to you!

I'm sorry you have to be here with us. I did a few things that helped me. I saw a therapist who also happened to be a mediator. She told me what I can expect financially. That was a huge benefit. You need to know what is fair in your state. You might be able to avoid a lengthy legal battle. My stbx refused all the fair offers and 18 months later and so much money in legal bills, I'll end up with close to what she said.

I went to divorce care. Google it and put in your zip code. You will find one near you. They also have one for children. My children are older but many people here have said their children really liked it.

I needed anti-depressants for about 6 months. They helped me so much.

Good luck to you.

Welcome to BU/D of DS! I'm so sorry divorce is bringing you here. You'll find lots of support and advice here.

Everyone is giving you great advice--I would echo what sld1 said--get a good counselor, get some anti-depressants if you think you may need them, and defintely lawyer up.

Don't think for one minute he will be nice; in the cheater's warped mind, he is blaming his affair and the marriage ending on you. He will need to "punish" you and he'll do this by withholding things: property, money, attention, etc. That's why it is essential to get an attorney and get temporary orders established.

Many hugs to you. This is a long journey but we will walk all the way with you.

Welcome to Break Up and Divorce community Morgan. I'm sorry for your pain. We know that drill all too well and it is so sad to see someone going through this hurt. Here are the links that a fellow DS member, PGamble, put together. We all care. It's time roll up your sleeves and start taking those necessary steps. Do your part and we will walk beside you and you should seek counseling in additon to your daily strength. Godspeed.



http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/2816539-manual

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup...

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup...

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup...

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup...

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup...

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup...

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup...

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup...

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup... "



http://dailystrength.org/help/crisis-resources

Sorry for what you are going through. There is a lot of great advice on this site. What's helped me the most is getting closer to friends and family and reconnecting with old friends. I found out about the affair in Dec. we separated a few weeks later (he wasn't willing to change his behavior) and we got divorced in March (no kids and uncontested, so it was over fast).
I just want to say that things are much better for me. It's still hard, but now I'm really enjoying my life. Finding out about the affair and dealing with all that was much harder for me than the divorce being finalized.
You will make it through, and you might even feel relieved eventually. This is a good time to focus on yourself and your children.

Wow - I am really touched by all your replies.

THANK YOU. It helps SO MUCH to hear from people who have walked down this road and are ok, better than ok, actually happy. That seems far away for me right now so it's nice to have a happy vision to look towards.

I read every post in the "manual" - thanks so much for posting that! SO MUCH good advice - there are at least ten things on the list I need to do right away, today.

Thanks to all of you for being so welcoming. I woke up this morning, looked over to realize he is really gone. Felt sad that he was gone and also felt MAD that he keeps cheating on me and trating me like dirt.

Why should I be sad that he is gone> He was awful to me!
I think I am sad for the death of the dream - not the actual loss of him - because he had obviously become someone who is not good or healthy for me.

Hugs,

Morgan

Welcome to DS... sorry you are hurting but so glad you found us. Here's the best advice I can offer....

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

Everyone will react differently to divorce. There are common stages you will go through. Stages much like those we experience at the death of a loved one. Knowing what to expect will help you find your way through the stages but nothing takes the negative feelings away.

Just like with grief of any kind it is common to move back and forth between the stages. You may find some of the stages easier to navigate than others. The thing to remember is that you eventually make your way through to healing and hope.

Emotional Stages of Divorce:

Denial:

You find it hard to believe this is happening to you. You refuse to accept that the relationship is over and struggle with trying to find solutions to the marital problems. You will spend time believing that if you do or say the right thing your spouse will come home. You hate feeling out of control of the destiny of your marriage. You will be convinced that divorce is not the solution to the marital problems.

Shock:

You will feel panic, rage, and numbness or like you are going crazy. You will swing between despair that your marriage is over and hope that it will be restored. It will seem impossible to cope with these feelings

You will experience some common fears when thinking about your future alone. You will wonder how you are going to survive. Will you ever find love again, will the pain ever end or will you feel this way the rest of your life are all feelings you will experience during this stage.

Rollercoaster:

You cant seem to settle your feelings and thoughts. You swing from being hopeful to feeling utter despair. During this stage, you will try to intellectualize what has happened. If you can only understand what is going on then the pain will go away and all will make sense again.

You will tell yourself stories to try to make sense of it and your imagination will run wild. You will wonder if there was more you could have done, or if there is anything wrong with you. Maybe your spouse never even loved you. You will wonder if your entire marriage was a lie.

There is a lot of mental re-hashing during this period. You will fill as if you cant control your thinking and find yourself obsessed with the failure of your marriage. Depression is a danger at this stage and you may cry at the drop of a hat.

Bargaining:

You are still holding onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. There is a willingness to change anything about yourself or doing anything and that if you could just get it right, your spouse would return. The important thing to learn during this stage is that you cant control the thoughts, desires or actions of another human being.

Letting Go:

During this stage you will finally realize that the marriage is over, that there is nothing you can do or say to change that. You will become more willing to forgive the faults of your ex spouse and take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the marriage. You will begin to feel a sense of liberation and some hope for the future.

Acceptance

The obsessive thoughts have stopped, the need to heal your marriage is behind you and you begin to feel as if you can and will have a fulfilling life. Suddenly you are looking ahead and not behind you, you are making plans and following through with them.

You will open up to the idea of finding new interests. This is a period of growth where you will discover that you have strengths and talents and are able to go forward in spite of the fear you feel. Your pain gives way to hope and you discover that there is life after divorce and the future is made brighter due to the pain you have suffered.

Welcome to the Divorce site. It is a hard thing to face the reality that we were married to someone other than we thought. Time will help in all of this. I am sorry for you and your children, but you will get through this. Big hugs to you.

Hugs, my fellow Texan. I am so sorry you are going thorugh this. The divorce rollercoaster is very hard, but you have come to the right place.
Best wishes on your journey...

I have been on the roller-coaster ride myself; my ex had an affair......

I have had therapy; and divorce support group meetings to help me through this process. And by posting here; it helped alot!

As with children; there is a divorce care, and some support groups out there; even for little kids. I can remember my parents divorcing and and church we had support groups....it was called Rainbows; but as a kid what I remembered was there were other kids going through the same things. And to this day I still have connections and friendships from that group.

Get as much support as you can. Surround yourself with help, and compassion during this time.

I am sorry to hear about what is happening.......please take good care of you and your kids........

A couple of you have mentioned "divorce care" - can somebody tell me more about what that is?

And thank you again for posting. Every single reply makes me feel less alone and also like if others have made it thru, then I can too

Is a "faith" base support program usually held at churches..... the same group meets weekly, watch a video, then talk (and pray)...

Here's the website: http://www.divorcecare.org/