I am sorry to hear what you are going through....some of your story relates to me and my situation so I thought I might ask a couple of things for information's sake.

My wife and I had the intimacy problems as well....most of it due to me. I did not want to face physical / hormone issues I was having. I didn't know exactly what I had at the time, but it coincided with my mid life stage. I was afraid of dying and going to the doctor to find out what was wrong scared the hell out of me.

I neglected and rejected my wife's affections because I didn't think with my problems that I was good enough for her. I thought if I ignored the problems, they would go away.

Is it possible that your husband has physical issues (other than the drinking and smoking) that could be holding him back? Men are very proud (and foolish) creatures many times and are afraid to confront or share things with their spouses.

My wife told me years ago that if we couldn't be intimate again for whatever reason, she would love me just the same....but then everyone has 'needs' and I did not do a good job at fulfilling them.

Welcome. Sorry that you are experiencing marital problems, but glad that you returned to Daily Strength where you will get advice and yours if you decide to take it.

First of all put a value on yourself. I do not know the type of relationship you have with your parents, but If I were in their shoes, business or not I would prefer to have my daughter escape an unhealthy relationship.

Hi Shan: It is difficult to have much of a life with an alcoholic and for some people it is a deal breaker. When you're talking to him you're pretty much talking to the liquor and not the person and the addiction to it makes them lie.

Also, if he drinks and then drives, he's putting himself, you, your business and your parent's investment in real jeopardy if he causes an accident and kills and maims people with the trucks. And trucks can do a lot of damage. Truthfully, you don't know what he does out on the road. But you'll lose so much if he drinks and has an accident with a truck and it may potentially cancel out or lessen any insurance you have--check it out in your business policies.

With the situation as it is, why would you feel bad because he wants kids? Seriously, would you believe that kids would improve the situation between you two and that it would be a good home to bring kids into? Kids aren't born with jobs to bring people together. An alcoholic Dad who has no connection with his wife and is rarely home isn't the stuff for good dad material until he gets sober and stays sober.

Also, you can't worry about him not having medical right now because it doesn't seem like you two really have a marriage--you haven't had sex since before you were married 3 years ago, he's an alcoholic, he chain smokes and verbally abuses you when drunk. You know it isn't right because you've come here on the Breakups & Divorce Board.

Also, do you do the trucking business books to see if he is actually accomplishing all the runs and business of the trucking business or is he falling down on that or is business slacking off (which may be a sign that he is falling down on the job due to drinking).

I would check the books to see exactly how the business is doing over the past years, then sit down with your parents and tell them EVERYTHING including you not having sex in 3 years and no kisses. Since they invested huge amounts in the trucking business, I believe they have the right to know he is an alcoholic, not home often and hasn't been intimate or kissed you and he is abusive with you when drunk.

You parents I believe have the right to know everything and how you feel. It may be that they want to put a lien on his trucks and business for the money they invested so he can't just up and sell them.

After the talk with your parents, and without any love life and without the marriage consummated, I personally would find a good divorce attorney and discover whether you just go through a special annulment with a claim to the business or exactly what has to be done. Have an attorney do it so it is done properly.

I'm sorry you went through this. I would rather be alone and eventually happy than be in a marriage without love and affection.

Thank you guys,
RickOS, I don't know if he has physical issues. At first he said he did (which is very possible because of his age, smoking habits, and he's diabetic). But I've found evidence that he has tried to masturbate and porn sites etc. He also had some cancer (benign) on his penis which was removed and he hasn't been to the Dr. since to make sure it's all okay. It looks okay, but I'm not a Dr. I would love him no matter what, but because of the other issues, everything combined is making me fall out of love.
Carm416...you are very right. I haven't talked with my Dad at all, but my Mom has seen me in tears and she has never liked my husband from the start so she wants me to do what I need too. If I have to leave him, she says I will have both of their support.
AsTimeGoesBy....I have had talks with my Mom, I don't know how honest I can be with them about the no sex part. We aren't a close family talking about that stuff. I know kids wouldn't change anything and I know I shouldn't worry the way I do about him not having medical etc. Truthfully I know nothing about the business. My dad does all the bookkeeping and I know my husband is doing the work. My dad dispatches for him and the other 2 employees. In terms of insurance I don't know what the business has, my husband and I don't even have life insurance. He has had two DUI's. Never lost his license, but one of them was in his work truck. My dad wasn't happy, but he lived with an alcoholic dad and brother so he is somewhat sympathetic. I want kids more than anything, and I'm worried it's getting to late because I just turned 33. I don't want to bring kids into this unhealthy relationship though, I know that. I want to be happy, just scared of never finding anyone again. Though I've never felt true love with my husband so I don't know why I want to stay with that either.

I am really sorry for what you are going through.
I would never have kids in the loveless marriage you are in. What a horrible thing to teach kids to expect in a marriage. They need to be taught that marriage can mean fun and love. Hopefully you can find someone who will love you, that you could have children with.
I wish you the very best and much happiness. You deserve so much more than he is willing to give you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

Here's the thing about kids, from my perspective:

They do not make or fix marriages
They require a lot of attention...and I think, sometimes, people forget that once the baby showers, etc are over...um, the kid is still there haha
They cost money. A lot of it.
If your marriage isn't airtight, rock solid...kids will NOT create holes but (at least in my case) shine the light on holes that are easier to ignore when you don't have little ones to look after.

Kids are also

pretty effing amazing, cool as hell, and bring a light and perspective to the little corner of the world you occupy that makes it feel like a piece of you was missing, but you didn't know it, until you had them.

Kids are not for the faint of heart, that's for sure. I can have an awesome day at work and my son comes home with a tally for talking too much or something. Or he's blindsiding me with "Will you die one day, Mom?" questions at bed time. Your heart swells, shudders, swells, breaks, and swells some more on a continual loop.

I feel for any woman who wants children and does not have them. I worry, though, about your H and the irresponsibilty he brings. If you are angry/lonely/resentful now, you will be ten times more when you're not only left home alone, but left alone to raise the child you BOTH created.

I wouldn't give back my marriage BECAUSE I got my son from it, but I remember never feeling lonelier than I did, being a single mom, WHILE married. It's a sucky, hard place to be.

Sorry to hear of this very challenging predicament. It does not seem like a good idea to bring children into the current state of your marriage.

The posters here have offered great advise.

The one thing that wasn't elaborated on was......

Penile cancer is pretty rare. Are you sure it wasn't something else?

there are 365 days a year and you see him approx. 30 of those days? That doesn't quite seem like a relationship let alone a marriage.

There appears to be a lot of intangibles tied to this relationship and none that are going to bring you any kind of happiness you seem to look for. So I don't know whats worse, staying in a marriage that, well, isn't healthy or even there, or walking away and living for yourself and creating your own happiness instead of hoping someone else will provide it.

I think I would take the later.

Welcome to the group

No it was penile cancer, there was just a benign growth on part of his penis that got removed. That's what he tells me anyway, I know he had the surgery, so I don't he's lying to me. He's been "open" about why we don't have sex. I got genital warts from a previous partner and though it was cleared up before I slept with my husband, he got them and they are still there and not going away. He doesn't want to pass them back to me, but what does it matter, I have the virus anyways....just a lot of excuses.
He won't be driving trucks forever either....maybe another 3-4 years then he will be working from home dispatching etc for his drivers. But do I want to wait that long? We've since had a good talk and he says he didn't know I wasn't "In Love" with him anymore, and I said how could he not know as I've totally distanced myself from him. He wants to change, he doesn't want to lose me. I believe in second chances, but I just don't know if he will change.

Then do marriage counseling to see where you're at. You both have some issues that you seem to not really be able to discuss openly with each other. A therapist can help with that. You list a lot of reasons for wanting to stay with him, but not of it relates to your feelings. You say you don't love him. I agree with Trying - I was never more lonely than while married to my STBX with 2 kids. I felt like a single parent. It's hard because there's supposed to be someone else there to share the burden, but they're not really there. And it's a horrible example to set for your kids. How they're raised is how they become and what they expect out of their own relationships. Do the work on yourself now to get to a better place so that you will be a great mom for any kids you do have. And remember that age doesn't determine how great a mother you can be. While you may not eventually be able to have biological children, that doesn't mean you can't be a mom to some fortunate foster or adopted child at some point in the future. You deserve to be happy. Do what it takes to get there.