Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Well, it's been a number of years since I've been on and prob 6 or 7 years since I have joined this site and I never thought I would be on again. I have been dating someone since my divorce for a number of years...two years ago we broke up briefly (now mind you he is still technically married and legally separated for 8 years), then we came back to each other and everything was good until a few weeks ago. His stbx wants to sell their house, which needs extensive work and yardwork, and move south. Well he's been going up there to help her for the last few weekends and he has changed dramatically...distant, cold, snappy at me, won't look at me or touch me unless I make the move to say the least, all since they started "talking" and reminiscing about the kids (they have none together and had them by different people but raised them together). He lives with me and his job is here and I truly believe he doesn't want to be here no matter what he says to me. Actions speak volumes. You don't go telling someone you love them one min, then change your tune the next. I've been through this before with him the last time, when they started talking. I've been through this with my exH when he was cheating on me. Inside I know what I need to do, but it's difficult when you are in the thick of it. I hate to assume something and assume something is going on but it's obvious he's conflicted in some way. I just need to take the confict away and be the bad guy, it seems. I have tried to talk to him and he won't open up and says "some things are better left unsaid" after spitting out something that I couldn't even respond to or know how to answer. It's clear he doesn't want to hurt me and I see it in his face. Does he love me? Yes, I do believe that and I keep saying I don't know what to do. What I think I mean to say is I don't know how to handle it or approach it or what to do bc in the end there is going to be two people, plus my children that are extremely hurt.
What do you know about his STBX and their relationship when they were together? Was he a codependent and she a narcissist or manipulator? Maybe you can help him 'see' this by asking some probing questions (in a neutral, non-threatening way).
I have a close friend who divorced her husband a couple of years ago and they remained friends (she visits her former dogs regularly to take them for walks). Recently she decided that she's ready to start dating and it seems that now he's putting on the charm and trying to suck her in again (I think he believed she was still partly 'his' until now). His personality is a lot like my STBX so I know he's a bit of a narcissist and covert aggressive manipulator.
She and I have been discussing this and intuitively she knows what's happening but the codependent trappings make it hard to resist the narcissist/manipulator.
First I want to say that he needs to limit his time with his Ex! I mean if he needs to get things done there at the house then you should accompany him and put the demand that he allows it. You have that right if he truly loves you and wants to work this out and stay together. If he says NO then you tell him you cant do this anymore and you need to live your life without him.
One thing I learned a long time ago is that you can try your best to help others, but if they refuse your help then they have to walk their own path alone and deal with their choices and the re-procusions of that choice.
You are a huge caring heart and one day you will find another one to love and cherish you the way you love and cherish others. First you need to learn to only give that heart to the ones that deserve it.
I am so sorry you had to come back , but I am really happy to see you ( I missed You)
and always here to help.
Why do you give so much to this man ? What do you really owe him ?
I am not trying to upset you my friend and you know you mean the world to me, but this is your life we are talking about here and damit you deserve to be HAPPY and guilting yourself into submision is not going to make you anything but more miserable.
Break ups and Divorce sucks bad , but in all honesty they are usually for the better. We learn from them and grow into better people and they give us the oportunity to find a much better relationship and happyness!
I wish i had all the magic answers to cure heartbreak and all the emotions that come with it. ALl I can do is try to help and give you or anyone support through the tuff times.
You have to know your own worth: he is acting like he thinks the grass may be greener, let him find out once and for all. You can still love him from a GREAT distance...Your kids too.