Hi..  I feel that if I don't write my feelings out, as opposed to what I have always done in the past, which was to replace them with either drugs/alcohol, and/or another relationship, I will explode. I have never had a time that I can recall in my entire life that I was alone. I was always "with" either alcohol and certain drugs, both prescription and non, as well as a woman. I have been in countless situations with a lot of women and on top of that, I have been legally married 6 times. I count my last relationship as a mariage as well, because despite not having a piece of paper binding us, 7 and a half years ago, we committed to each other, and jumped the broom in front of 140 of our closest friends and family. With this woman, I have finally found the true meaning of earthly love, and it isn't what I thought it was. Our relationship began to flounder after the first year, and she began having periodiotic bouts of anger and rage. She had to be hospitalized at one point 4 years ago for 7 days, and shortly after that, she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. While she continues to get better, 7 and a half months ago, I asked her to leave. It was beginnign to get pretty bad, and she had voiced that she had several girlfriends with whom she could stay with for a while, so I asked her to leave. The last time we seperated, I left. This time I had no place to go, she did, so I asked her to leave.

While we continued to be in our relationship together, her visits became erratic, and her moods up and down. We both knew that if we were to stay together, it would not end well, as there has been physical violence in the past, and a lot of broken glass and walls. I suffer from PTSD from my childhood (which ironically mirrors my adult life to a certain extent), and have had some very difficult times trying to deal with her rage issues. I am in therapy with someone now, and am sober and clean except for marijuana, which is legal for me, and does help me at times.

Today, I met with her and her therapist, and as my wife sat next to me sobbing, her therapist translated her feelings to me, as they had met together alone for 15 minutes before I was called in (I have been seeing her with her therapist every other week for several months). I was told that my wife seeks a "clean break". I knew this was coming, yet it paralyzed me. It left my ears ringing and my heart racing. She want's no contact with me for 30 days, and several other things, which I honestly thought were very harsh and unfair.... As well as needed. By both of us, if we are to heal. 

Okay, so I know this... I agree with her. She loves me, and I love her. We both know this is true. But, we cannot be together. I am a solo musician, a singer/songwriter, and I play a lot of my original tunes at my gigs. I have written over 25 songs for this woman in the last 7 years. She is my Muse I kid you not. Friday and Saturday I have gigs. I have to look at all these people and sing songs. This is my job, and I get paid for it. No, I don't have to sing the songs that I've written for her... But more than half of my cover songs, were added to my set lists with her in mind, and man.... I know I am feling sorry for myself. I am in love, and my heart feels, I dunno... This is the very first time I have been through this sort of break up without running to booze, or worse. This is all too real. It really hurts.

Part of me is comforted by the fact that I can replace her with another woman... But I can't. I just can't do it again. I am so afraid of being hurt again, I can't compare it to anything else. Fear. Fear of being alone. Fear that she might come knocking on the door, or call... Fear that she won't come knocking on my door or call. I am not going to go back and spellcheck this or read it. I know I am rambling. I am trying my best at this point to NOT reach out to her. I simply cannot do that. Not this time. I keep telling myself I will get better, I will heal, and that I need to be with ME! Just like she needs to be with her. But I know Friday night, some woman in the place I'm playing at will smile, and I will be tempted to sit and talk with someone during a break... But I can't do that. I don't even know if I CAN sing. I am afraid I will cry. 

Thank you for letting me vent here. I know I'm rambling. If I have written too much, or overstepped any boundaries on this forum, I apologize.