Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello everyone,
I am 40yo and have been married to my 41yo husband for 13yrs. However, we dated for many years prior to this. We have an 11yo daughter. My husband grew up in an abusive environment. His mother is an alcoholic and his father also had substance abuse issues. When he is angry, he is verbally abusive. After our daughter was born, he stopped being the center of my world and in his words, "felt neglected" which drove him to drink and come and go as he pleased. We separated in 2010, but only for a few months. Later that year, he lost his brother to suicide and that sent him right back over the ends and he began drinking and going out on the weekends. I ended up finding attention elsewhere and he found out about it. He 'forgave me' and we tried to make it work. We went to therapy and things were not easy. I lost 37lbs in a matter of months and have basically become a recluse. I don't have any real friends that I talk to or hang out with. My world is my daughter, my husband, and my work. He constantly finds things wrong with me and blames me for everything. If he feels any defiance whatsoever, it instantly triggers him. Now I am seeing the same behavior with our daughter. The latest incident was on Friday when we were out to dinner. I look up from my plate and see him shooting daggers in my direction. Instantly, my anxiety kicks in. I know that look and he must think I'm staring at someone. Sure enough, when we get home, he goes on about how disappointed he is and that I can't keep my "dick in my pants" and was staring at one of the waiters constantly. I swear I was doing no such thing and was completely oblivious to anything going on outside of our table. He begins to verbally assault me and bring up my past (he does this constantly). He uses such derogatory language and I feel like I'm almost numb to it now. I no longer cry or show him that it hurts me. On Saturday, he proceeded to come and go as he pleased while I stayed home and cleaned and did laundry. He came in about 10pm-ish. He also told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me (he says this quite often), but he appears to be serious this time and said he consulting with an attorney. I don't know what he is expecting of me. I didn't want this to happen, but I am tired of constantly being reminded of and punished for my past. Lord knows I don't do that to him. If I bring it up it's to bring him back down to reality that he is not beyond mistakes. Yesterday he went clearly off of the deep end mentally. He was truly having some sort of a mental breakdown and later told me he had a moment of clarity and now realizes that he is suffering from PTSD from MY past mistakes and how horribly I have treated him. He has suffered some traumas both in childhood and adulthood and I don't doubt that he has PTSD. I have seen it in action, but the way he was last night was downright scary. I had never seen him so unstable. So what should I do? My daughter knows something is going on and does not want us to split up. Please help! I have no one to talk to. ;(
As for the cheating, I know it's horrible and it's one of the lowest points of my life. :( It went on for 2 months and I regret it so much. I also feel like it has just given him more fuel and power against me.
sad
because you have a child together
her long term health and stability comes before each of yours
do you have any stable family members that could take her in for a period of time
while you figure life out, with or with out your husband
Does you husband wish to go to counseling for his PTSD? Especially since he admits to having it (whether he really believes it or is just using it as a weapon against you is debatable). He may learn the true cause for his issues, if he's willing to get better. That family background I'm sure is his root issue. If he flat out refuses counseling, or if he agrees but doesn't follow through, then I'd file for divorce myself. People who refuse to see the reality of their actions on others are generally impossible to have healthy relationships with. They're immobile, they can't/won't change, and you're just plain stuck in a cycle of bad.
Won't be long now, he'll be beating you and raping the daughter. Won't that be jolly.
Get out while you can. At least if he's leaving, you have a better chance of getting some assets.
PS as to your daughter not wanting you to split up? Sometimes mummies do what their daughters don't want because mummy knows best. Your daughter can still see daddy. Your daughter will have a better relationship with both of you if this horror marriage is ended. It's already dead. It's like a zombie movie.
Your husband is maybe a year off beating the shit out of you every friday night. He's already half way through rationalising it. Just put that in the picture.
I mean... come on. This is what's going on. You need the brutal truth because you're all tied up in it, but you really do need to take the opportunity to get out while it's what he wants. Because if he decides he DOESN'T want to lose you, you are seriously fucked.
You don't have any love in your house and there is absolutely no reason to stay. Let's hope like hell he's found another woman. That's about the best available idea to hope for.