Have you sat down and talked to your husband about your feelings, or have you been harboring them and letting him think everything's A-OK until you blindside him with this news? While there was problems in my 24 year marriage my wife blindsided me with the news she had been thinking about leaving for several years, found her exit man before pulling the trigger. I wouldn't count on your husband being your team mate or friend if you decide to go this route, and are you sure your kids will live with you in your rental, because my daughter (18 now, 17 at time of split) chose to live with me in the only house she's known...it's a huge step so I would really make sure your cognizant of the repurcussions. Our son no longer talks to his mother and neither of our kids have any respect for her. I certainly am not her team mate, friend or otherwise. Her decision ripped our families apart and I have nothing to do with her side anymore..after 24 years. So I would just advise caution and be aware of the consequences.

Thank you for your response. I had a surgery back in August, I told him after I recuperated, that I would be looking for a rental. I don't think he took me serious. He doesn't believe that we have issues. But, his drinking, is a huge issue for me. He denies everything. I've tried talking to him over the years about this. He has the idea that once we go to bed, that when we wake up, it's over. Everything is ok at that point. Well, for him, maybe it is. For me, no. A couple years ago, I offered to help him. Told him I would go to counseling, whatever he wanted me to do. He flat out refuses counseling, of any sort. When I tried to tell him that he'd been drinking too much, he got mad and me and quit talking. I can't go on, but, I'm so very scared. I don't want to lose my children, I don't want to hurt them. But, at what point do I worry about me and my sanity and peace of mind? I want to be happy again.

Hello julann. There is a recent post in the Physical & Emotional Abuse group by daydreamer73 titled Experiences with leaving please! You may want to check it out because there are several stories, including my own, which you might find helpful.

To expound a bit - I was in a similar situation to yours - although my STBX is definitely an alcoholic (with at least 4 other addictions as well). I too had hopeful visions that maybe we can get through this and still get along someday. Maybe I can do this in a way that won't hurt him too much (because he has such a fragile ego). I honestly just thought that our relationship was toxic (& irreparable) and we would both be better/happier people apart.

Reality Check: Not possible - at least not in the short-term. This will be painful (for all involved). This will get messy - emotions are not neat and tidy. Your kids may blame and turn against you (for a time). Your H may try to bully or manipulate you (act out; get suicidal; practice parental alienation; turn your mutual friends against you). This will take months (if not a year or two). Plus, you're going to pull the trigger on this shortly before the holidays - which every separated and divorced person will tell you is the toughest period to get through.

I'm not sharing this to scare you or talk you out of it. Only you know what's right for you. I think you're brave to make a hard choice like this. And you're smart for planning ahead. I tried to build up the courage to leave for many many years and so I delayed the inevitable. And in hindsight I sooooo wish I would have done this 11 years ago when I first tried.

I share this because I think you should set your expectations very low. It's like labor and childbirth - if you think its going to be excruciatingly painful and long but will pass within x-time - then when it's awful, you can roll with it and accept it and hold-out until the pain passes. If you know (& accept) the worst possible scenario, then it may not be that bad, but at the very least it will be what you expected.

Good luck to you julann and may you get through this with grace and ease.

I was thinking along the same lines as kbbcoop. How you proceed is really dependant on how much your husband knows regarding your feelings. If you've had the discussion with him numerous times and this will not come as a shock to him, then I say tell him you have starting making plans to actually move out. If he is going to be in total shock when you approach him with this, well, it likely won't go well and he will be angry and hurt.

I do not agree with the above in regards to the children. His situation was a lot different than yours in that you are planning on removing yourself from an unhealthy living environment that has been going on way too long whereas PP's wife cheated on him. To suggest that you children may not speak to you anymore over this is misleading and you should not assume that.

Your husband's choice to drink alcohol excessively for the past 25 years is what has ripped your family apart, not your unwillingness to live in an unhappy environment anymore.

Well at least you have let him know your feelings and given him a heads up about your intentions on moving out. If you told him this and that didn't shock him into saving your relationship than that's on him. My situation was my ex didn't tell me shit until she told me she was done. I tried everything to save the relationship but she said forget it. But she never told me her feelings until it was too late, which sucked but the signs were there. I think men need a 2x4 upside the head sometimes to know things are approaching the point of no return. Anyways good luck, it's a crappy road though. If it can be saved I would try it but if he refuses to listen there's not much you can do. Sorry for your pain.

I wanted to follow-up because my post was very sobering. I don't know what works for you, but for me reading and learning and understanding make a huge difference. Several books helped me, but the one that was the 'antidote' to his final hold on me was In Sheep's Clothing by George Simon. Many alcoholics practice covert aggressive manipulation (like the book talks about) - and the target is often too close to recognize it until it's spelled out in a simple list of 18 tactics (e.g. blame, excuses, diversion, denial...).

Every woman in my Divorce Care group at church is/was married to a person with addictions - mostly alcohol.

And every one of us who, at one time or another, had a rift with our kids over initiating the divorce, ended up reconciling with their kids and have a better relationship with them now than ever. And I think if you weren't cheating, then it's hard for them to continue blaming you for too long.

You'll be okay. I just don't want you to be blindsided by the repercussions if they don't play out as you've planned.

Take care julann.

Thanks, everyone, for your responses! I truly appreciate them! I am truly in a state of not knowing how to proceed. After 25 years, I'm ready to take care of myself, to do what is best for me. However, I don't want to hurt anyone, and I know that's impossible in this situation. I honestly feel that I have given this my best shot. I don't know what else to do to help him, seems he just won't allow any help. Because of all of this, I know I'm not in love with him anymore, although, because of the years we've shared, and our children, I will always love him and don't wish ill upon him, I'm just ready to find my happiness again. GoodProvider-you gave me advise that I needed. You ALL give me different aspects to look from. I've wanted to do this for a LONG time, but, for whatever reason, always backed down. I have to be strong tonight, and just do it. It's just so hard to say those words that change so many people's lives.....

I mean, how does a person say those words anyway?? This is my struggle.....to figure this out......

What I would suggest is have the place ready to go to move into, or have someplace to go after you drop the bomb. My ex wife dumped me but wanted to live together for months as she hadn't planned anything. After 3 weeks of that living hell I told her to leave and she moved in with her mother as she lived pretty close. How you tell him...I don't think there's an easy way. Just make it clear if your serious and don't leave him hanging with false hope, although it's going to be hard for him if he's human at all.

Thanks, kbbcoop77......I'm just sick over this. 25 years.....down the drain :(

You got lots of good advice here already. My ex is an alcoholic, so this post caught my attention. I wonder why you decided your STBX is not an alcoholic? Because he told you he can quit anytime? My ex also drank every night from the time he got home from work, until he went to bed. I decided he is an alcoholic, and I believe he still is, but he is still in denial about that. He had tactile hallucinations the one time he quit drinking for 3 days, but still thinks I'm crazy for calling him an alcoholic.

My point is, if he is an alcoholic or heavy drinker, he will for sure try to lay the blame and guilt on you. What I want you to know is, they all do that. There may be no way that you can tell him you are leaving, without him laying on the guilt, promising to change, and blaming you 100%. I don't think there is a right or wrong way for you to leave. Just focus on your safety and do your best. As others have said, it is very brave of you to do this now. Best of luck and I wish you happiness.

julann - There are also some posts (I believe in the Physical and Emotional Abuse group) on being 'trauma bound'. That's the phrase therapists use to describe the obsession and pull to 'go back' after you've left. One of your subsequent posts made me think of that because you sounded a bit like you're 'waffling' over the guilt from the pain you'll cause by leaving.

Take care.

From what you've said about his drinking, I do feel that your H is likely an alcoholic. My ex-H is an alcoholic, although we were both in denial about that at times, I realized it long before he finally admitted it. I would consider contacting your local Al-Anon group. You can easily Google the Al-Anon website, and they list all meetings in any town in every state. Al-Anon is a wonderful group, it is for friends, family members, spouses, and children of people who abuse/overuse alcohol and/or drugs. They could be a big help to both you and your children. Divorce is hard under the best of circumstances, but it is a whole other ball game when addiction comes into the picture.

You say....you know I spoke with you on xx date ie xx months ago about leaving....well I've found a rental as I said I would and will be moving out on xx date.

You say.... I would have moved in sooner, but [insert daughters name] is having her surgery and I want to be here for her when she gets home.

You need to state of you intend to file for divorce, but if you're not sure thrn don't day anything.

I imagine you need to discuss household finances as well. So be prepared with that too.

I admire your strength and courage in the face of such a massive change. Alcoholics are notoriously selfish, and there is a chance your husband will blame you for the family split. The truth will always be that his alcoholism is the reason you can no longer live in this toxic environment. To add another perspective, I have grown up with an alcoholic father and I know if my mum had ever chosen to leave I would not have held it against her, and in fact in later years I would have wholly supported her.

Have you ever considered the fact that these emotions of guilt may well come from a place of codependency? There is a great book that another daily strength member advised u read called Codependent No More. It has helped me see that we are givers, people pleasers. We never want to cause anyone any pain or distress but usually at the detriment of our own happiness and well being.

Again, I applaude you in making this decision, at least in your mind for the moment. You will no doubt go through some very painful times, but what's the alternative? To stay and accept misery? Be strong x