Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Quick version of the story: My wifeet separated from me a month ago on tuesday. She was repressing her feelings and desires, and would not argue and stand up for what she wanted. I was over controlling and oblivious to what was going on. Not paying her or the kids enough attention. She had gastric bypass, and lost a lot of weight. Couldn't hide her feelings behind food abymore. Started going out and avoiding me. I made the classic mistakes and tried to hold on too hard. She left.
Said she didn't want to try anymore. That it was too hard. That was in the one counseling session she went with me to. So we've had a few conversations since then, and she said she would be willing to date and see how it goes, but that's it for now. Needs to find herself again. Little things she's been saying and doing are leading me to believe that she is not as done as she says she is. Texts with little kissy faces and hearts, planning things in the future, etc...
We had out first date this past Tuesday and it was fun. No relationship stuff, just drinks, dinner, and trivia. Called me babe twice. Nice long hug afterwards. Had a great text session Wednesday morning, then I didn't hear from her the rest of the day. I sent a good night, and got one in return. Didn't hear anything Thursday, so sent a quick good morning, got one in return. Didn't hear anything from her all Thursday night. Got a quick good morning finally this morning. And just had anconvrrsation, but it was strictly about some money issues.
So I guess my question is, what the hell did I do wrong? I haven't put any pressure on her, I was happy, I made sure not to bring up issues, it was a good time! So confused right now!
Said she didn't want to try anymore. That it was too hard. That was in the one counseling session she went with me to. So we've had a few conversations since then, and she said she would be willing to date and see how it goes, but that's it for now. Needs to find herself again. Little things she's been saying and doing are leading me to believe that she is not as done as she says she is. Texts with little kissy faces and hearts, planning things in the future, etc...
We had out first date this past Tuesday and it was fun. No relationship stuff, just drinks, dinner, and trivia. Called me babe twice. Nice long hug afterwards. Had a great text session Wednesday morning, then I didn't hear from her the rest of the day. I sent a good night, and got one in return. Didn't hear anything Thursday, so sent a quick good morning, got one in return. Didn't hear anything from her all Thursday night. Got a quick good morning finally this morning. And just had anconvrrsation, but it was strictly about some money issues.
So I guess my question is, what the hell did I do wrong? I haven't put any pressure on her, I was happy, I made sure not to bring up issues, it was a good time! So confused right now!
I'm not judging you, just trying to look at it from a healthy communication perspective. So please take the following questions in the way they were intended - to help you figure out what's going on with BOTH of you. :-)
What are your expectations around dating? Do you know what hers are? Maybe your definition of dating and hers are different.
What is your definition of putting or not putting pressure on her? Do you know what hers is?
How do you know you did anything wrong? Has she said so? If not, have you asked her?
Is she in therapy?
Are you in therapy working on the control & other issues you mentioned here? Are you learning about how to communicate differently so that you seek first to understand, and only then to be understood (Stephen Covey's 5th Habit from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People).
I would say that, just based on what you wrote here, unless you BOTH are in INDIVIDUAL therapy with DIFFERENT therapists, things won't end up the way you seem to be hoping.
I see over and over where we ASSUME things about other people and most of the time, we're deadass wrong. Did you know that the average person stops listening about 1/3 of the way in in order to form their response to the one who is talking? That means we miss 2/3 of what they are trying to tell us. Plus we all filter what we hear thru our own personal filtering system which is based on past experience. That means there's a lot of misunderstanding on both sides.
So communication is more about active listening and offering feedback as to what you heard and wait for the other person to confirm or offer corrective information.
I hope this helps you figure out what's going on.
~healing hugs~
By pressure, I mean talking about relationship things, broaching any subject that she finds uncormfortable, etc... she is finally starting to at least be able to tell me when a subject is making her feel I'll at ease, and she is starting to stand up for herself again, which is fantastic! I am watching her become the woman I married again.
I don't know I did anything wrong, it just feels like something is amiss, since she drastically reduced our interactions since our date.
As far as therapy goes, I am seeing someone once a week, but she looks hasn't been since that one joint episode. She is aware of the fact that she needs the help, but had said she just isn't ready for it yet. Plus she is deathly afraid of therapy for some reason. Something to do with her not wanting to think her parents are bad people for their divorce, and the fact that she still hasn't dealt with it yet almost 18 years later.
I also agree wholeheartedly about the assumptions. We were both guilty of that. As an example, she automatically assumes that i am going to act a certain way when she says or does something that she thinks I won't like. Instead of talking to me, she is already acting like I was pissed, or hurt, or whatever.
Please don't be afraid of hurting my feelings when you reply. I have been in therapy over a month now, and am making a lot of progress on the issues I need to deal with, including getting angry (not physical or anything, just stupid grumpy, scowling, etc...).