Still working...shouldn't send and haven't reread...

Update 8/30/18 - yes, I know it's incredible long (And I'm a quiet one lol).  I have worked on it and these are my feelings.  

For everyone reading...don't get me wrong - I'm crushed, angry, feel betrayed...but when you love someone you want the best for them. She chose for her and that took strength in her own right.  Maybe selfish..only time will tell.  We didn't have things in common really.  Still don't know why she said yes.

But for me, I am still thankful for her being in my life. It helped me grow and learn about myself.  So I would rather let her go with love than hate. 

Nope, not going to be friends those.

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Natasha,

 Still feels weird calling you that instead of honey.  I hope you are doing well.  I really do.  This isn’t an email to ask you to come back or to try and convince you. I know you tossed everything out, burned everything, and deleted pictures.  I know you make up your mind you stick to it. This isn’t an email to tell you that you are horrible.  Or to put you down.  It’s the opposite.  I want to thank you for the time we had together. In the moment, I was able to give and receive affection, have good times, and laugh. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have memories that I can look back on and smile about (someday). Our relationship isn't something I regret, in fact, it taught me a lot about myself. The days we spent together were some of the happiest and best days of my life. I hope you know that.

It’s been one year since my life changed. The hurricane had a major impact on my life for good or bad.  We were together 18 months total but because of the hurricane 1 year of that was living together.   Was it easy? No. We were both used to doing a lot ourselves. It took a while, more for me than you.  We irrated each other..we frustrated each other…we got on each other nerves.  Would I change it If I could…some minor things yes but spending that year living with you – no.

In a breakup, I’m told we are supposed to hate, be angry, etc.  I just can’t. Hurt..upset..for the loss..sure but not hate. I think I will always, always cherish that time with you.  I know I was quiet and moody sometimes or a lot in your view. I just trying to keep my emotions in check some. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to hurt you. Of course, I did hurt you so that didn’t work out well.  You gave me so many great moments. I just wanted to thank you.  You are amazing.  You have your faults but I love those faults.  I love the little things and how you used to look at me. 

Yes love. Not loved, love.  Even not together, even though we won’t be together, even though we don’t have stuff in common, even though I want to die at the moment from this pain, I’ll always love you.  I don’t let many people in (neither do you, see one thing in common :-p).  You even told me I was guarded in the beginning. It’s because I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I let someone in and it doesn’t work I get crush.  But even being crushed doesn’t change that I love you.

Love. I think that’s why I’m writing. You’ve had a hard life. Your 1^st ex broke you for a while. Your 2^nd ex..well you never truly loved (I’m not judging) so it was different) but you still felt betrayed, hurt and alone.  I don’t know or want to know about the others…  I know about your challenges in life.  I know you are protected person inside..at least when it comes to people.   I just want you to know..understand..that you have really, really touched someone’s life.  That you made a change for the good.  You gave me so much joy over the last year.  From how happy you would be to see me…to the little things..to the stupid butt bump that I miss.  I have a lot of great memories I’ll look back on in time.  A lot of great photos too.    Haha, photos, I would take photos of you because I would want to capture the moment.  You are the most beautiful lady in the world.  No matter what age Natasha. I know you were worried about getting old. I know you hate been called beautiful.  It must stink to get so much attention lol, I wouldn’t know.  I know it does for ladies.  You want someone to want you/love you for you.  Someone did, does, and will.  You have a soft heart for animals.  You are caring and sweet to your family.  You are scared of things (ick blood) just like all of us.  You know..beautiful..I would call you that because I would see the whole package as beautiful. 

 You know you used to joke about the bedroom, that you would miss that.  Natasha, anyone would be lucky to be with you there.  You always took my breath away.  As I told you, it was magical and perfect because I loved you completely.  I haven’t thought about it all this time…but I will in months to come and cherish all those moments with this wonderful lady.  Thank you for sharing your soul.

 I know you thought that you aren’t first in my life…well you and Alyssa were tied. Sorry, I can’t abandon my daughter but doesn’t mean I didn’t want you (or that she frustrated me too). I lived in the frustrating apartment for a year with you. I put you before my needs and wants.  I didn’t go see my mom because you were going to see your mom. And numerous other things… Maybe I should feel used for the stuff I did..but I did it freely and from the heart.  I did it with love…so much love…I pictured us together forever. I pictured us walking hand and hand (I loved you grabbing my hand) though all the challenges. You said I love drama but I hate it.  I want a nice quiet life.  But we both had stuff going on.  Thank you for allowing me to love you and to do all that stuff for you. It was a gift I’ll cherish.

Just so you know..even after all these weeks I can see the breakup. I can hear your words that you were unhappy 50% of the time (Or going to Eharmony..) That you hated wearing the ring.   The ring..I was so proud to have you wear it. I’ll look back someday and feel that again. I was so nervous asking you to marry me.  I almost threw up. You were cute because you thought we were breaking up.  I just remember you saying yes. I’ll never forget that moment.  Ever hon.  Thank you.  I know someone else will also feel that way about you.

I want you to have happiness. That’s what love is to me.  You want the ones you love and cherish to be happy. I know you want me happy too because I believe you truly loved me (which is fricking hard) .  I guess we should have just gone to the court house and got married huh (Joke –don’t shake your head no)?  I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for us.  I hope you’ll look back someday and see I wasn’t all bad.  I hope you find what you are looking for.  I know someone will love you for you because I do.  Just know that someone will always love you.  Even distance, not together, us marrying other people, I’ll always have love for you in my heart.  I don’t want you to feel you don’t matter to the world.  You do. At least to a introvert guy somewhere. 

Let me close with this… Thank you for the unforgettable experience of my hand being held in yours. Thank you for rubbing my back when it was bothering me. Thank you for taking care of me when I didn't take care of myself. I have never slept better than with your arms around me all those nights with your head on my shoulder. From the second I met you, I could tell that there was something about you that had me hooked, simply by the look in your eyes. I connected with you so easily and quickly that I have never connected with someone like that before. That spoke mountains to me, for me to be able to open up to you and talk to you the way I did. You were the first lady I have ever met that made me feel handsome in my own skin. You made me a priority in your life, and for the first time I was put first. I invested my emotions, my thoughts, and my time in you. I only hope that that has brought you happiness. I hope that when you look back at us, that you smile and are grateful for the time spent. I am only sorry that I couldn't do more for you. But whatever you set out to do in this life, I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you years of happiness and laughter. And I wish that you accomplish all of the dreams you set for yourself. Thank you for everything. For treating me like I mattered, putting me first, caring about me, wiping my tears, making me smile, and holding my hand through thick and thin. I am forever thankful for the relationship we had. No one has made the impact you did in the short amount of time together. You are truly one of a kind and I hope you realize that you deserve nothing but the best in this life. 

Maybe writing was selfish (Hey, I can be right?)…probably. Picking at both our wounds. But I think your ex’s were ugly to you and you don’t deserve that. I spent time believing in you. I still do. I worry about you…and I know your views on worry (Don’t lol). You chose for you, which is all anyone can ask.  Don’t get me wrong, this is one of the hardest things of my life but that’s my issue (Up there with my dad and Sam) not yours.

The only thing I guess I ask, since I’m watching your stuff still,  is that you don’t write back saying you moved on or you hate me. I feel that already.  I do know you and know you aren’t going to sit around.  Hug the dogs for me…I miss them too.  My foot is cold without Nura.  Stupid parrot kept saying bye bye when I was packing. I have a finger for it.    Have a safe trip. Tell your mom and friends sorry too.   I’ll regret never seeing where you grow but that’s my issue. 

Let me know when you get your stuff. I don’t know if I’ll be there but someone will. Your key and a document that was in the mail will be too (Retirement for school I think)

Sincerely,

Ex-fiancee NASA guy