The weekend was actually going pretty well, I was doing pretty good mood wise. Of course I was getting pretty creative under my breath and in my mind with names I'm calling him that include bad words. Saturday I hung out with a friend for part of the day, went to church Saturday night, Sunday mowed the whole lawn, this is quite and accomplishment for me because it's a push mower, I'm 54, overweight, out of shape and lazy. LOL Sunday I also went over to my stepdaughters for a visit and cookout. I never mentioned her piece of $h@t father once. After I was home, I didn't notice he had come home until he was at my open bedroom door.  It runined the rest of my weekend.  I am just so hurt and ANGRY that, it really bothered me to see him.  Been sad and depressed since.

He won't move out of the house until the divorce is final or something because he had a consult with a lawyer that told him not to move out because it can appear as abandonment. I WANT him to move out!!!! He is the one that wants the divorce! He has a new gf. He is 62 yrs old. Is on many medications for health issues. He told me things don't work to well in the "swimsuit" area. He does work and puts in a lot of overtime. He says it not about sex, it's more than that.(The new gf.) I also know he got a prescription for Cialis. As of a couple weeks ago he said he hadn't used the pills yet. Well, this isn't the first time he has left me, this is the first time he wanted a divorce though. The type of women he picks to leave me for tend to be low quality women. Usually no job, past or current drug or alcohol issues, usually full of drama and chaos. I have a decent job, I raised 4 of his 5 kids (3 stepkids and we had 2 together), I've grown, I've improved myself, I used to love him, I still care a lot about him. I'm not full of drama and chaos. I don't have past or current drug or alcohol issues. He doesn't drink anymore. We've always gotten along, He does care about me, maybe even loves me to a point.

15 years ago, he left me for a psycho, alcoholic, I think, sometime drug user, physically hit him and things on several occasions. MAJOR chaos and drama. We were kind of back and forth for about a year, then he just went to be with her. Our kids together were little. I became a mess. Dropped into a major depression, ended up losing a good job I had held for 18 years. I struggled to function some days due to depression. I had to raise my kids too. Also, stepkids where in and out of the house too. I was a mess for about 2-3 years. I started divorce but we never ended up finishing it. I went back to school, worked several part time jobs, family helped me. We always stayed in contact, kids got involved in sports, He would come to games. I fell out of love with him but care about him. I was the one who had to tell him when his mom passed away. I'm still on good terms with his side of the family.

12 years after he was in other relationship, I was offered a good job out of state. I talked to him and asked, if I should take it. He said yeah, I said what about house and kids? He said he would take care of them, He wanted to get away from psycho, he moved back home. We talked about maybe trying to put marriage back together. I did tell him I don't love him anymore but I do care about him, He was fine with that. We never did resume an intimate relationship. He said he needed time to get over her and with his health issues, things don't work to well down there. As I said before, we always got along good.

I worked out of state for 3 years, I would work 2 weeks and be home a week. He was never a very good hands on dad but he was around. He would go to kids sports practices and games. Other than that, he would work and make sure the kids were fed. Kids would usually call or text me if they needed something.

I got a job at home, been home for a little over 2 years now. We have basically just been roommates, He has his room, I have mine. i know it wasn't really a marriage but I thought it was some kind of relationship. I've never had the best self esteem so I guess I was just content, I thought he was too.

About a month ago, he didn't come home a couple nights, I suspected something was going on for a couple months before that. Well, confronted him, he admitted he was unhappy and depressed and it had nothing to do with me, it was all him. He wasn't looking for anyone but BAM, there she was. He also admitted over the last 5 years, he has gone to see psycho at times for one thing. He also admitted he never worked on putting the marriage back together. Now there is this new wh@#*. He never did that for me! He did it once when he was with the psycho. He also told me he wanted a divorce. He said he has actually been thinking about that for about a year, more so in the last 6 months. He says when he does move out, he is not moving out to go live with anyone. He says we have always gotten along but that's about it. He says it has NOTHING to do with me. He still cares about me a lot and still loves me but not like a man and wife. He says he isn't going to marry again.

I can't tell you how hurt, sad, ANGRY, afraid, ashamed, like a BIG FAT FOOL, and rejected I feel. Maybe, I have no right to feel these things, Not like we were anything more than roommates, friends, whatever. We did do things together some. As I have said, I have never had very good self-esteem or self-confidence, This just hits it even more. I feel like I failed, I'm not worthy of anyone, I can't even hang on to him. I'm angry that he did this to me AGAIN! I'm angry that I care about him. I'm angry that he started a new relationship and didn't do things the right way. He should have divorced me, moved and then started seeing someone. I feel like I'm fat, ugly and stupid. I feel like such a fool that he did this to me again, I opened myself up for him to do it again.

I haven't really spoken to him for almost 3 weeks. I'm so ANGRY I can't look at him or speak to him. When I see him up in the driveway, I close my bedroom door. He goes in his room and closes his. He knows I angry and hurt. I leave him notes if I need to say anything to him. He hates that, he hates I won't talk to him. I can't yet. He leaves in the morning before I have to get up.

I have great friends who have been helping me deal with my feelings and things, I have talked to one lawyer, I and seeing 2 more this week and 1 next week. We agree on almost everything but he doesn't want me to go after his pension. I want some of it. I don't want half, less than that but I know he isn't going to like that. I feel I deserve it, I raised his kids. I have been his rock, his stability for 24 years. I have done almost everything for him. Granted, we should have divorce years ago but he didn't want it then either. I have improved myself from when he was gone for 12 yrs. I've grown, I've intellectually grown past him, I've became stronger, I've become more independent but I still sort of liked him being around. Now I feel like I'm weak and worthless again.

I have started going to church more, I started going to a DivorceCare group. My kids aren't little anymore, I can't focus on them like I did before. My daughter finished her first year of college, my son is 17 and doesn't need me as much. I'm spending more time with friends. I've been trying to focus on work more and I have applied for 2 part-time jobs to go along with my full-time one. I'm also going back to school in the fall to finish my degree. It will open a lot of doors for me at work.

Sorry this has gotten to be a book. Thank you if you read my story. Tonight, I'm sad and hurt and angry, I needed to just write this out. I know things will get better, I know I'll be fine, I know it takes time, I've done this before. It's just sometimes it really SUCKS.