Hi Courtney,

You are new and I hope that you feel welcome to DS support communities :-) Not everyone comes in with a smiling face either, and I can picture here a story coming in as a frowning face with raised eyebrows. I feel that I personally understand the range of what's going on. My own mother had similar issues.

There are lots of mixed emotions at play between you, your mother, the new friend, and his family. I'm sorry about this, and I hope that my thoughts are merciful to you today. I begin by considering that your mother is now a widow on top of the bipolar and alcohol issues. And being lonely has caused her to fish out the dross of men for companionship. I mean...this guy and his children may be good people; however, I feel that your mom's moods and emotions run somewhere within the sad, mad, grief, longing, loneliness, worry, compassion and a whole lot of complex feelings. She kept him a secret from you. Have you asked her why? This was for a long time too. I consider that she is very embarrassed as well.

Thus keeping you away from comfort by forcing to withdraw college funds is her way of controlling you; not fair! It is important that you finish your career plans; she knows this too! Is she willing to seek expert counsel for her problems? She is struggling with her temper for sure.

Additionally, what she is focusing on is attempting to control how you feel about this new relationship with the man and his children, of which matter I doubt that she gave the idea to move him in any serious thinking. I feel that she made bad choices in the wake of a heavy heart of grief. It could help the situation that therapy or psychotherapy will address her strong emotions in an appropriate way. She really needs to remember the times when she knew what was right to do. With this new relationship, there's really no telling what might happen, because her feelings most likely fluctuate with the day, the wind, her hormones, and the circumstances.

She and you are going to have to begin sessions to share and unload from the heart what you are feeling that's extremely a nuisance to your relationship. And I can tell that you feel it's the state of this guy and his family annoying your blood connection. I agree! It really appears that you are being forced into accepting something that is not a logical part of your past. Best to you!

Remaih! Thank you so much for your thoughtful note. Your words have already been a blessing to me.

The idea of counseling is a great one though I suppose my primary focus is on the next month.


Sadly this man has been in our lives for four years and I don’t think there is any hope of him leaving

In the future am I to avoid my mother and renounce the relationship I have with my biological brother just because this awful guy is around now? It brings me tremendous pain to be around him and she insists on bringing him to all family functions, I don’t see any way out besides no contact when I am no longer financially dependent

courtney, your mom is in a personal battle with the rebelliousness of her grief and loneliness. This really has no value on her relationship with this new man, nor is it a part of her withholding financial support. What you are dealing with is a frail mother, without the power of her own sensible insights. And the reason that she is making such a huge difference in your life now is that she is having great difficulty breaking away from the spell of her own storms of life. It really is not easy to live with the mental fatigue of depression. She has to get into proper therapy. If she has a PD then it may be likely that she needs to see this doctor as soon as possible. I can't imagine that she's had a mental consultation recently.

Right now, with this new guy in her life, the skies are blue, the birds are singing and all is well. NOT! And one of the greatest tests we have as a part of the family unit is to stay bonded and love unconditionally, which is what you and your bio-brother must find in yourselves in order to help your mom reach right down into her heart and find enough strength to make it back to common sense. Never can tell with these situations, might be next hour or next day, next year or three years to never for her to find the courage to face the sad facts of where her life is with this new moocher. (sorry, but that's what I see in him :( The only way out of this matter is for you to show your mom that you love her unconditionally, and that does not mean that she is right all of the time; it means that what's destroying her the most (lack of love and attention) is evidenced in the hearts and minds of those she loves the most and not in her new-dude relationship.

You and your brother start planning a comeback scheme to fight off the powers of her delusions. Her life is characterized by a fear of loneliness and abandonment. And this type of fear will shake the firmest of the footings of the strongest of people; I feel for her.

However, allow her to see this guy in the way she imagines for now. If he is invited to family events, say Ok and swell, Mom! Never alter the perspective of the truth though, just don't rock the boat with her. What you need is time to remind her of her true, loving self as your mom. As I figure, this guy will bump up over a curb of her emotions one day, and that will be a sign of the beginning of the end. Only she has to be persuaded by true love, in you and your brother, to make it to the freeway system of her heart and mind.

It's a pleasure to have words that agree with your own personal thoughts. God bless you today.

Thank you Remiah. It is as if you were here.

I tried efforts to shake her out of this and it caused our extended family to divide. She also made me seem like a pot stirrer which didn’t help when I eventually tried to seek personal counseling because I felt attacked and alone.

They got together during the last three years of my fathers life, she was still married to my dad, but only went “public” a month before he passed away. She tells me now that he is unintelligent and they both get into terrible fights since I’ve been home where he tells her he wishes she chokes to death

She says she loves him and didn’t before, which is so much more warped based on how they act to each other as it has really declined but I still don’t know if it will ever fall apart

Yesterday His daughter asked my mom to take care of her children in 5-10 years when she has them And I died inside thinking this would never really end. I just have such a hard time seeing all of them. In October I didn’t see any of them for over one year straight though she was still paying for my school and paying for me to live on my own. To continue paying she wants me to be more involved in the ‘family’

it’s been really hard adjusting to having them in my life again, I wish I could go cold turkey again. Not sure what changed with these new conditions, maybe she thinks it hurts me less now that more time has passed

courtney, I am so sad that your dad died while his marriage was on the rocks. Your mom is obviously dealing with multiple conscious levels, to name a couple, guilt and shame. It's disturbing what you deal with, yet going cold turkey may mean giving up your relationship with your mother, and that's exactly what this new-love wants to happen. He knows all too well where he stands with her, and even she is experiencing, behind the facade of love, insecurity issues raised by his sharp words; this is cruel treatment too. And this guy has had a considerable degree of her time to get into her mind. Drug addicts are good at that! I was raised in a place filled with the type of stories you tell here, so I do understand what's up.

I know how easy it is to want to back off from a situation that's pulling the family apart; I know what it's like to want to leave the family in a thankless hurry; I've been there. It's just best to try to cope with staying put by thinking a good strategy for caring in a not so possessive way. Your mom is frightened, as I tell above, and she is very uncertain of how to change for the better. And as other family has tried and failed to get through to her, then rather than go that route again, recreating a family disturbance, then you are going to have to live with your mother with the attitude of no conditions of worth attached to it. This is labeled as "acceptance." And it is for the purpose of loving her enough to save her from the painful thoughts of her own self-fears. As much as you can, see her as separate from this guy and his problems. And it is not bad that she is concerned for the safety of his family (daughter and the babysitting); someone likely has to help with taking care of innocent children; this may be a proper way for encouraging the memory of raising you and your brother. Understand? The time she spends with the kids try your best to be there as well. Learning to change will spring from how much you can persuade her to focus on happy experiences. So if she's not complaining about babysitting then so be it. Wish her well for that and keep aware to pitch in some time of your own to help her out with the kids. Surely, there are times of laughter and happy conditions motivate positive thoughts and feelings, this is a good thing for your mom.

In the long run, by my best guess, this affair will end abruptly. You see, these two people (your mom and boy-toy) are both dealing with the shame, guilt, and embarrassment of a fling during a time of which she should have been faithful to your father. I have no doubt that she has many times reminded him of how much attention she gave to him when her thoughts and feelings should have been centered around the care of her husband.

I really do feel sorry that you are going through the struggles, taking into account this man's abusive behavior to both you and your mom, all is horrible. Pray hard for relief. God is the only way out, Courtney. Bless you, with supportive, comforting hugs today!

Get out of that situation! You are very intelligent, apply for grants at your school, apply for scholarships at the school, go to the employment office and request help for your disability for a federal grant, a work study, apply for work studies at your school, apply for Pell grants, student loans. United Way and Churches help individuals going through hardships, apply for disability with your bipolar diagnosis, apply for SSI (supplemental income for your dire situation, you can get housing assistance based on no income, it will be a stepping stone to enable a safe haven for you until you graduate and get a job to be financially independent. Your mother doesn’t own you nor does anyone else, you are not indebted to people! You are eligible for many assistance programs, fight for each one, you need these opportunities now but you won’t need them when you get on your feet. You have to be humble and ask and be receptive to government assistance programs at this time in your life and it will help you to get on your feet and then you won’t need help like that again. You can do this, where there is a will there is a way!
God speed to you and God Bless you on your journey!