Oh give me a break, he plays the video games continuously because he's 11. The only cure I ever found was the car trunk. Works really well......shut it and forget it...

I never asked my kids if they were playing continuously, because I didn't want to get lied to. I just paid attention. Not always, I'm not perfect any more than they are...but I'm not blind either (although they sometimes wish I were).

My daughter has always been able to be moderate with video games, my son.....not so much. But they're opposite on other things.

My best advice to you is not to confuse normal kid stuff (like the video game and lying) and divorce stuff. Also it's his right to be broken hearted about it, and not yours. I don't think that kids ever quite get "over" wishing their parents were together, but they do adjust.

playing video games in a kid thing. its been his way of escaping the divorce drama. If you take away his video games, he may substitute it with something more dangerous like drugs and alcohol. I don't see how this broke your heart. this is typical stuff that kids do.

sorry, let's back it on up and let me clarify... forget the video games... totally get that normal kids stuff totally get that, been a mom a while, I get it... lying.. maybe be normal for other kids, but not my son. Not to this extent. but forget that too...

I guess what I was focusing MORE on... is that when I asked him straight out why he was lying so much he it was because of the divorce that he was really broken up about it and not okay like he's been telling me the last few months. We talk about it openly because I don't want it to be a taboo issue (remember only kid friendly talk I know kids shouldn't be dragged in to all the drama behind the scene).

He was hiding his feelings he said and that wasn't the relationship we had prior to this... he told me quite a bit about his feeling and was very open. I realized that he's angry with me about the divorce even though his dad is the one who left. That broke my heart.

I know I was living in lala land thinking "okay - maybe we got this... maybe this will be better" to realizing it wasn't in a second. So what I should say is that seeing my son so broken up sent me right back to the day we sat the kids down and told them and all that pain came rushing back and THAT broke my heart...

I thought we were handling this divorce/separation in a way that the kids were going to be okay with and maybe even better with given that they weren't seeing the negative behavior and their dad was more engaged now. Realizing that we weren't or that it will never be possible to have the fairy tale divorce made me sad.

I understand that he has the right to be upset... I guess I just don't know what to say to him. I'm not going back so how do I help him cope? How do you help a child get through the pains of divorce? I'm trying to talk with him about it but again, he's angry with me so it seems to make things worse. so I'm just giving space and will get him counseling. I told him that I was there if he wanted to talk like we used to... and I'm giving space.

Okay then, two issues.....stress, and his feelings about the divorce. (His lying sounds like a direct result of stress.)

I'm five, no six years past my divorce. For a while my son was even pulling his hair out over it all (talk about a red flag sign).

At least from my experience (I'm sure other people have had other experiences), what was most important was that my kids knew that it was okay for them to have whatever feelings that they were having.....and NOT okay to act out on them in any way they wished.

My job was more to teach coping skills. I wouldn't let them just dive into any one thing.....limits on sports, food, friends, reading, painting, running, school work, sleeping, soda's.......whatever.

I let them know that any or all of those things work for a short time (including alcohol....they weren't that old, but their dad was drinking heavily), but don't work well long term. That the key was balance.

I let my kids know that it was okay to love, hate, and just be annoyed as heck at each other, their dad, and me....all in the same hour at times. That feelings often pass, although sometimes don't. That there were times when they were toddlers that their faces turned so red, and their expressions were such that if they could have thrown knives, I'd have been a pin cushion (humor helps). Stop, breathe, do something.....and if you can't walk away (as I can't at work, and they can't at school......then do it mentally....*****go to the happy place, the happy place, the happy place*****).


Remember too the future's an unknown to him. I recognized that with my kids. I had no idea if we'd move, or what was going to happen. I didn't try to hide it. I answered any questions they asked honestly (because I wanted to teach them to answer honestly to me).

At the same time I didn't pull them into every up and down through my day (In other words I did NOT say: Kids we're moving. No we're not. Your dad is an ass and we're going to have to move. We'll be homeless. Argh!!!)

What I DID say was: I have no idea of how this will end, but I do know we'll get through this together. People and families actually DO become homeless and make it. It's a different pass, and not one I want, but we'll make it.

(Into The Woods is actually a pretty good movie for demonstrating that things don't turn out the way we want and expect....)


In any case, many years later my kids are extremely well adjusted, close to both their father and me......and still kids.

Your son will make it. How do I know? Because the back and forth between you and your STBX shows that you both care about him.

Patti

This issue is one of my worst fears. We (well...I did the talking) told our kids a week ago today about our separation. It was tough but we got through it. It's only been the first week, but they seem to be adjusting pretty good but I realize it is only the first week. I'm trying to be open with them to make sure they can voice whatever their concerns or feelings are without badgering them to tell me something. I worry that the novelty of mom's new shiny apartment is going to wear off and then their reality is going to hit.

Thank you for this post and thanks patti22 for the response.

I dont know but as a kid going through what felt like a divorce when I was younger ....I think all I wanted was to feel that both my parents loved me. My parents never divorced but they seperated several times. Anger happens because we hurt inside and nothing can really make it feel better so it cant go anywhere but out so we have to doctor the anger so we can release through sadness and tears. Since he enjoys video games then perhaps he might enjoy one that lets him relase his emotions. Maybe they all do that for him but maybe there is a particular one that will help him more and the other thing is that most people to me just want you to acknowlwdge what they are going through and be mindful of it. I would just reassure him if he needs to talk then you are available and should he choose to talk to you that whatever he tells you will not make you feel horrible (so he wont feel gulit)....

I had similar issues with my children and had great advice that has really helped. It's important to make a clear distinction with our children that there is a separation between the divorce and bad behavior. Can one cause the other? Sure, but as parents we can't forget that kids are VERY smart and in a lot of cases somewhat manipulative (yes, even the best behaved kids on the planet).

I noticed not to long ago that whenever my 7 year old was about to get in trouble with me, she would pull out the "I miss daddy" or "I'm sad daddy doesn't live here" routine. While I don't doubt these are real feelings and I don't want to dismiss them, I tried to separate them for her. I would first say "we'll talk about your dad in a minute, first we're going to talk about why your in trouble", then after I'm done handing out whatever consequences for the bad behavior, I would say "Ok, now let's talk about your dad"

It was a suggestion from my own personal therapist. She said that kids early on can tell that parents go into overdrive when it comes to sensitive divorce issues and most will learn quickly to use it. It's important that they know that you are there for them to talk openly about their feelings and try to navigate such a hard situation, but that divorce isn't a 'get out of jail free' card for bad behavior. There are still consequences for that.

EmotionalCutter raises an excellent point. Many children, including the good ones, use a divorce to manipulate their parents. They can smell guilt a mile away. This is a great opportunity to teach your son an important lesson about character -- a bad situation doesn't justify bad behavior. I hope the counseling helps.

Yeah my daughter is only is only three and she manipulates. I have to go into another room and laugh because she can be so funny when she does it. I am going to be in trouble when she is older.

I really like all the responses. I will add:

As the mom, for ME, I needed to separate my feelings from my ex as a not-great partner, from my feelings of him as a decent father. He doesn't put my son in danger, pays his support, can communicate with me in a very civil, normal, mature manner.

I think parents feel like they are letting their kids down by not giving them the two-parent, picket fence, one dog home. Well, shit happens. I feel it's a let down for kids to stay in lousy marriages, and demonstrate the signs of what unhealthy looks like on a daily basis....signs that kids pick up on because they are smart, free-thinking, independent human beings, and not robots we control.

I do believe you have anxiety and stress over the divorce, and have guilt feelings, which is natural. But, like Patti said, your son has his feelings and rights to feel how he does.

Many hugs...

Thank you so much and to you too Patti22... I really really appreciate your response =O) I know I need to put it into perspective... it will get better... I know and thanks for helping me keep it in perspective...

Today I decided to file the papers... deep breath... thank you all for being there when I needed you =O)