My husband and I had been together for 10 years when we got married.  Our relationship had never been perfect,  but we loved and supported each other.  

Exactly one month after we got married,  my husband and I got in a giant argument that resulted in him choking me and slamming me into walls. He had never laid a hand on me before that point. 

It was incredibly isolating,  and he asked that I not say anything to anyone.  I wasn't supposed to tell family or friends. 

I asked him to leave for awhile and to not come back until he got some counseling.  He refused to get counseling, and I let him come back 3 months later if he agreed to work on the relationship and get marriage counseling. 

At this point,  we were facing losing our home.  Only weeks later,  my husband began to withdraw from me. instead of supporting each other through the mess we were in,  he pulled away and decided his time was better spent with friends and his mom.  

Two months down the road,  I'm living with my family and he's living with his.  For two months straight,  I had been trying to get through to him.  He never visited with me.  He never called me or answered my calls. He never responded to texts or emails.  I would show up to his mom's to talk and he wouldn't let me in.  

I had to move the remaining stuff myself from the house.  He had completely checked out and disappeared. I managed to get through and talk to him a couple of times.  During these talks,  I clearly told him that I needed him to be my husband and be active in my life.  Despite telling me he understood,  he stayed quiet and not involved in my life. 

Finally I told him I was done, and that I was moving on with my life.  He told me that he no longer wanted to have children one day and that "I was better off without him around."

So for two months after that,  I went about my business.  I applied to a university to get my bachelor's.  I found a new job, and made some new friends.  I started putting my life together without him.  Then suddenly, he wanted back in. 

I tried giving him a chance,  but even to this moment,  I feel like it won't work.  I try putting on a happy face and making the marriage work.  But I have nothing left to give at this point.  I carried the relationship for years, because he just checked out more and more.  

I told him he needed to be the one making the effort this time.  If he truly wanted this marriage, he would have to make it work.  He would have to be the reliable, stable one for awhile so I could pursue the things in life that I wanted.  I was no longer going to hold off on realizing my goals so he could run around trying different projects. 

He agreed to this,  but here we are, 3 months later, and I see him beginning to slack again.  I had a feeling it might happen. 3 months in and he's making less effort,  and giving me less time and telling me that this is "too difficult. " I'm at my wits end.  I'm not sure that I want to keep playing these games with him.  I'm ready to move on and find someone who truly cares about me.  

I'm afraid to move forward though,  because I'm currently at the mercy of my family.  I'm residing in their home until I get back on my feet, and I'm worried that they'll turn on me if I tell them I plan on getting divorced.  

I know it needs to happen,  but I feel like I need a bit more stability before I'm ready to tell everyone.