I am writing this post tonight, with the hope that these words may bring some hope and comfort to those that will find their way to this message board after being left by their spouse or significant other this holiday season. I read somewhere that break-ups occur during the months of November to January more than any other time of the year.

Last year, on the night of December 14, 2010, my husband of 10 years left me, without warning. In one night, everything in my life changed. My husband was suddenly someone I did not recognize - like a switch was flipped. He refused to talk to me, and his only words to me were his continued assertions that our marriage was over, he was never coming back, and that there was nothing to salvage. Days later, I learned that he was living with an old girlfriend from before we met.

Words cannot express the misery that ensued after he left, but I will try: I could not eat. I lost 50 lbs. in about 5 weeks. My hair started to thin and fall out. I cried every day for months. At first, I couldn't sleep. Then, when I could sleep, I struggled through every day, just waiting until I could go home and go to bed, and make it all go away. I wasn't really a smoker before, but started smoking over a pack a day. I felt crazy. I felt traumatized. I felt confused. I felt betrayed. I found joy in nothing. I had no interest in anything. I felt completely emotional, but at the same time, I felt dead. And sometimes I wished that I were dead. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

But I made it through. Eventually, I stopped crying everyday. Then I stopped crying altogether. After a while, I started to enjoy life again. And then I was even happy. How did I do it? Well, it wasn't rocket science, and most of what I am about to tell you, you would find out from others in this support group. But here is my "survival guide":

Go extremely easy on yourself, and keep life simple. During this period, you need to eliminate every task or obligation that is not absolutely necessary. Fortunately, I did not have children. But I did have a full-time job and a household to support, financially. So I went to work, but I didn't try to be employee of the month. I did the minimum of what I needed to do, and then I went home to take care of myself. It was the holidays, but I skipped buying presents, and in fact, told my parents that I just wanted to be home by myself on Christmas. My point is - that there are a lot of obligations we "volunteer" for when we are not in crisis. During the first weeks/months of your break-up, even mundane tasks will be extremely difficult. So do take care of your children, your job, etc., but forgive yourself if you aren't as good as you usually are, and don't feel like you need to do anything extra. Be selfish with your time, and keep as much of it for yourself as possible.

So what do you do with all of this time to yourself? Unfortunately, it is not a good time. You will feel pain. You will have crazy thoughts. You will cry and cry again. I know it sounds cliche, but the saying is true. The only way you can get past the pain is to go through it. You have to accept the way you feel, as terrible as it is, in order to honor yourself and to find your inner strength.

In the meantime, you have to force yourself to eat, and to drink plenty of water. Try to avoid harmful activities. While I did smoke a lot, I completely avoided alcohol while I was in crisis. Substance abuse will only cause you to lash out and/or feel sorry for yourself, and avoid dealing with your true feelings. Plus, a hangover will make you feel even worse than you already feel.

With respect to the STBX, as a general rule, you should try to have no contact - at least for the first month. If you really need to communicate (e.g., where there are children involved) try to keep it to the absolute minimum. Everything in your being will want to hear his or her voice; to be with him or her. Your instinct will be to seek answers, an apology, compassion, love. You will not get these things - at least not now. Contact at this early stage, when the wounds are fresh and you are at a very low point, will only disappoint and cause you pain (as you will inevitably realize the first couple of times you don't take this advice). The thing about contact is that it puts the focus back to the spouse/significant other and the failed/failing relationship, and off of where your focus should be - on yourself, and figuring out what you need as you move into an uncertain future.

As you focus on yourself, you will move through different stages. The first is just making it through the day. You should lean on friends and family, and use them as a soundboard. If you can afford it, get counseling. If not, get some self-help books. Or do both - like I did. (I highly recommend "Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or Loss of a Loved One" by John Gray.) Then you can start to add. EXERCISE. GET OUTSIDE. Do things that make you feel good about yourself (new hair, new clothes, etc.). Start new hobbies, or resuscitate old ones. Think about the person you were before the relationship. Reconnect with that person.

Anyway, that is how I survived. When I came out the other side, I actually felt renewed, and in some ways happier than I have ever been, because I had learned to love myself at a very core level - despite the rejection I experienced from the most important and influential person in my life (my husband). Was I still in pain? Do I still feel pain? Yes. It will probably never go away entirely. But it can be used in a productive way.

It has been a full year since my husband left me. So you may be wondering what happened after he left. Well, I got through the crisis, I learned to take care of myself. I accepted that, while I did not know what my future would hold, I would make it a good future - with or without my husband.

Then he came back to me.

We have been working on our relationship for several months, and it has vastly improved. I think we are going to make it - in large part due to the soul-seeking and self-awareness that we gained while we were apart. I do not intend to give anyone false hope. For many, a break-up is permanent. But for others, there is still a chance. In any case, you have to face the future as I did. You have to embrace its uncertainty, and make a commitment to yourself to live the best life that you can - no matter what.

I hope that my experience may be helpful to others this holiday season. While I do not know your names or faces, I will be thinking of you in the next weeks. Take good care of yourself and remember that the really bad part will not last forever. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Peace and Love.