With trust, going to divorce care i learned To trust
God again. That took a lot for me to get to that Point.
I had even forgotten i had a soul thats pretty sad.

My recovery journey is probably a little different than
yours, I also have learned how to be vulnerable again
Around safe people.

I still am not ready for the big test of dating and A new
Relationship. That Scares me to even think about it, I
still feel Like a married person on the inside. Thats
Something i need to overcome.

I am healing myself and my heart slowly, i am Far
from cured. I started getting better the more detached
I became from my ex. It still hurts and i try not to be
Bitter, healthy anger is good for me and my soul. HUGS

I can relate to what you are both saying. DivorceCare has been a blessing to me and that is a great start. Any church group or bible study would offer the same message of hope and opportunities for safe friendships. This is all going to take some time for all of us.

It just takes time. I remember some advice I received from a guy at my church's mens group. He said that the opposite of love is is not hate. Love and hate are two sides of passion. The opposite of passion is indifference. He told me that I'd know I was over it when I could look at my ex and feel indifference. That feeling took a long time to show up. perhaps 4 years ? It's hard to say exactly because it happens gradually. I just remember hearing one day that she had some problem or something, and I had this mild sense of pity for her. (quickly the thinking half of my brain reminded me that it wasn't my issue and not to get involved) But the feeling was there, and it kind of surprised me.

I will say however that after you get to that point, it's a lot easier to try on a new relationship. You will probably be more cautious (which is good) and that gives your heart time to warm up to your new interest.

Sometimes I wonder the same. I feel like I've been through so much pain that I will never be stupid and blindly trusting again, which means I'll never be so open and giving freely and openly of my heart and my love.

But there is a small part of me that still dreams of that partner with whom I can be completely open and with whom I can share life and laughter. That small part of me wants to stop being scared and wounded and open my heart and LIVE again. The rational side of me says that I can't do that ever, if I want to protect myself, but ... I still want to shed this blanket of despair I feel hanging over me and just run and skip and be happy.

Maybe it's getting back in touch with the inner child in all of us. That's what I did his weekend - it was a mild weekend so without planning I laid on the grass in the backyard and balled my eyes out. Then I stared at the blue sky through the leafless branches and remembered that I hadn't done that since I was a kid. I also listened to the birds and looked at the blades of grass and thought about how grass grows and how he lawn mower just comes to cut it down, but somehow it grows again. Then I cried again. I stayed out there for about an hour. It was very cathartic. And the weird thing is that my week has started out differently - I'm not feeling as sad and wounded anymore.

Maybe there is a way back from a calloused heart. We just have to remember that not everyone is a selfish bastard. ;-)

"We just have to remember that not everyone is a selfish bastard. ;-)" --- I had to learn this too.

When I was going through my divorce 6 years ago, I thought I would never want to be with anyone again, because...well, what's the point?? They're just going to cheat on me!! And then I met my 2nd husband. He has shown me a whole new world full of people I didn't know existed. All of his friends have been married 25+ years and they're devoted to each other.

A lot of people think and say, "I know my spouse would NEVER cheat." And then it happens. So, I hate to say this, because I know how it sounds...but, I know husband #2 would never cheat. He does not suffer from low self-esteem (like cheaters do) and he doesn't need anyone else. He was 48 when we got married and I am his first wife. His most recent girlfriend was a 6 year relationship and she kept asking him to marry her. He said they had fun together, but were not really compatible enough to marry. He never cheated on any of his ex-girlfriends. He truly is fine being alone. He is content.

So, my advice would be, when you feel you're ready to meet someone, three of the qualities I would look for would be:

1) Someone who doesn't suffer from low self-esteem
2) Someone who is content and not always looking for something/someone to make them happy, because they're already happy/content.
3) Someone who doesn't mind being alone. They don't need to cheat with someone to feel good about themselves.

I think if you don't have the above 3 qualities, it's a recipe for a cheater.

ElizabethM - Quality #3 is so important! I look back at my ex. He has not been alone since he was 17. Literally there were 2 weeks between him leaving his first wife (because she cheated on him) and meeting me. 11 months later we were married. This time he didn't wait to be alone to find another woman, he simply started an affair. When I exposed the affair the the other woman's husband, she ended the affair and in a very short 2 weeks he is already on match.com. He is so angry with me (his logic to try to rationalize his anger is hysterical, btw). He doesn't understand that his anger comes from his low self-esteem and the inability to be alone. He doesn't want to date. Mark my words, people, my ex will be remarried by Feb 22, 2018. (If it even takes that long.)

I felt the same way. I didn't believe in true love at all anymore. I was wrong you will be able to feel again.

Oh girl friend I know what you are going through and the million dollar question of will you be open and trust and feel again with no wall that is built to stop it , prevent it or even to be the dead end. I am still going through my divorce so I have yet to reach where you are now of being divorced but I have asked myself the very same questions. Just because you do not see it does not mean it is not there, just because you do not feel it now does not mean you will not feel it at some point. It takes a special person to sweep a woman like you and me and others off of our feet and take us out of our comfort zone that we lived in to not only protect our heart but also to prevent the pain and repeat of the past. From what I am told there are special people like that and time not only heals the mind but the heart . It is not fair to you or for you to count your chickens before they hatch. You walked through and out of the dark tunnel that some of us are still walking through and you have not only written but you made beautiful art of what you want in your present and future as some of us are still working with pencils and giant erasers . Just because you do not or can not see it now does not mean you cant or wont at all. There will be a time when your eyes and your ears will work with your heart . Expect it when you least expect it is when it happens. Hugs to you my friend.

I agree. I often wonder if I will openly love again. If I will trust them again. I lived on shifted sand for so many years. I hope we all are able to love again.

Hmmm not sure how callous my heart and soul are but fairly well still tipped to untrust and hold back. Maybe at a point well back of the barrier I have made as a safety zone of healing and retreat. I learned this morning my renewal on restraining order is valid but it has not been served to her yet since she is in the hospital. All I know and not too concerned though I did inform my attorney but not my son. I suppose this would be close to the indifference and opposing feelings to love. Praying for healing....