My friend who lives out of state just emailed me to let me know she's pregnant and due in June. I'm so happy for her. She's a great person and will make a great mom. I must admit my heart sank when I read her email because she's 35 and just got married this past August and is already pregnant. I'm 36 and have been married for 9 1/2 years and still don't have kids and my marriage is on the rocks. In November my hubby said he was no longer attracted to me and wanted a divorce but in mid-December he came around and finally admitted I wasn't the only one that caused problems in our marriage. He was guilty too. He said he wanted to work on things which is wonderful but now I feel like I'm living in limbo and am auditioning for my marriage while he decides if he wants to be with me or not. We're working on fixing things in counseling and on our own but there is no guarantee we will be married 6 months from now.

I'm just really mad at myself that I was too afraid to have kids at a reasonable age. I was just terrified of being pregnant. Part of it was because I fear morning sickness and the though of having a human inside me freaks me out but the other part is that I donated a kidney and only have one so it's riskier for me. It was stupid for me to wait because now I'm old which means it's even more risky for me to have a baby. Ugh! I'm sorry to ramble but I'm just really depressed about the current state of my life and not knowing what the future holds. This whole marriage crisis has shown me that I really do want kids and I'll be so devastated if I am not able to have them. If I end up splitting with my hubby I'll have to start all over. If I'm even lucky enough to find love again I will be way too old to have kids by the time I remarry. I am just freaking out and it's so stupid that something that is so joyous for my friend sent me into a freakout like this. I just need some support I guess. This is just a crappy time. Thanks for reading. It helps to get it out.