today has not been great.  I made it through work and been trying to make plans for the weekend to stay busy but it's not working out.  I have been home all night trying to watch movies and stay out of my own head and I'm miserable.  I miss her so much tonight and all my issues are coming full circle.  I miss my life I miss her daughter...and I have not been sleeping.  I just want to see her talk and be able to fix all of this...especially with what medical things she is dealing with now.  I have debated reaching out to her next week just to see how the final week went and say I miss her I love her and if she needs to talk or anything and leave it be.  I'm scared I'm beyond terrified of losing her forever and I am not sure if that has happened bc no one knows the future.  Maybe I'm being silly thinking she misses me after these last few days and that maybe we still have hope.  Idk I'm just lost so lost and I love her and my lying caused all of this.  I could be with her asleep right now planning our weekend.  Idk let's hope I can get a hold of this and get some sleep.