Yeah, I know it's only Halloween, but I've always liked costumes, candy, and sharing special moments with my kids.This is the first Halloween that I've been single since the age of 17.

(I got my first kiss from my first wife on Halloween that year while trick or treating dressed up as the Blues Brothers with one of my friends)

Its also the first Halloween that I have been childless. My biological youngest son is 18 now and away at college and I know longer get to spend time with my ex's son and daughter.

She broke up with me over Labor Day weekend and because her son and daughter aren't biologically mine, I have no parental rights to see them. In just two months I've missed her birthday, Labor Day, her daughter's birthday

(now age 5, I helped raise her since she was 1, her father died before she was born and she picked me as her dad. One day I went from being called by my first name to being called dad or daddy, damnit now I'm crying again)

and now I've also missed Halloween with them.

I know I said I wouldn't post again because sometimes the advice I get hurts (I'm not saying it's bad advice, just hard to hear), but I have no one else to talk to and needed a way to get this off my chest.

I also had to work tonight and work went terribly. I only finished work right after trick or treat ended. During my smoke breaks I had to go outside and saw all the families out together.

Smoking and crying is not a good look.

I apologize, there really is no point to all of this other than I'm really sad, lonely, depressed, needy, and desperate.

I really wish I could get through this, but I miss her and the kids so much. My heart still hurts 2 months later every second of every day like it just happened.

How long will it take to overcome this? Will I ever feel happy again?

I've had breakups before, but never with kids involved. Honestly, even after over 4 years together, I still couldn't give you a list of flaws or things I didn't like about her (other than breaking up with me).

I've never had someone in my life that was so perfect to me and for me and previous breakups with other women never, ever came close to hurting this badly.

It feels like I've lost everything and my life is over. I did lose her, she was my best friend, my love, my confidant, etc.

I also lost two children that I loved just as much as my own.

(my one son would say I loved them a little more than my own, but he's 23 and kind of a jerk sometimes, sorry kid, it's the truth. I'm also sorry that you learned it from me. I'm trying to be better).

I also lost my home, my sense of security, my sense of belonging, hope, self-worth, and happiness.

All I have left is my car, my job, my sons (who seem disappointed that this happened and don't blame me, but have distanced themselves from me emotionally and were my only support besides her),

and my elderly parents who are emotionally vacant but let me stay in their spare bedroom (storage room with a bed) that doesn't have any heat.

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful (I've been actual 'living on the streets' homeless before), but I've lost a lot and I've never felt so alone, unloved, and unwanted before.

If it didn't border on possibly illegal or creepy, I would pay someone for a hug right now or to just hold me and tell me things will be ok.

How does a person overcome so much loss and emptiness?

Especially when faced with comments that I can't forget her saying like:

"Being with you was a mistake, we were wrong for each other, I'm not going to be in relationships anymore, I can't put my children through another absent father. I'm going to go back to being a widow with children".

In other words, being alone is better than being with me. I never measured up to her memory of her deceased husband no matter how hard I tried.

We were engaged but she refused to get married until she was over grieving him. I didn't push because I was trying to be loving, respectful, and understanding.

The house was filled with reminders of him, pictures, clothes, etc. She wore three necklaces that had to do with him that she refused to take off.

One necklace was a cross, one had his "wedding" ring on it, and one was a pendant with his thumb print on it (which I think was made after he died if I remember correctly? Yeah, I don't know it's kind of morbid). Which makes sense, because even after his death she was under his thumb!

She also wore two bracelets and three rings that had some meaning to her regarding him. Like if Liberace had a dead husband, cut back on the jewelry!

How do you get over someone when you have reminders everywhere?

Every year she would write his birthday, their anniversary, the day of the accident, and the day of his death on the calendar! Each event would mess her up for weeks and they were months apart. Father's day was a mess too.

By the way, there was exactly one picture of me in the entire house which was taken down and given back to be right after the breakup.

When I gave her the engagement ring she put the one from him and the wedding band from him on the other hand.

Um, seriously?

Do I need to live in the shadow of a ghost?

Put that shit away.

Sorry, I don't swear often.

But I was helping to WILLINGLY raise his daughter and I had legitimate divorce papers when we got together.

She actually demanded to see them and contacted the lawyer to make sure they were legitimate!

I made a smart ass comment about calling my ex-wife while she was at it, but I honestly think I was well within my rights on that one!

She put him on this pedestal that did not align with the few things that she actually did tell me about him.

There was some confusion after his death because apparently they got married somehow and he wasn't even fully divorced from the previous wife who he had a 1 year old son with and he just left them to climb the fence to the greener grass on the other side.

I'm sure a guy that worked in I.T. didn't have the computer skills to fake divorce papers right? Or possibly even a marriage certificate?

The girl on the other side of the fence just happened to be his old college girlfriend's roommate and they had a secret crush on each other during college and remained in contact since then.

Yeah, it's a damn soap opera.

Apparently, she claims that he was at her wedding for her first husband and when she danced with him she knew instantly that she married the wrong guy. *eye roll*

But yet she stayed with that guy for about 4 years and had a son with him?

Hmmm, I lasted about 4 years...

Second "husband" only lasted a few months before getting in the car accident that eventually killed him. I wonder if he would have lasted more than 4 years?

The fence jumping also happened to coincide with her running away from her husband at the same time, what a coincidence!

Apparently, (and there's no proof) her first husband was hatching a secret plot to have her and her son killed while they were living in Mexico as English teachers.

I met the guy a few times, (he would come to the U.S. twice a year to visit his son) he was a little creepy, but one of my Master's degrees is in psychology and I'm a pretty good judge of character.

He didn't seem like the emotionally, mentally, financially, physically, and sexually abusive, rapist, drunk, murderer that she claimed he was.

Makes me wonder what she tells people about ME now to justify our breakup?

Anyway, apparently they were both horrible, abusive people and they had to run away from them at the exact same, effing time.

She had to dramatically flee from Mexico with only one suitcase and her son (dramatic Lifetime movie style).

He just kinda bailed on his wife and son (his wife was also conveniently abusive, he was a big guy, wifey was not, I'm calling b.s. on that). I was abused by my first wife and from what I know about him, he wasn't the type to be victimized by anyone.

Even though his marriage seemed to be doing fine (hence the 1 year old son) before they started emailing back and forth about how she was leaving her husband.

Yeah, there's so much more, but to hear her talk you'd think he was the second coming of a religious demigod or something. (Trying not to anger the spiritual people with my words there).

That went in an odd direction!

I missed Halloween with my ex and her kids turned into a badly written Lifetime movie of love and betrayal starring Sally Fields and Meredith Baxter Birney.

Ok, I guess that's it, no one will probably want to read this mess anyway.

Summary: I'm sad, life sucks, I miss people and things.