Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi, this is Rachel again, and I wanted to ask your advice about a little more about my situation with my ex husband and our 14 year old son. The situation with my son babysitting the new girlfriend’s baby was only one thing after a completely traumatic week and after years of abuse by him. So, a little history on this is that my ex husband was very abusive to me and psycotic, he is by definition a psychopath and an abuser. Finally, 11 years ago, I was able to escape with my then 3 year old son. About 2 1/2 years ago when our son was almost 12, he decided to fight me for joint custody. After a horrible 2 1/2 year custody battle , he was granted some visitation with our son, just this past January, which included 2 nonconcecutive weeks during summer vacation, and was permitted to travel out of state for vacation. The first was just last week and obviously I was completely worried sick about my son. To make things worse, as soon as his trip started and he was driving alone with our son, he took our sons phone (I have my ex’s number blocked so he can’t reach me directly and all of our communication is through the talking parents site) this is because of his history of severe physical, sexual, verbal and emotional abuse against me. He was harassing me and threatening our son during this entire drive. To make things worse, he then turned around and accused me of harassing him during his time with our son and ruining his Father’s Day. This was only the beginning of a whole nightmare week of him harassing me nonstop and then turning around and making ridiculous accusations against me on talking parents. To make things worse, I got a very strange and upsetting text message from his mom, who was traveling with them, accusing me of something totally unexplained that didn’t make any sense. There were constant accusations of me harassing my ex husband, our son, his mother and his brothers 2 ex girlfriends, who are the mothers of our sons cousins. When my son returned from the trip, even though he had fun with his cousins, he told me that his dad was talking trash about me the entire trip. And in addition to that, spent no time with him at all and spent the entire time smoking and talking on the phone ( he is under strict court order not to smoke around our son). My son then went on to say that his dad didn’t participate in any activities, but when he was around “all he did was yell at everyone “. The day after my son returned, he told me that his dads new girlfriend has been texting him about babysitting her baby, which happened yesterday and my son and this girl are planning on making it a regular thing, he will be babysitting this baby twice a week at my home. Additionally, this Friday, all of our sons cousins will be here to visit, which my ex husband is controlling
I know that its never easy with the ex. There are few who are lucky to have a wonderful cooperative relationship with their exes. I asked mine if we could remain cordial around the kids for the sake of the kids. His response was "I don't know if I can do that.' Since then, he has told everyone in town, called every member of my family telling them all sorts of lies and still continues to badmouth me 5 yrs later... even though he's engaged to be married.
I have had friends come up to me and ask me why won't I say anything. My response has been:
1. Responding will only fuel the fire. Then what come out as a bitter person ranting becomes a public dispute for everyone to see.
2. You'll find out who your real friends are. Who will support you.
And I know its hard now to believe, but eventually, your child will grow up to see the truth and come to their own conclusion.
It was my biggest fear that I would lose my children to his badmouthing me especially since they live with him full time. But I have sat quietly and heard them make comments such as 'I don't know why dad just doesn't grow up and move on.' 'I don't understand why he's so bitter.'
Just in the last comment, it made me realize that he's only hurting himself in the children's eyes. I have tried for 5 years to get him to be cordial and he can't let go.
Anger is such a consuming thing. He has to be exhausted being so hateful.
It's so nice to see you opening up to useful support. It is the purpose of support to find someone with similar struggles, so I do hope that both you and Zen4life will stay connected at this support site. I am so sorry that you ladies are dealing with the backlash of the "damaged" ex. Ladies, keep this in mind: Any moment the ex opens the mouth with spoiled lies, he confesses his own sins. The half-truths are the guys' way of trying to empty the barrel of grievous behavior on each of you. And this really is a forced admission, covering of humility, because these are the offenders, and they are still against you. It indicates that some thing or things you experienced with them in the past still haunts them to tell the truth, only it comes through as pride-ridden lies. They are really not mature enough to confess or admit the wrongs against you. Last to say is that Zin4life sums the problem well, this behavior has got to be sapping the energy out of the soul for them. I pity it.
Best of hugs to each of you...<3