Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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I have been seeing a therapist to help me deal with the greif of loss due to my divorce. Through the process, I have been able to identify the things that I want in a future relationship. I have put together a list of "must haves" of a future companion. I wanted to get some input from others here on DS that have been through loss to see if my list seems unrealistic, about right, or what have you. Here is my list;
* First and foremost, she must genuinely care about me and want to be with me.
* She must respect herself and respect me - mutual respect is critical.
* She must be a good communicator - not afraid to voice her opinions or express concerns. This must extend to verbal intimacy where she is willing to share her deepest emotional thoughts and desires.
* She must be emotionally healthy and capable of sharing her life with someone else.
* She must have a strong character to always choose the right thing to do. (People make mistakes, but people that intentionally make decisions that they know are not the RIGHT decisions are not making mistakes).
* She must be someone that is organized (I'm not a neat freak but I can't stand piles of clutter and chaos throughout the house).
* She must be patient to be able to deal with all of life's setbacks.
* She must be willing to sit down and work through conflicts.
* She must be affectionate - willing to give AND recieve displays of affection.
* She must have self confidence - be able to accept criticism without taking it personally.
* She must be willing to stand by me when times get tough - must be loyal to the relationship.
* She must put a high priority on family and is committed to marriage, home, and family.
* Prefer to have someone that shares at least some of my interests (I'm willing to learn to do new and different things ... but I will not sacrafice the things I enjoy to please her. I don't expect her to give up the things she enjoys either).
* She must be financially responsible.
* She must be willing to explore our sexual desires with understanding.
* Alcohol consumption, drug use, and smoking are deal breakers for me. I can't be married to someone that drinks or smokes ... even socially.
These are all qualities that I stive to achieve myself. I can't expect to find these characteristic in others if I don't exhibit them myself. What do you think?
* First and foremost, she must genuinely care about me and want to be with me.
* She must respect herself and respect me - mutual respect is critical.
* She must be a good communicator - not afraid to voice her opinions or express concerns. This must extend to verbal intimacy where she is willing to share her deepest emotional thoughts and desires.
* She must be emotionally healthy and capable of sharing her life with someone else.
* She must have a strong character to always choose the right thing to do. (People make mistakes, but people that intentionally make decisions that they know are not the RIGHT decisions are not making mistakes).
* She must be someone that is organized (I'm not a neat freak but I can't stand piles of clutter and chaos throughout the house).
* She must be patient to be able to deal with all of life's setbacks.
* She must be willing to sit down and work through conflicts.
* She must be affectionate - willing to give AND recieve displays of affection.
* She must have self confidence - be able to accept criticism without taking it personally.
* She must be willing to stand by me when times get tough - must be loyal to the relationship.
* She must put a high priority on family and is committed to marriage, home, and family.
* Prefer to have someone that shares at least some of my interests (I'm willing to learn to do new and different things ... but I will not sacrafice the things I enjoy to please her. I don't expect her to give up the things she enjoys either).
* She must be financially responsible.
* She must be willing to explore our sexual desires with understanding.
* Alcohol consumption, drug use, and smoking are deal breakers for me. I can't be married to someone that drinks or smokes ... even socially.
These are all qualities that I stive to achieve myself. I can't expect to find these characteristic in others if I don't exhibit them myself. What do you think?
I think that all of these would be on my list if I was to ever compile one. Only exceptions would be:
1. I can live with a little social drinking - smoking I don't like but if it was a very occasional thing and I didn't have to see if I could live with it. (My stbx smoked like that. I didn't love it but it wasn't a deal breaker).Cigars are okay. Drugs - not.
2. The only people I know who live a clutter free live are people who ARE clean freaks. They spend an inordinate amount of time trying to keep things neat and clutter free. Some clutter is part of daily life. But again, what I consider to be normal clutter could be very different from your idea.
3.'Self-confidence to accept criticism without taking it personally.' That depends. Some people feel it's their mission in life to 'correct' everyone else around them. My stbx was like this. Told me he thought it was his 'duty' to point out when other people were doing things in the wrong manner. You can gently give someone feedback when needed on very important things - but it's all in the delivery. Constant criticism will ruin a relationship (any relationship) very quickly. There needs to be an understanding that different people do things in different ways and one is not necessarily better than the other - just different.
I would add I would like someone who sees us as equal partners in all areas of our life together. Cooking, cleaning, financial contribution, house maintenance, travel planning, sex, financial planning to name a few. I don't think it is possible to have a good marriage unless two people are totally on equal footing. Otherwise, you run the risk of turning the marriage into a parent/child, master/slave relationship and those never work.
Good list, Bigguy. I need to do this also.
I don't mind some clutter ... but when you have to step over piles of old mail, magazines, clothes, etc. in order to navigate your bedroom ... or you can't prepare dinner on the kitchen counter because there is a pile of "whatever" in the way, then it is a problem.
I agree in the equal partnership thing. Each partner should contribute to the family. It doesn't have to be equal all the way around (I don't need my spouse to make the same amount of money I do), but I agree in general.
albinoblu - I'm not ready for a serious relationship either, but it has helped me to identify the things that I do want so if I do meet someone that I could possibly get involved with, I am not trying to generate a list then. It becomes easy to tailor a list to make it fit someone we are interested in. Generating it ahead of time prevents it from being influenced by anyone.
seriously, I'm very impressed w/your list and & add'l comments.
I suppose this could be included in the strong character category, but honesty, honesty, honesty would top my list.
big guy- I don't think that you are asking for too much at all. It sounds pretty similar to what I feel that I deserve & what I am willing to give in a relationship. The only difference would be that I don't see a problem with occasional social drinking.
I hope that you find all that you are looking for and more.
Mathew 7:7
Seek...knock...then you shall see and find.
God Bless
Mozart
I made a list like this in the past and found that I had to tweak it quite a bit. I found an article on yahoorelationships and the article was 5 must haves in a relationships. These were musts and would be deal breakers. The article went on to help you define the partner you would like to have.
I do have my must haves and a Christian man who belives in God is utmost important to me.
Good luck in your search.