Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Good evening. I am hoping to find some insight from someone on the issues of moving on and the issues that are a result of doing so. My wife and I are getting a divorce. We worked on our relationship for a couple years after her having an affair and she ultimately gave up trying and said she was done. I asked for a divorce. She agreed and here we are. We’re in a situation where she doesn’t want to be with me and I don’t want to be with her. I’ve come to realize that even through the fight of bitterness and anger I have towards her for the way she treated me. The lack of trust she created. The countless acts of betrayal, that I still harbor feelings for her. It’s an attachment for sure. I do realize that she isn’t good for me or to me. That she doesn’t respect me or care for me the way i want and deserve to be cared for. It’s so confusing to know definitively that she’s not the one for me and that she doesn’t deserve me or the efforts I’ve made all the while I still worry that she’s seeing someone else or continuing to lie to me. It’s confusing to think so confidently about moving on but still worry so much about those things. Does it get easier? Do the attachments disappear quickly? We spent 12 years together. The air of certain seasons remind me of her. There are thousands of songs and hundreds of movies that we shared experiences with. How do you cope with the moments of reflection that inevitably surface. In my most confident moments without her around or in thought, I can be brought to tears or sadness and down right frantic moods of desperation all because of a song, a joke or even spotting an old car we used to have. I know it takes time just as it did to build those memories but how does someone handle it along the way? What have others done to bring peace or solace to those moments? In those moments all i can think to do is contact her and remind her of the moment too. Hoping she’ll share that same moment of nostalgia and see the glimmer of hope i once had for us. I guess i still haven’t come to terms with it yet. Still grieving perhaps. That’s the confusing part...i know it’s not good, or the right thing to do but I’d be willing to endure the worst of the pain I had with her just for a moment of good. How does someone so toxic and destructive to you have such control. How do we as people allow that to happen? I need some insight and opinions.
As far as advice: find a hobby, something you’ve never done- especially not with her. Join a gym/ become a volunteer, or save up to travel to a new & exciting place!! Simple daily tasks may help, like rearranging so your home does not remind you of her. Find some new music/new artist & be open to change!!! Yoga is my outlet and helps me navigate through my life’s many challenges, even current ones which I seem to be stuck on at this very moment. When you’re feeling very anxious or angry: pay close attention to your breath!! It’s such a powerful tool and has the ability to carry us smoothly through our daily stressors!
I hope this is helpful and somewhat comforting to your mind... I am sending you limitless amounts of love & light!! You are a Besutiful Soul!!!!
Generally, it takes 3 years to get over a divorce.
However, you will heal and when you have a new relationship, you will feel so much better about everything, it will all be a distant memory.
I know you miss her now, but when you will meet a woman who makes you feel comfortable , content, cherished, you will ask - how did I stay in that bad relationship for so long ? Why did it have to hurt this much?
I ve been split up from my exh for 9 years now and I ve done so much better not being married to him.
It is so rare to fix a marriage after the affair. I tried and I just couldn’t live with it.
It does get better.
The sooner you do, the sooner you'll feel empowered to change your life for the better and move on. Look at your past and present life pragmatically, realistically. Put all of the emotional and romantic notions away in a box, along with the physical ones - wedding photos and mementos from adventures you two had. Don't you dare open that box until you feel you have the strength to look at it without remorse. That could be months or years. Start to value yourself more. Do things for just you. Take care of you, that's your job, she is not going to take care of you.
I spent a good 8 years coming to terms with the crappy state of my marriage and the fact that he just wasn't going to address it, ever. I kept thinking that one day he'll get it and we'll actually go to counseling and work on us. I so wish that I acted 8 years sooner, I would have avoided years of pain and remorse.
The second he moved out of the house, I feel like I was floating. That was a week and a half after the divorce was granted. I thought I'd need a tether to keep me from floating up into space. That speaks to how much stress and pressure I had living with someone who was so apathetic about everything between us. Life is peaceful now. I don't miss anything about him.
You'll get to a place of peace too, but it takes very serious self discovery and healing.
BUT, You will have to have no contact unless of course you have children. Then only make it about the kids. You see I didn’t do that and tried to have a new relationship but my x kept pulling me in, talking to me, telling me how much he still loved me, BUT he still needs time to figure out what he wanted and to not give up hope for us all the while he was out sleeping with whoever he wanted and lying to them also. In the mean time, I couldn’t have a real honest relationship with this other guy so that ended.
And guess what happened? My x came back and wanted to get remarried. What I always wanted. BUT. Here I am. Going through the same things. He has been lying to me. Still talking, emails to one of the women he was cheating with on me. He still lies, and he walks around like he’s Gods gift to everyone. He says he is trying to make it work, but isn’t doing anything to back it up. We are going to counseling but he’s just going to make himself look good. The last time we went he had the nerve to ask me, how much longer are we going to have to go? So....
I say to you. Don’t folllow my footsteps. I wish I would have just had no contact with him and let him control me and my emotions and feelings. He controlled my life!
So I say I do understand. I wish you the best. It will be a rough road, but you have all of us here that will help you through it.
I am still with him for now. I guess I am still wishing he would just change, but history shows. He isn’t going to. He inherited a large amount of money. Had me quite my job etc so now I have no job, etc. I have to figure out how to do all this without loosing everything.
Shame on these people who don’t know a good person right in front of them. They Karma. But these type of people just seem to keep moving on and getting what they want.
Best of luck to you.