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Missing her

m3chwarrior73
m3chwarrior73
Today is a rough one for me. I've been really positive and up beat for the last few days, and today I am missing her like crazy! She is showing signs of thawing towards me, and we've had some long conversations over the last week. Really communicating, eye to eye, type talks. It was fantastic. We went to dinner after and had a good time. Sunday we lay on the bed with our heads an inch appart, and talked for over an hour. She realizes she needs counseling, but just isn't ready to do it yet. She said she misses me! Said she enjoyed just laying there with her arm in mine, stroking her hair. She sees my changes, and likes them. She givessel off little hints that she might be willing to work on things, but then backs off like she is scared. It's hard to not push when does this, but I hold back. I've been keeping a happy attitude and she's seen that too. Kinda surprised her. I'm not texting her either, only when she initiates. It's been working so far. Thing is I hate playing these games with her. There is nothing that we can't work out if she would just be willing. I hate this midlife crisis crap! And it is making me really miss her and our relationship today. I want to hold her and tell her it will all be ok. I want to tell her we can work it out, and we will be stronger when this is over. I can't though, because I know that would make her hide and runaway again. I am frustrated and kinda down right now. I need to feel her skin, and smell her hair! Damn this sucks!
m3chwarrior73
m3chwarrior73
Sorry for the typos, was typing on my phone and in a rush to get it outm . We are separated right now btw, and I fully believe it's a midlife crisis caused by our lack of communication, and some issues from her childhood. I am changing my behavioursupport that were part of what caused our issues, but with being separated, it's hard to tell what's going on with her. I know she is thinking more, and thinking about things she never used to. She is trying to be more assertive which was one of our problems. She never stood up for herself, and let me know when she was unhappy. She kept it all in until finally she just had enough and left one night. I know there isn't another guy, she isn't the type. It's all just confusion about our marriage, her identity which she supressed, and confusion about our love. It's hidden under so much crap that she's having a hard time seeing it.
m3chwarrior73
m3chwarrior73
She will also be 40 in August, and our daughter is the same age she was when her parents got divorced. Just so much stuff she's dealing with right now.
broken234
broken234
My husband said the same thing....midlife crisis. I believe in them to some degree, but they are still choices. Like your wife, my husband comes from a troubled youth, divorced parents etc. But how much do you take before the crisis hurts you too much. I really tried to stand by my husband, understand what he needed and why he said he needed to leave. Even through his dating and having sex with the OW, I was trying to be the understanding wife. The one that would withstand it all. But the truth is, the midlife crisis that are spouses are going through are simply choices. It become more of an excuse, a scapegoat. My husband would say "I know this is crazy, but I can't help thinking this way" or "I am so afraid of losing you, I don't know whats wrong with me." He blamed his behavior on his "condition" but midlife crisis isn't a condition, it's a choice. I truly hope that you are able to work through this with your wife, you sound like you are very much in love with her. Just be careful not to fall into the false hope trap. My husband gave me and still tries to give me false hope. It hurts and keeps you in a state of misery for too long. Good luck. Stay strong.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
I understand because when I tried to be more assertive it came out looking like aggression. It was because I took aggressive so long and it overstimulated my fight or flight program so I react to aggression in a hostile way. Its about learning bounderies but what to do when someone says your bounderies dont mean crap to me.
lovemaui
lovemaui
Hang in there
m3chwarrior73
m3chwarrior73
I guess I do believe it's a choice up to a certain extent. I mean what do you do if your in a situation for so long that you've had enough? Most people blow up and leave. So I can understand to a point. But at what point do you put ok your big biy/girl pants and start to work on the things that need fixing? I would love for her to be more assertive! The woman I married was kick ass and take names! Not some little wall flower. Now she is showing flashes of that again and it's a beautiful thing to see! Sexy as hell too! I miss that woman!
I don't know, just really missing her today. And it's only been a month so far... but how long does something like this take!? I've never dealt with a situation like this before, and it's confusing as all hell! I get these flashes of the old her, and then she pulls away again. I feel like I'm going just a bit insane trying to keep up with it!
sja
sja
I think you need to keep doing what your doing. Giving her space and go at her own pace. From my point of view, it shows that you truly care about her and respect her needs and wishes. That is going to make you attractive to her. Blame what ever you need to, but the cold, hard facts are it could be midlife crisis, her parents issues or it could just be she changed. We always want to blame something when this happens, but the reality is she made a choice. Maybe she lost herself somewhere between life and being a wife and parent. Maybe things, life became so overwhelming she ran. Maybe she looked at her current life and when she looked 10 years down the road, it scared her. There are a million reasons people change, no one stays the same, life changes people and can feel so lonely. Keep supporting her to find what she is looking for, what she needs. It's unselfish and shows you love her. Do keep your boundaries up, though. Don't be an ass, but don't let her walk all over you, either. It is your responsibility to protect your own heart. Some time apart may be good for both of you.