Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So I had a bit of a meltdown at work tonight. Luckily it was on a night when no one is even sitting in the same row where I am so there was no one around to see me dissolve into tears.
It was just...stupid. He showed up at work with a new, really short kinda 'punk' haircut. And it just hit me hard because he's been looking less and less like the man I love. He seems to be all sharp, hard edges inside with none of easy, relaxed charm and humor he used to live and breathe. Not just towards me, but to everyone.
I was swamped with the most overwhelming urge to apologize to him for holding him back from the lifestyle he so obviously wanted to live. (There are other things too that he's doing now that he never did before, it's just the hair was the final tipping point.) He'd brought up cutting his hair a couple of times, though never with any particular urgency, and when I'd commented that I liked his long hair he always laughed and said okay. He never made it sound like he was disappointed or anything. And now I felt like what if it really was? 'Cause dammit, I wouldn't have cared if he'd shaved his damn head if that's what he really wanted.
After I snapped out of it of course I could see how silly and ludicrous I was being, but in the midst of it I really felt completely guilty, that it was all my fault. Which is so...stupid, because I'm not a mind reader. He was such a consummate actor/liar that he fooled everyone, even his family, that he was completely in love and happy. Until the minute he wasn't.
I guess what I take out of this is that it's just not enough to be honest with your SO. You also need to truthful about exactly what does and does not matter to you. Don't make light of something that does matter to you, don't do your partner the disservice of letting them think that things are okay when they're not. It's just so...cruel to do that to someone, anyone, but especially to someone you supposedly love or at least did love at one point.
It was just...stupid. He showed up at work with a new, really short kinda 'punk' haircut. And it just hit me hard because he's been looking less and less like the man I love. He seems to be all sharp, hard edges inside with none of easy, relaxed charm and humor he used to live and breathe. Not just towards me, but to everyone.
I was swamped with the most overwhelming urge to apologize to him for holding him back from the lifestyle he so obviously wanted to live. (There are other things too that he's doing now that he never did before, it's just the hair was the final tipping point.) He'd brought up cutting his hair a couple of times, though never with any particular urgency, and when I'd commented that I liked his long hair he always laughed and said okay. He never made it sound like he was disappointed or anything. And now I felt like what if it really was? 'Cause dammit, I wouldn't have cared if he'd shaved his damn head if that's what he really wanted.
After I snapped out of it of course I could see how silly and ludicrous I was being, but in the midst of it I really felt completely guilty, that it was all my fault. Which is so...stupid, because I'm not a mind reader. He was such a consummate actor/liar that he fooled everyone, even his family, that he was completely in love and happy. Until the minute he wasn't.
I guess what I take out of this is that it's just not enough to be honest with your SO. You also need to truthful about exactly what does and does not matter to you. Don't make light of something that does matter to you, don't do your partner the disservice of letting them think that things are okay when they're not. It's just so...cruel to do that to someone, anyone, but especially to someone you supposedly love or at least did love at one point.
I had to leave early. Lucky, I have good managers and they understand. On my drive home, I lost it..balling, yelling, punching the steering wheel..I know..real mature. I had to get it out though. It did help. I got McDonalds..(big mistake), went home, ate..and passed out on the couch for 5 hours then slept another 5 in bed. I never sleep that long.
It was like my pressure cooker was at max capacity and ready to burst. It sucks that I was at work when it happened but it was time.
Do you have some kind of outlet? Im not suggesting punching your steering wheel..that only works for us crazies...but we all need to blow off that pressure. It does catch up to us.
And yeah, I think you were overdue on your pressure cooker, it's probably been screaming for release for awhile. I'm glad you got some of it out, even if your poor steering wheel may never be the same. ;)
Outlet? Um.... *looks sheepish* Well. I have been known to put "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park on a loop and headbang and 'dance' to it, if you can call thrashing about 'dancing'. LOL But at least no innocent steering wheels are harmed in the process, and the cat hides when I do it so he's not (much) traumatized either.
My outlet has been Adele. Sometimes I drive for hours singing with her until my voice is hoarse. It's obvious she knows what I'm going through :)
They feel dissatisfied with their life, start an affair and feel excited again. They then make the mistake believing that they are unhappy with their life because of their spouse. In reality, they have to be responsible for their own happiness.
So, wayward spouse leaves, and starts doing everything different. Sometimes, its done just to get a rise out of the spouse. Its like the CS feels that their spouse is the enemy, and to blame for everything, so every minor infraction is another reason for why they left. (mountain made from a molehill) It's a way of justifying the affair. My wife was digging up little crap from 10 yrs earlier when she was explaining why she was unhappy with our marriage.
From what I've seen, the behavior is short lived. The affair gets old. They often find that they are no better off in splitsville. People start to drift back to center again. My ex did I think after several years.
My advice: Take a few pictures of the haircut. Save them away. Then ignore him. In a few months, or years, they might remind you of how he changed in ways that didn't make sense, and there was nothing you could do. (or maybe the pics will be worth a good laugh.)
The ignoring part is hard. Especially if you can see your STBX in a self destructive tail spin. Unfortunately, there is usually nothing you can do.
And sh39... I went ahead and took a couple pictures when he was over this morning. The mid-life crisis angle had certainly occured to me too. I'm conflicted. Part of me still somehow manages to hope that he'll be happy, probably that stupid part of me that thought I should apologise to him. And part of me hopes like crazy that he and his...trash crash and burn in a couple of weeks. Crazy probably being the operative word there. ;p Pfft, they could literally burn for that matter. He's taken up fire-spinning which she had already been doing and I've heard reports that he's very clumsy at it. And no, I don't really want them to damage themselves but oh, that little vindictive streak that wants 'justice' has its fingers crossed. Ugh, how do you reconcile crap like that? :p
Don't be too hard on yourself. You're not the first and you won't be the last to have such wonderfully wicked thoughts.
When my ex left, and said she wasn't happy in our marriage, I told her I hoped she finds what she is looking for. It was the only thing I say that was positive but acknowledged the futility of our situation.
My current favorite quote however is this:
Living well is the best revenge.
-- George Herbert
But worse...Is everytime I try to grocery shop...I burst into tears and have a ball in the car
So many triggers
Here's one I like.
While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die- whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness. - Gilda Radner
Or this one too.
Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. - Danny Kaye