Jazzy from what i read on you, you have
Depression and feel a lot of guilt. I hope
You are in therapy to help you wade thru
All of those issues,

You are young, take care of yourself do not
worry so much about others. You can only
control and fix yourself So that you can do
better and be healthier and Happier from
Within, HUGS

I don't go to therapy I just endure it with silent tears and bottle up my wounds. And I care about others think but I just let it slide and not think about it and fake smile everyday.

Jazzy, Miranda is absolutely right that therapy will very likely help you.

I also used to see a value in pain when it came to love, but there's just none. It's not OK to be in pain, that's just NOT what real love is about, either before, during, or after.

Now, I think this is important: you are at risk of doing things you don't really want to do simply to try and forgive yourself for what you did before. You're at risk of re-establishing a relationship with him (even if only for a few hours) just to either get back at your old self, forgive your old self, move on from your old self, or make sense/validate/justify what your old self did.
I would strongly advice staying away from your ex while you're feeling this way. If you carry on with the meeting, you have to get your most important thoughts about that relation sorted, and separate what the old you did to the old him and vice versa (and how you feel about it) from him as a person today, and of course from you. Don't try to use your present or future to change your past: we simply CANNOT change the past! But that's actually better than it sounds: our past is a book full of lessons that we can use in the present to build a better future, so focus on that :)

That's true but I don't mind if he still hates me it's reality I have to face it and maybe one day just don't care what he says or think and just be who I am be too nice and forgive people like him. Even though it might be stubborn at least it worth start to be friends. It's part of life everyday something new.

Jazzy, you sound in a very dark place please
Seek help, work thru your issues and problems.
Many times guilt and shame can be worked on
and let go of and you can live a normal life, HUGS

I can't seek help it's too late I have to do what I do is best and wear a mask to hide my true-self even thought people may never know what my true self is or when will it appear Ilthey just have to accept it or just walk away. I'm just a girl with scars and regrets that I carry though out my life as a scar.

Many of us have scars we need to pick
Ourselves up and move forward and try
To get Better from the inside out. I know
I have.

Courage is fear that said its prayers, wishing
you courage and strength to reach out for the
help you need. HUGS

Hugs, and no it is not too late, You really need to step back and see things for what they really are not what you wish they would be. I wish that I saw that before I married that ex. There were red flags flying high but I ignored them and spend the next 25 years trying to change myself until one day I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the person in the mirror. You need to go to therapy, there is not shame in that. You deserve to be loved and you should really learn to love and be your own best friend.

That's true but it's who I am I think of others than myself cause I care about them than myself. I just need to keep endure until I find my answer and then let people come into my that I can open up but for now I have to wear a mask and fake smile.

Jazzy, I'm right there with you on the guilt. I don't know what was said or done in your relationship, but the hold your ex has on you sounds like narcissistic abuse. If you tried to please him in any way, and didn't get the response you wanted, then you don't need someone treating you like that. Coming forward and talking to us on here about your pain is a huge step and it helps ease pain. We're all going through the same thing. Focus on you! Take a walk and enjoy some nature. And don't forget about us to lean on!

I know it I don't mind getting hurt or hated it's part of life what happens just is. It may be stubborn but for me it's repaying as a thanks for everything.

Jazzy, I'm not a professional, not even close, but I see in you traits of something called Borderline Personality Disorder. It's not OK to be so depressed and to rejoice in pain and self-harm. It's a problem, not a virtue. Do NOT embrace it! I know because I have some of it myself and it makes my life hell when it gets out of control!
Seek help, your life can be a LOT better! I know you think it's good to be in pain and think that you care more about others than yourself, but it's not true, you actually care about being in pain and letting people know that you're in pain, either for them or not. It is not fair to them, and it is not fair to you.
You must seek help, you can come out of this imaginary hell you put yourself through every day!

Like I said before what happens just is and I will get help or seek help when I figure things out by myself first then go for help.

i dont know why relationships have become so weak, even they are considered like weather.. ,,may be we have lot of choices or media impacts ... lucky are people who ignores everything and remain stick with their old relations ...

I fully understand how you feel, Jazzy. I don't want to antagonize or patronize you. I simply suggest that you think about these traits as something that's not really part of you and that can be corrected. If you want to do this yourself, that's absolutely fine too, but the first step is to accept that they are not really part of you, they come from childhood issues, unresolved grief, bad examples, misunderstood religion, and other external sources. That need to hurt oneself or let oneself be hurt by others as if that meant one is more pure, more intense, more real, more caring, or more loving, is simply false. Love is not pain, and it does not require validation through suffering.
I am speaking from my own experience here, and trust me, I have suffered for "love" (thing is, it wasn't really love! It was vanity, immaturity, and those other issues I mentioned above)