Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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returnofthemack 01/02/2018

My ex texted me again last night wishing me a Happy New year. That is 3 times within the 2 weeks since I ended it with him that hes reached out. I responded this morning letting him know that he needs to stop reaching out to me unless he is willing to address what happened between us. He made sure to call me out for being the one to end it and hes just going along with it. His reasoning for still texting me is that I am important to him so its important we stay friends...oh and also since were in our 30s that means we should be able to be cordial and still wish each other Merry Christmas, Happy NY and Birthday. Wow, I see it so differently. If I was important to him he would be willing to give up the drugs, but he still sees that as me asking him to give up his whole social life and control him. I've never asked him to give up his friends, just be able to hang out and not do it, since he claims he isnt addicted. He still holds true that he wants a relationship with me. He also still says he wants to be able to do cocaine without hearing about it from me. I just dont see why he keeps telling me he wants to be with me when its clear he doesn't. Is this all a game?

We set up a time to talk tomorrow. I just want him to understand the reasons I ended it are not because I dont care about him but because he wasnt treating me right and he solely wants a relationship on his terms. He wonders why all his relationships are so short but seems to not be able to see why. I know its not my job to fix him and it feels like I am beating a dead horse at this point I just dont know why I cant just give it up. By him consistently reaching out he is making it so I cant move on. I feel like each time it sets me back. How do I go about this?

Cora_Belle 01/02/2018

Is this all a game? Of course it is! And you play along so well. He is getting a perverse sense of pleasure playing you like a yo-yo. The only way to win is to quit playing.

You are right - you a beating a dead horse. You can either continue beating and beating and beating until you have completely spent yourself or you can look at the corpse, realize it is starting to stink and walk away.

You "go about this" by contacting him to let him you know you won't be meeting him. Then you go NO CONTACT. You do not respond to him AT ALL. The adage "if you ignore him long enough, he will quit bothering you" works as well on kid brothers as well as on grown ass adult men.

Lilly1978 01/02/2018

We through the same thing and ended up in a divorce from my side. An addict to cocaine is a liar and a manipulative individual. You are the most important thing. If hes not willing to make a real life change the he should stay as an ex and no contact.

heartache5 01/02/2018

He's addicted especially if he denies he is. It's clear he won't give up the drugs for you. So good on you that you don't want to be with soneone that dies drugs but yes stop beating the dead horse. You can't stop him from using drugs he needs to want to stop. Otherwise he will just hide it better. Don't give in on your morals. The guy is playing you. I'm sure you were clear when you broke up but if not maybe sent him a letter bit don't go meet him. You can't be friends with an ex after this kind of brake up. He didn't want to brake up so he can't suddenly be friends and neither can you it takes time to get over a break up before a friendship is possible. Just don't reply to his texts. New Year is done so no more read on for him to text you. Don't fool urself you will give up drugs for you addicts only give up drugs if they hit their rock bottom. If you ask him to not do it he will just hide it. On top of that drug addicts are born liers and often cheaters. Stay away from him now you made the step to break up. Good for you you can do much better

Goffrey 01/03/2018

If cocaine is the major issue I don't see how you're confused. He's not going to quit for you. He defends his right to use it, and that's a sign that he's not anywhere near quitting. If this bothers you, it should be a complete deal breaker. There should be zero contact if he contacts you, you ignore it. I cannot understand how there can be any wishy washy feelings or behavior from your end. You can't be with an addict, he can't give up Coke, seems extremely straight forward. Time to make a clean break, you're playing Russian roulette just keeping him in your life like this. Addicts aren't trustable and aren't able to love in the way a non user is capable or needs. Let him find a junkie to be with, you go find yourself and ask yourself why this issue was difficult at all.

11Christmases 01/03/2018

Addicts are very manipulative. That is why he wants to meet you. Not to listen to what you have to say, but to get you to be his mistress while he stays "married" to the drugs. Because drugs will always be the priority that you will have to arrange your life with him around.

I know you're not going to listen to everyone's advice to go no-contact, so at least be careful and don't let him into your car or home. He will have coke on him and could get you into trouble too if you get caught.

heartache5 01/03/2018

And be prepared for the "I'm sorry, I miss you so much, I can't do without you" lie he will try on you.
Staying friends with an ex right after break up is usually only going to result in a battle who meets soneone else first yo make the other jealous.

returnofthemack 01/03/2018

Thanks everyone for your replys. I do not expect him to beg for me back in fact I think he thinks I am going to beg for him back as he is completely full of himself. It is more for me to tell him how he's made me feel to get a piece of mind. I don't want him back because I am disgusted by his behavior and treatment.

I think what I struggle with is that I think I am blowing this out of proportion. I lost trust in him these last few weeks because I was told drugs were every once in a while at festivals and then he went and did them 3 weekends in a row. He still says that I cannot judge him off of December because there were a lot of events going on as in parties/concerts. He's told me before that I am naïve to think that people around me don't do drugs regularly even friends of mine as if I am outside some secret circle I don't know about. I know more people do drugs than I know of but why am I feeling like I am making too big of a deal of this?

jojored 01/03/2018

You feel like you're making too big a deal because you are listening to someone who's values are way different than you own.

Answer this question: do you want to be involved with someone who uses cocaine?

You've already answered NO, so forget about what he's saying to you about how much other people use, about you being naive, about you being judgmental. The bottom line is that you don't want to be with a drug user. Love and honor yourself to enforce this basic principal,of yours. You need to answer to yourself and your own values - only yours, not his. And you don't need to explain your values to him either.

11Christmases 01/03/2018

Drug users always exaggerate everyone else's use and minimize their own.

You're not making a big deal. It will make more sense after you stop communicating with him for some time. He's trying to confuse and manipulate you.

jojored 01/03/2018

Exactly as 11christmases is saying.

heartache5 01/03/2018

Vety much agree. He minimizes his drug use with excuses "it was December celebration month" "everyone does it" not everyone does it. Yes maybe the people around him cause that's probably how he got in it. He doesn't see a problem even though everyone knows tgat doing cocaine is or will be an addiction its nit just smoking a joint occadiobally this is hard drugs.
You are not blowing this up at all. Doing drugs is a big deal it's addictive. It's behaviour altering. No Good things to come from using drugs so for sure stick with your point.
I'm concerned as to what you will get out if this conversation with him. He won't understand your feelings or your point if view because he doesn't see the problem. Good luck. Be direct and strict don't let him blow you over with his minimizing

returnofthemack 01/03/2018

I didnt go, I texted him prior and let him know I didn't think it would do any good. I told him how I felt and his response was just worrying about if I am still going to give him the cold shoulder around the gym. He brought it up 3 times that all HE needs is for me to be cordial and friendly to him and then he would be happy. Not one mention about my feelings. I am glad I was spared from talking to a brick wall.

heartache5 01/04/2018

Yes tgat shows you why you left. He seems pretty selfish. Those kind of people won't understand other people's feelings. You did the right thing. As long as he dies drugs he's not a type of friend you would want to hang out with as friends either anyway. Do smd behave the wsy you want not tge wsy he asks you too. Good for you for standing up for ur morals and believes!

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