Intellectually, I get what I need to do. And grieving is necessary and natural. But I take it to a level that’s so far from reasonable. It can feel like Im not going to survive. It sounds so dramatic. I mean, people do die of broken hearts, there are studies, there are legitimate documented cases. But, for my emotional make -up, the burners are on full power. It’s like it takes over me. I isolate. I obsess. I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s only complete submission into the deep depths of heartache. Why must there be only this option for me? I don’t want to be a pitiful mess , unable to move from this self-induced quicksand. I’m all for participating in my life, facing each challenge head on. I don’t want a watered down version of my life. I want to experience life on life’s terms. But why do I fall into the category of being ill-equipped, unable to thrive, incapable of moving forward, seemingly frozen in place. I don’t see a new life unfolding for me. And it’s been 15 months. How does that happen? My husband has moved on. He’s having the time of his life. But he’s also not homeless, grieving his in-law family of 28 yrs, grieving the loss of his marriage, although, we aren’t divorced. See. I haven’t done anything about those details. He abandoned me quite by surprise. It was awful. The blatant disregard is unimaginable. Never. Never could I ever have imagined anything like this ending of our story. Why am I still hung up on him? He behaves inhuman toward me. He stole cash from me. He refuses to split any money according to ca law. He says he doesn’t follow rules and is not about to start. Isn’t that a bully statement? He he supports the phone and auto ins. That’s it. And this is the second time he has abandoned me literally leaving me in the cold, no obligation to me whatsoever, no conviction keeping him in line, no one keeping him accountable. He gets to do exactly as he chooses. He doesn’t deal with overdrawn bank. He has been comfortable inside, with his Mom, living rent-free. It’s unconscionable what he had done to me. He says I am not permitted to go to his Moms house ever! I have known only one home and that’s my mother in-laws home for 28 yrs. And it’s gone. Ugh! It’s so time consuming. I detest it so much. There are other things to be concerned with, but this is all encompassing. Everyday.  This is on my mind. I can’t be free from it. How can he ? He doesn’t miss me? He never looked me? Does this mean my entire life with him was all a lie? Jesus. I am devastated if I can’t reconcile my entire marriage as being real.  That means none of what I believed to be true was real? Its all I’ve I’ve known. I don’t have family. I don’t have a safety net. He ran from me saving himself and leaving me to die. That’s how it happened. It’s been an ongoing nightmare. I can’t get passed this. Help me. I am so lost. I am without a identity. How do I start to create a life? I’ll be 55 on the 29th. So what.