i have not been in your shoes,

I respect your efforts to speak with your wife and try to address the issues in your marriag

I can't understand her position to stick her head in the sand

I am not an advocate of divorce without trying to reconcile, however it takes two people to address reconciliation and I feel for you and you discontent

if you are serious about divorce due to your level of discontent, I think you need to make one last major effort to open your wife's eyes to the state of things

if she chooses to put her head in the sand, I think that you have ethically done all that you could of

I would respect your choice of divorce

Thank you for your reply Refurb, I really appreciate your support.! I just want so bad for there to be some other solution or for someone to have some "magic" words that would make things work out.

I too am struggling in a marriage of 21 years. My husband is a bully and is miserable "because of me". I have been in marriage counseling consistently by myself for 2.5 years. Our youngest is 10 with two others in high school. I am on medication trying to deal with the stress. He wants out, but I am trying to keep our "family" together for the sake of our kids. I have my immediate family and lots of friends for support. However, I understand what you are saying about the sick feeling and not wanting to go home. It has taken me a long time to realize that I need to get out of this and quit feeling guilty because of it. I love my husband, but he is not the person I married. I don't know about your situation, but mine includes alcoholism. The situation for me keeps getting worse no matter what I do. I feel your pain!

Thank you also Ohiomomofthree. I guess I can call my wife a "verbal" bully. She tells me I am not going anywhere, that a divorce is out of the question....but she is not willing to talk to anyone or make any changes. I know I am not doing things right either, but she just thinks she is right with everything and I just don't know what to do or how to handle it anymore? We both want it to work out, but I feel I am the only one who is trying or wants us "both" to go get help. There is no alcoholism and no affairs involved, although there is nothing "simple" about it, we are simply not seeing eye to eye and the resentment towards each other is overbearing. I'm not sure either of us can let things go, we both would like to, but easier said than done and with her not willing to seek help, I just don't know what the right thing to do is? It's just such a sick, hopeless alone feeling. Good luck to you Ohiomomofthree.....thanks for sharing your situation!

You need to get down to what exactly the problems are and then see what can be done. I know it's really difficult to communicate when things have been strained for so long.

Would both of you writing down what you want to be in the marriage, thst is missing now. For example, more intimacy, more time together , like going for date nights or perhaps participating in a hobby together.

If you don't think she'll be receptive to this, I advuce a couple of things. Start being positive and if there are things she's previously complained about, try making some changes. It could be helping out a bit more with the chores, maybe try doing nice things for her, like buying flowers , taking her out for a meal or to the movies/theatre or whatever.

For a while my marriage was just okay. No arguments , but not what I wanted it to be. I had a lot of resentment and he didn't understand it. I started being nicer, making my husband feel appreciated and trying to make our lives fun. I worked really hard at this and his attitude changed as well. He was nicer to me, we began to get a lot closer and I opened up to him about the areas we had problems that I felt I'd contributed to.

I found myself giving a lot and sometimes it was like I did 5 good things, before I got 1 bsck in return. But I was patient and I made the decision to myself to keep trying , because it just wasn't the marriage is dreamed off.

It's hard for someone not to be nice to you, if you are being nice to them. One of us had to make a change. We are both so much happier now.

Now if you make changes and she doesn't respond, after let's say 6 months, then you can know you did everything in your power, but she didn't and you can't do it alone. At the end of the day, you don't need her consent to divorce. It will take longer, but you can do it.

My colleague said he discussed similar problems with his wife , but she didn't make any changes. After about 3 years, he was done. She would also say there would not be a divorce, but he moved out and filed for divorce after the required separation.

She claimed to be blindsided with the divorce, but he had said he wasn't happy for years. He's now happily remarried. Truth is, she didn't think he'd leave because of the kids.

Good luck

Maybe you should tell your wife you're out of the marriage if she won't attend counseling with you. If she still refuses, wait until the seventeen year old is off to college and leave. It seems that she would go to counseling if given an ultimatum, since she's adamantly opposed to divorce. It's worth a try.

Thank you for your reply Moniren! I will try some of your advise about trying to be nice and do nice things. This will be difficult, but I will try. We are both at a point where we just explode at each (when no one is around). I don't hate her (I still love her), I just hate the situation we are in and that we cannot get out of it. Her issue's are that I have caused insecurity in our marriage, I have risked the "family" all for my own feelings....and this is what she focuses on. I will tell her she is right "but" here are the issues that make me question our marriage.....and then the words start to fly. She will tell me time and time again that there is no "but", there is no "divorce". It seems anytime we are alone she starts in on all the damage I have done with bringing up a divorce. This weekend I told her if she came to me and said she wanted a divorce I would ask her why, and what could I do to try and make things work. When I tell here maybe we should divorce, it just infuriates her, and then I go off the deep end. Twice this weekend it was so heated that I tried to leave the bedroom, but she will stand in front of the door and push be back....she will not even allow me to leave for us both to calm down! And I am afraid to physically move her away from the door....I would have to push, shove, or grab her to move her out of the way....and then I feel this is getting into a gray area for abuse, but what can I do? About 5 years ago we had a situation like this and I packed a bag to leave for the night so we could both calm down and she would not let me leave the house...I called 911 and the police came and told her she had to let me go. And of course this comes back in my face all the time, but yet she cannot agree and say that yes if things get to a point, a cooling off time is ok....it's just always my fault. I wish it would never have got to that point, but I tell her it takes two. So it was another sleepless, stressful weekend. It's sad, I see all these posts about husbands or wives leaving / saying they are done, and I'm in a totally different boat, my wife is saying there is no way in hell I am leaving for my kids sake and for her and I and what we have created together, so in a way, I am lucky, but I'm just so frustrated with where we are at in our relationship and she is so sure she is correct and I am wrong and even a counselor would say the same thing so she will not waste her time. I'll try to do as suggested and do some nice things, I just don't know when enough is enough or if I should do as she said and "man up" and just stick things out...but that means basically not having a voice or feelings! I'm not going to do anything stupid, but sometimes I just wish I wasn't here anymore....it sounds like a lot of us have those feelings. But I know, one way or another, this to will pass with time....it's just that until that time, it hurts so bad.

OMG! There's NO WAY a decent counselor would agree with your wife and dismiss your feelings about the matter, especially based on her behavior. Wow, blocking the door? The two of you have had some very heated exchanges- you definitely need counseling. I really hope that something will work out for you.

Thank you Introvert61. You are right. When my 17 year old graduates high school and is off to college, that might change things and yes I could give her the ultimatum about counseling. My fear is what if she still says "no"? Somehow I need to figure out what to do....because from one aspect my wife is right....we go in and out of years not knowing if our marriage will last.

sdjo, you can divorce your wife without her permission. If she won't go to counseling, you've done your best. Your marriage sounds completely miserable right now. I would much rather be single than fighting all the time, wouldn't you?

Hey,

I think her asking to heal things around asking for a divorce is not possible. In order for you both to heal and move on there cannot be any stipulations like that.

"If you do this then I will do that" fails to get to the root problem and perpetuates the resentment.

In my opinion you both need to see a good counsellor asap!

If she won't budge on these then I think you need to decide what is a negotiable and what isn't. I think you already have, so you need to make a decision.

As for bringing up divorce... NEVER EVER bring that up unless that is what you are really planning on doing and are ready to do so. It's a hurtful threat and will not get you anywhere. There are far better ways to get your issues out without using the D word.

Let's be clear here.....you don't need her permission to divorce. She can drag it out, but only for a certain amount of time.

It must be difficult dealing with her blocking the doorway. Next time you want to leave and she blocks the doorway, tell her you will call the police again if she doesn't move. Don't ever touch her to move or you could have DV charges filed.

She sounds very controlling, I can't imagine doing thst at all.

Maybe go out for dinner and start with 'I love you', I really want us to have a better marriage, I want you to be happy and I want to be happy as well. I'd like us to be able to get along and communicate with each other. Explain that you don't want the constant arguing any more.

When she says she needs to heal from you bringing up divorce, how does she intend to heal? She isn't going to counselling , but I think you'd both benefit from marriage counselling now.

Are you still close enough that you're physical relationship is ongoing?

Another helpful thing would be to also try and do what you can to relax and unwind for yourself. Like a sport or see where you might socialise with friends now and again. Just try and take some of the stress out if your life.

sdjo, I'm so sorry your going through this. I'm going to go out on a limb here and contradict a few people's opinions. But please know that this is just my humble and honest opinion - and I support you no matter what path you choose. My Opinion: I don't think your marriage is going to make it, no matter what either of you do.

Her behavior sounds covert-aggressive - and those are the behaviors/tools used by manipulators (not partners in a loving marriage). Check out the book In Sheep's Clothing by George Simon to learn more.

Also, you describe what happens when you both argue - specifically, the escalation of intensity. In John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he calls that 'flooding'. John Gottman is a Phd and researcher, famous for being able to predict with >90% accuracy whether a couple's marriage will fail. In his studies, they hooked couples up to biometric monitors, left them alone and initiated a small quarrel. Those couples whose bodies tolerated the fighting reasonably well had salvageable marriages. Those whose breathing, stress hormones, heart rate, and blood pressure quickly escalated (i.e. flooding), almost always ended up in divorce.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not 'pro-divorce'. I stayed for 25 years in a toxic marriage and I thought I was staying for my values. I too tried to be nicer and do more for him - always with very little in return. I finally initiated the divorce and could not be happier with my decision - even through the nasty process of divorce.

Your age is the third reason. I think you should start doing some serious research on divorce and begin planning. Interview some attorneys - to prepare your expectations. If you're wife hasn't worked (or if you're the primary breadwinner), you're in for a harsh reality that after 25 years you're going to have to pay her a lot and for a very long time. In your state the Jeff Passolt divorce case a few years ago set a new precedence and so now an able-bodied spouse has to go to work (but the closer they come to mid-50's, the less likely that is and they may never have to work and support themselves). The clock is ticking.

And one other piece of advice. Next time you argue, keep your phone with you and make sure you have a voice recorder app. Turn it on and gather proof of things like her blocking your way from leaving. That's physical abuse and you could end up getting a protection order from her - you just might need it (or it could help you defend against one from her if she ever pushes you so far that you have to touch her to move her out of the way).

Good luck and I hope something happens to help your relationship turn the corner - one way or the other.