Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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I am wondering how many of you have done marriage counseling/couples or family therapy.
My first ex and I went into it after about 20 years together. Things were derailing and I had to drag him to it. She made us work hard at it.
We did the Meyers-Briggs and some family history stuff to start with.
Determined that he and I were as polar opposite as two people could be. (No surprise there). It got heated in that office. I will never forget the day he jumped up off the couch and started yelling at me and saying ugly things. The counselor jumped out of her chair and told him "sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up now". I could not have been more stunned or happy at that moment. We did everything she said to do. Once a week we would have the kids stay with my parents and just focus on US. We'd go out to dinner, talk but by the end of the evening he was berating me constantly. She suggested we continue to have sex, even if it was angry sex. That did not work out so well. In the end her recommendation was the we end the marriage as it was so toxic and that it was hurting the kids. We brought the kids in for counseling and called it done.
He has since remarried and is very happy with that. He has had a crap year or two because of his job situation and I have come to his support over that because he got screwed badly. We are on very good terms now.
Current spouse and I went to counseling and it was an epic fail. And that is to some degree on both of us. Not willing to do the work as hard as we needed to and the counselor did not hold us to it. It Is Hard Work.
I did get some good reading recommendations from it and I did the reading. (He did not). I am going to post a list of books if anyone is interested. Books that have helped me over the years.
My first ex and I went into it after about 20 years together. Things were derailing and I had to drag him to it. She made us work hard at it.
We did the Meyers-Briggs and some family history stuff to start with.
Determined that he and I were as polar opposite as two people could be. (No surprise there). It got heated in that office. I will never forget the day he jumped up off the couch and started yelling at me and saying ugly things. The counselor jumped out of her chair and told him "sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up now". I could not have been more stunned or happy at that moment. We did everything she said to do. Once a week we would have the kids stay with my parents and just focus on US. We'd go out to dinner, talk but by the end of the evening he was berating me constantly. She suggested we continue to have sex, even if it was angry sex. That did not work out so well. In the end her recommendation was the we end the marriage as it was so toxic and that it was hurting the kids. We brought the kids in for counseling and called it done.
He has since remarried and is very happy with that. He has had a crap year or two because of his job situation and I have come to his support over that because he got screwed badly. We are on very good terms now.
Current spouse and I went to counseling and it was an epic fail. And that is to some degree on both of us. Not willing to do the work as hard as we needed to and the counselor did not hold us to it. It Is Hard Work.
I did get some good reading recommendations from it and I did the reading. (He did not). I am going to post a list of books if anyone is interested. Books that have helped me over the years.
if anything, it was making our relationship worse because it was stirring up bad memories and feelings without giving us any ideas on how to resolve those issues. I left crying every time and we both left angry.
I went into counseling with a very low expectations of it's benefits and my husband came out of the situation with very negative feelings towards it. He now thinks it is a waste of time when he was the one that pushed it last year.
We started a new counselor before the shit really hit the fan a few months ago. We only attended a few times before my husband's work schedule got too demanding for us to continue going. I did have a little bit higher hopes for this counselor because he is a published author on relationships, has his PhD, specializes in Marriage Crisis, and still publishes articles (therefore i know he keeps up with current literature).
I did NOT like his personality very much and that was a stark difference from the other lady. I was willing to give him a try.
I recently read His Needs, Her Needs and while it seemed a little sexist, it made a lot of sense. I really recommend it.
When going to therapy, both parties have to want for the marriage to work and have to be open to what the therapist recommends. If it is a one sided effort (like mine was) then it will fail.
However, I am in therapy now to deal with my divorce. It has been very helpful and I also have my youngest son in his own separate sessions. We are both are coping with this situation a lot better due to seeking additional help from a professional.