Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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returnofthemack 06/15/2017

So its been about 5 weeks post breakup for me. Today i got a text from my roommate asking whose box of stuff and bicycle were on the front porch when she got home from work. Obviously it was mine that I had been waiting on from my ex. I thought he would at least let me know when he was bringing it or coordinating a time to bring it by but he decided to return it all this morning without warning (including a small gift I had gotten him, guess he didnt really want it) so it was on my porch all day. It sent me immediately into a frenzy and I have been crying uncontrollably for an hour. How can he just be so disrecpectful to me? How can he not have the decency to be cordial and send a text letting me know it was there? So then, I immediately, finally send him a text giving him a piece of my mind, something I have been holding off on doing for weeks now. Of course, no response. I feel sick that this person just a few months ago treated me as if I was the most important person to him and now it seems as if he is TRYING to make me see how little I mean to him. I was doing so well this week. Even yesterday was the first day I hadn't cried and now I am back to crying like I was weeks ago.

What confuses me is the way he was when he broke up with me was so the opposite as how I am being treated now. How he said I love you and youre amazing, we had a great relationship, and hugged and kissed my forehead as we parted ways. Was he just trying to be the good guy in that moment hoping I wouldn't hate him? Because the person I have been dealing with the last 5 weeks is not someone who said that.

Anonymous112211 06/15/2017

I literally spoke to a friend about expectations today. What my friend said makes sense. We can not expect someone to treat us the way we expect them to. Placing our expectations on them, will only create heart ache for us. Because they will never live up to what we want or hope or dream they will do.

AAABJ 06/15/2017

I will have to agree with anonymous. As heartbreaking as it might be, sometimes people change. And the person that they once were no longer exists. Not sure exactly how people can change so drastically, but I guess it is possible. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about it., and all we can do is try to more forward and realize that there something better for us.

sjs777 06/16/2017

the challenge is always to shift focus to ourselves and figuring out the departing spouse only takes us down. theres a time for that, but not while you're still in pain. healing is a process and set back do happen, stay strong

Dandelion 06/16/2017

This sounds like a huge control thing to me. Even if not consciously.

You want to be able to control this situation and you can't and it's very upsetting because he's walked away.

It's hard when we realize we have NO control over others, and if we then seek out those we know we CAN control we end up in an unhealthy relationship.

Very unhealthy and codependent.

Have you looked into that at all? Might provide some insights.

returnofthemack 06/16/2017

bridgie101 I see where you are coming from. I guess I am just really confused how someone just becomes a diff person overnight like that. I have been in several relationships and not ONE ended like this. Even ones that didn't end mutually there was communication after, even my last relationship before this had closure and the communication just fizzled. But the way this guy has has treated me since he broke up is as if the relationship never happened. I am dead to him and I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't really expect to see him but I did expect some sort of decency from him considering the relationship I thought we had. Not to mention the bike he dumped in my yard was $500 and he could have thought to put it in my backyard, Not in my front yard for someone to steal. In the area we live, he should know better and honestly should have cared more.

returnofthemack 06/16/2017

Dandelion, my therapist had basically pointed out that I tend to choose men who are narcisists so the relationship always becomes about them. And since he has pointed out I have become very sensitive to everything about this ex that he did in the relationship including yesterday. I always date men who try to control the relationship and I am left with no control which leaves me feeling helpless.

yougotthis 06/16/2017

So sorry to hear of your breakup. I think at times some people will do anything to avoid confrontation. (me included) It's easier to not deal with it. It's so difficult when a person that you thought that you knew and wanted to spend your life with can change so rapidly. I don't think that people lie intentionally. He probably does have deep feelings for you and loves you. Some aren't ready for a deep meaningful relationship and find themselves in one. He may be feeling bad that he treated you this way but if he doesn't see or hear repercussions, he feels better. What we don't know won't hurt us. (supposedly)

The crying will subside soon. I'm confident you will rise above this relationship. I cried endlessly with my breakup. It's hard to not take it personally. It is ON HIM! He may look back at your time together and be sorry that he let you get away. Right now, he's being selfish. He's not for you. You can do better. You've probably heard it all but trust what people tell you.

Good luck. Hang in there. There are plenty of good/decent men for you to choose from. Right now, find yourself and love yourself. Once you can be comfortable again on your own, a man will see that and you will be irresistible.

careyon1 06/16/2017

Believe it or not he may actually be respecting your feelings. I'm sure he is aware that you may be struggling with adjusting. To see him or hear from him will create a setbacks for you(which it apparently did) Spend less time focusing on the breakup and more time focusing on yourself, God, your lessons from the relationship, family, things that make you happy. We've all been there, but it's tougher when you try to hold on to what's gone. Praying God comforts and strengthens you during this time.

returnofthemack 06/16/2017

careyon1 Even if he is respecting my feelings why cant someone just say they aren't comfortable talking at this time rather than ignore. I think I am having such a hard time moving on for this reason. I feel out of control, not myself and for the first time in a break up I have felt feelings of rage towards someone like I want him to hurt as bad as I am. It is a very hard relationship to let go of. I don't know how to get past the point of worrying about HIM rather than myself. It's been 5 weeks of self torture. I try, I do my hobbies, see friends almost every day but the second I have a moment to think I sink back into the self destructive thoughts.

livefit 06/16/2017

I went through something similar.. My ex and I went on a lot of adventures while we together and she was the one who always took most of the pictures. When we broke up it was very mature and even had a post breakup dinner the same night. I gave her all her stuff as well as any pictures I had while we were together just in case she wanted them. I was hoping to get the same respect back. Lets just say it was a long drawn out process to get the pictures she took while we were together. The pictures I received were few based on how many were actually taken while we were out on our travels. Also most of the pictures of us I received were us together? This honestly did upset me. I know where your coming from. That being said we just don't know what was going through their minds when they did or acted in that manner. The truth is they are no longer in our lives. We are probably better off to have known them. We can only do whats best for us because our ex's won't. I'm proud of how I handled the post breakup. Don't let their actions bring you down to their level.

mirandac 06/16/2017

I did the best i could at the time and acted as
Maturely as possible during the breakup and
Divorce.

It still all hurt, if someone wants out and if They
have someone new waiting for them there is No
stopping or changing them.

Its a done deal its Over so Move on and let go as
best as You can and Keep trying to detach from
Them And stay no contact as much as possible.

Your codependency issues are yours to face and
Deal with and they should be healed or you might
Just Find yourself another narc, addict or bad guy
with a different Hat on. That is their target group a
Codependent. HUGS

LetItBe 06/16/2017

He is attempting to avoid. He does not want to deal with the tears. He may even be afraid of coming back. He may be seeing someone else, but does not want to confess that. Avoidance seems to be the main thing I'm reading into all this. Do yourself a favor and maintain your dignity. You will keep reaching out to him (even pretending that it is anger, one more question, etc) hoping for another answer. The answer will be the same. No answer is horrible because it leaves you a jumble of horrible nerves waiting. Make a no contact rule. Have a friend you can contact instead of him. Try to learn how to meditate. This is like going through withdrawal from a drug. Get support. Read the book The Journey From Abandonment to Healing. It will really help & give you some techniques to help through the stages. Do not belittle yourself. You will kick yourself later, adds to the pain, and does no good. I am thinking of you. My heart breaks for you. Hold your head up & live!

Shaynuh 06/17/2017

Because sometimes, to initiate or even reply to a text or other form of communication, can open up a whole can of worms, that honestly some people don't feel like dealing with, especially an ex that wants to move on from you. Would a simple reply from him been all you needed, or would you have responded back to that, and waited for another response from him? Generally after a breakup, even the smallest amount of communication is not enough. We want more, more that they are not willing to give...clearly, because you two are not together anymore.
He may have been caring and acting sweet towards you when you both parted ways, but that doesn't mean he will be that way any time you, even slightly, cross paths from here on out. You can't keep putting your expectations on him. He isn't going to give you what you want. And furthermore, it is doing you no good trying to figure out why he acted the way he did, why he didn't respond to you, etc.
He is moving on, because life always goes on no matter what happens, which is one reason why he didn't contact you about your things and he didn't respond to your text. Also, maybe he is a jerk and was showing a lack of respect by just dumping off your things. But only he really knows his own motivations and feelings. Regardless, his behaviors are not a direct reflection of you and your self-worth. If he treats you like you're dead to him, that is not because you've done something to deserve it or that you aren't worthy of him. That's just him and how he chooses to handle things. You are always worthy, and he just wasn't the one for you.

Alovetolast 06/17/2017

This will sound mean, but I have to ask... What's your real motive? Why you want him to text or call you before he drop off your things? I think you have to honest to yourself when you answer that question. If it's really about respect, is that still expected of him based on how he's treating you?

If you're doing a no contact, I feel that what he did is a good thing. He not only drop off your things, but help you unknowingly by not contacting you. Just putting things on the different perspective.

returnofthemack 06/18/2017

Alovetolast...we did not ever establish a no contact policy. I had texted him a few times previously and he will respond to me, but anything about the relationship like me asking him if I can meet with him goes ignored. It confuses me. Same goes for the other day when I asked him how he can just drop my stuff off without coordinating with me his response " I had a free moment so I dropped it off, didn't think you'd mind" I feel like I have been communicating with a robot and was hoping that when he dropped things off it would show me that he's a human with respect and I meant something to him but it showed me even more what a piece of shit he is. I guess I handle things way differently. I have always communicated with exes after a breakup, never ignored them. I've always met with them and had a closure talk and answered any questions they had.

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