I got through the weekend. Saturday was his birthday. It was the first special occasion we didn't spend together. It was hard. I missed him a lot and I spent the better half of the day crying. I really did want to wish him a happy birthday, I just couldn't handle I was no longer part of that happiness. I didnt reach out to him but that's all I thought about doing. I ended up going out that night with a friend to get my mind off of things and I ended up having a good time, so I guess I really can't complain there. He ended up calling me at 230 in the morning Saturday night. I didn't see it until the am, so I texted him asking if he was okay- he said yeah I'm ok butt dial. I didn't go any further than that. I haven't really spoken to him so it probably wasn't a butt dial seeing as I wouldn't be coming up on his recent call log, but I guess I won't really ever know, so no point on focusing on it. I meet with my lawyer tomorrow. I'm extremely anxious. I want to try and get thing filed so I can try and move on with my life. I know it isn't something I can even emotionally handle, but a part of me really wishes we could be friends. It's scary to imagine a future without him in it. I know our romantic life is over but the friendship is the harder part to get over. Despite our problems, we talked every day, lived together, had a life together. I almost want to ask him if he'd want to get together and just talk before the divorce is finalized. Not about the romantic us but something just so when all this is over there is closure, or that I won't just have this bad taste in my mouth because of the divorce. We don't have children so there is a big possibility that when its all over, we won't have any reason to talk to each other. We probably won't talk to each other either. We didn't work out as a couple but we went from being best friends to not talking in 1 day. I guess the loneliness is part of it. Nobody checking in to see how you are or just saying hello. That's one of the really hard parts. Going from a couple to a single. I think I am getting better, at least my version of better. I'm still sad, still confused, still hurt, but I have no choice but to accept it.
Ill be glad to see orthopedic doctor on my shoulder on Monday and maybe he can tell me what is going on with neck. Already had the surgery on neck last year so I'm not wanting any repeat on that but some symptoms have returned but only if I'm doing a big job. This morning I cleaned in the garage prior to starting to get some packing started. It was enough extra to have neck heating up.