I have spent 15 years in a relationship and feel more lonely now, than when I was single. In the beginning my son had special needs and I lost a lot of friends. It seemed like this man came at the right time but with perhaps some clouded judgment on my end. I was more trusting with my heart because I’ve known him since I was ten years old. 

It was very difficult with my son who was from a previous relationship. HE is diagnosed with Aspergers and he was aggressive. I knew this may be a very long run in life perhaps my whole lifetime and I couldn’t ask that of someone else to give up their life so I offered him and out. This man looked me in my eyes and said no, I’m here for you whatever you need. While he has stayed and gone to work for the last fifteen years, I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to work with my son. I however felt cheated in the promise of I’m here for you because every time it got rough with my son, this man would drown himself in alcohol. So not only would I deal with my son’s angry outburst 6-8 times a day I was dealing with a drunk who would scream “just get rid of him” or I’m a terrible mother because he felt that my son wasn’t getting better yet he was too drunk to see his progress. 

I know you’re thinking why didn’t you leave? Well this behavior happened over a period of time. I became financially dependent on him. My role was at home, I made sure his clothes were clean, dry, and work clothes hanging up, even through the drunken nights of being called a bitch or fat cunt because he couldn’t handle the situation at hand and refused to leave when I originally welcomed him an out with no hard feelings. 

See over the years I’ve gained some weight, health went down a little. Life sometimes gets the best of you and emotions take over. I didn’t have a partner to talk to at the end of the day, I was usually throwing a cover over him passed out. Watching him piss ok himself or puke in the tub to clean up later. I was now stuck. My Father and two aunts have passed on. My mother is as evil as they come, and the two remaining siblings I have are addicts. My other sister was murdered along with her children. The friends I have are living their own lives. So I do what I do best, put on a smile and try to make the best of what I have and try not to focus on what I don’t - no matter how bad it is. I still have a roof over my head, good to eat, and two beautiful children. We had a daughter. 

Theres so much more that has happened in between but fast forward to now.  I was told my son would need extended schooling, always be on medication and be socially awkward for his life. My son graduated on time, is 5 years medication free, and is a freelance graphic designer and now branching out to start his own clothing line based on his art work. There was never a time I’ve had a drug or drinking problem with my boy and he he has no criminal record. I’m proud of him. He does have a hard time mainting a steady job (social issues) he’s very matter of fact and doesn’t like when people are on their phones at work - they should be working he says. He’s 21 and he’s still learning and I’m okay with that. I don’t expect him to have it all figured out. 

My daughter is top of her class and her nickname is Harvard. I’ve worked very hard as my part in the family. We all had a role. This man’s role was to be a provider and he constantly throws that in my face despite me squeezing work in when I could over the years to try and help out, it’s never acknowledged. The only fun facts that he leaves out while telling people he let me stay home while he worked is he would take money hundreds from the account and we would have shut off notices, not enough money for food etc. For me that’s failing on your role in the family.

I fight when I believe in something and people. I like to try and bring the best out of people and would hope people would give me that gift as well. I’ve since gone back to school and was working 3 jobs and made honor society until I fell ill. Now, I’m down to 1 part time job and still in school for Human Resource Management. I’m finishing a book of my life and starting a personal empowerment business next year. 

Theres a piece of my that wants to hold on because I’m thankful for the time I had to dedicate to my son and this man keeping a roof over our heads saying it was really hard makes me feel like I’m ungrateful and I’m not. I just wish I had someone to talk to at the end of the day. Currently we haven’t slept in the same bed in 9 years, I eat dinner in my room alone, don’t have much conversation, and after 15 years I feel like I still use his truck and live in his house. 

If I could have the ideal relationship it would be with someone who doesn’t make me feel bad about my flaws, someone who can compromise, like I wake up and think how can I make the other persons day better or easier and wish someone would do that for me. Someone who looks at me and thinks I’m just something great. Someone who has their own life. It’s so hard that this man won’t go do a guys night somewhere it’s so hard for me to have my own life and time too. It turns into some weird accusations. I need someone to have their own life. Anyhoo honesty, love, compassion, respect and someone that loves themselves. This is all I ever asked of this man and it’s so hard to get. It’s like pulling teeth to ask for anything. 

Anyway thanks for listening. I’m working on getting things together to move out. To start my life they way I envision it. My outlook on love...it’s for the birds anymore.