Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Husbands,
Do not depend on love to maintain your marriage relationship with your wife. The true love that is commitment after the "in love" has been transitioned through is vital but it is not enough. Nor will the most essential effort you invest in the relationship be enough. You must, MUST find a way to make these effective with your wife.
Marriage is a marathon but do not make the mistake of thinking it is simply a participation sport... It is a competition. Putting in enough training and having the focus and discipline to finish the marathon is not good enough... You must win. Who is the competition you might ask? I can honestly tell you I don't know them all. I have seen flashes of competitors such as idealized memories of past loves, magnification of my faults or shortcomings, stresses caused by difficulties in life, even her own depression over her problems or character flaws, as I've pushed myself, desperately trying to put these behind us.
Ultimately you may find yourself losing the competition because what is ahead of you is her unhappiness. Even if your wife sees the unhappiness is not your fault directly, she most probably will feel that the only way to have a chance at fixing it is to change the environment she is in. You may hope that she will invest in the marriage by communicating with you, making changes to herself, or even blindly committing to finding happiness with you and only you. Good luck with that; you are being naive.
Today's entitled society continually pounds us with setting expectations that YOU DESERVE THE BEST AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT YOU ARE BEING DEPRIVED. No longer is there a concept of earning something like marital happiness. You may find that your wife's effort will only take the form of waiting for something to get better. Since this will seem difficult for her, she will perceive it as putting a lot of effort into the marriage. As time goes by, she will build a "tab" of this invested effort and it will actually contribute more to her unhappiness.
You cannot rely on anyone but yourself to see your marriage work. This means that YOUR love, commitment, and effort are not enough. You must find a way for them to be effective. That is something I am obviously not capable of helping others with, considering my failure.
The path to hell is paved with good intentions. Stop by and say hi if you find yourself in that neighborhood.
Do not depend on love to maintain your marriage relationship with your wife. The true love that is commitment after the "in love" has been transitioned through is vital but it is not enough. Nor will the most essential effort you invest in the relationship be enough. You must, MUST find a way to make these effective with your wife.
Marriage is a marathon but do not make the mistake of thinking it is simply a participation sport... It is a competition. Putting in enough training and having the focus and discipline to finish the marathon is not good enough... You must win. Who is the competition you might ask? I can honestly tell you I don't know them all. I have seen flashes of competitors such as idealized memories of past loves, magnification of my faults or shortcomings, stresses caused by difficulties in life, even her own depression over her problems or character flaws, as I've pushed myself, desperately trying to put these behind us.
Ultimately you may find yourself losing the competition because what is ahead of you is her unhappiness. Even if your wife sees the unhappiness is not your fault directly, she most probably will feel that the only way to have a chance at fixing it is to change the environment she is in. You may hope that she will invest in the marriage by communicating with you, making changes to herself, or even blindly committing to finding happiness with you and only you. Good luck with that; you are being naive.
Today's entitled society continually pounds us with setting expectations that YOU DESERVE THE BEST AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT YOU ARE BEING DEPRIVED. No longer is there a concept of earning something like marital happiness. You may find that your wife's effort will only take the form of waiting for something to get better. Since this will seem difficult for her, she will perceive it as putting a lot of effort into the marriage. As time goes by, she will build a "tab" of this invested effort and it will actually contribute more to her unhappiness.
You cannot rely on anyone but yourself to see your marriage work. This means that YOUR love, commitment, and effort are not enough. You must find a way for them to be effective. That is something I am obviously not capable of helping others with, considering my failure.
The path to hell is paved with good intentions. Stop by and say hi if you find yourself in that neighborhood.
Imagine something you really enjoy doing and imagine something that you really hate doing. You might have a hobby that you really enjoy doing and you might have something in your life that you "have" to work at that you really don't enjoy doing.
An example might be going for a bike ride as something that you enjoy doing and scrubbing toilets as something you don't enjoy doing. If you think about it, both activities require the same amount of "effort" but one is considered "fulfilling" and the other is considered "drudgery".
I have posted the topic of "Working at a relationship" a few times on this forum because it is a concept that I have been deeply struggling with and focusing on after my divorce.
I considered the effort I put in my marriage as "fulfilling". It was worth the effort to me because I truly did love her. I was attentative, available, cooperative, communicative and supportive in all aspects of our lives in my opinion. At the least the best possible way that I knew how.
But that started to not be "good enough". My wife wasn't happy and I found myself putting in as much effort as I possibly could. The bar was being raised and my efforts needed to increase to make her happy. Over time, the effort turned from "Fulfilling" effort into "drudgery" work. I found that my efforts turned from something that I wanted to do into something that she required of me in order to be happy. It became work for me and I started to withdraw due to burn out.
That sad thing is that I really truly loved her and truly did like making her happy. I remember constantly thinking to myself.. "I just want her to be happy" "Please be happy". I was happy with her and didn't require anything from her but just to be herself. She didn't have to do anything for me except like to be with me and not be grossly negligent.
I think when a woman truly loves you, the competitive effort you are suggesting is not considered "work" but is "fulfilling". When a woman doesn't truly love you, the effort you are suggesting is "work" and I think is considered drudgery and is virtually impossible to maintain over the long haul.
All my ex wife had to do was to 'want" it to work. She didn't actually have to put in any effort other than being herself. But she did have to 'want" it to work. If she wanted it to work, it would have. If I wanted it work, it wasn't necessarily going to work. That is the biggest difference. Perhaps if I would have put an extreme amount of effort into my marriage, it might of worked. But there is a certain point where I just was unable to maintain that amount of effort because it hard when only one person wants it to work and the other doesn't.
To be honest, if your post is true, then it scares me and I wonder if I am able to be in a relationship. Perhaps I am meant to be single for the rest of my life because I just don't see myself jumping thru hoops to make someone love me. But I do see myself putting in the type of effort you are suggesting if the women I am with "wants" to see it to succeed.
@NewBegin2012 - I believe my rant may have conveyed a dissatisfaction for the effort I invested. The time and effort I invest in my wife and children is the most fulfilling time for me. In a sense it may have contributed to the same kind of ever increasing entitlement you described in your ex but I have yet to feel any resentment, only worry that it never really meant anything. My warning to others was that it is not good enough to go through the motions of expressing love if how you are expressing it is not exactly what the wife is wanting. Good intentions and even blood sweat and tears will not save a marriage. Lord knows I pray they would.
My wife has gone through cycles of marital happiness and unhappiness. Every time I scramble to try what I can to make things better. I have never threatened our marriage nor at any point have I given her reason to believe I did not love her deeply. This may have even caused her to doubt her own feelings when compared to how I appeared to feel about her. Did I ever hate her actions? Absolutely. Was I ever not attracted to her because of one reason or another. Know that I did quite often. But I always remember the qualities I fell in love with and still see them there. I want to journey through the good and bad that life throws at me with this woman.
September 2014, after having been more and more distant for months, my wife told me she couldn't live with me any more. I was devastated. I completely broke down. My complete and total vulnerability made her stop and reevaluate and she gave me the opportunity to make some changes.
The next few months were great. There was a new fire and she seemed truly happy. When I gave her our anniversary gift in October she cried tears of joy. Our love life was fantastic. Wednesday last week she came to my work and we had a nice lunch date at a favorite restaurant. That night she told me the same thing she did in September... a total blindside.
After everything I've gone through I am at a loss as to how I can save this marriage. That is what prompted my rant. If anyone has advice I am desperate.
Sorry for the gushing.
I am not husband------was wife, maid, cook , chauffeur, laundry person, butler, landscaper, anything else that needed to be done. He wanted me to take care of the kids plus his folks.
He only worked 2 months out of the year. In desperation, I finally got 2 jobs at school, I never complained----it got me out of the house and literally saved my life!!!!!
This society's throw away lifestyle, I feel so very sorry for. My grandparents were married for 65 years. It was not always easy, but they loved each other.
Everything is so different now. People jump into marriage and jump out. Just like you are trading baseball cards.
I am so very sorry.
I guess entitled society explains it all.
I wish you the best of luck.
Unfortunately I see a lot of red flags here and you should be cautious.
Sorry that you are going through this. Best wishes and luck to you.
Realizing your intention is relief to me because honestly, I just don't see the point of someone being responsible for anyone else's happiness. I was brainwashed in thinking that is what I had to do in my marriage but realize now that it really was just because she wasn't in love with me period. Or she wasn't attracted to me.
However, I think my wife didn't fully realize this herself because in her mind, she also associates love with acts of passion and romance. I think she thought if there was more passion and romance in the relationship then she would love me. Unfortunately for her, my increasing effort to pump of the romance and passion really didn't cure the real problem for her. What was the problem? ... She wasn't in love with me. So I could have been the most perfect romantic guy in the world and it wouldn't have mattered. She just didn't love me. Plain and simple. And it confuses the husband too because he is lead to believe that if he increases his efforts, like she is conveying him to him that he has to do, it doesn't work and he doesn't understand why.
The observations I have made with working marriages is that the two people put in good reasonable effort, but they aren't bustin ass for one another to the point where it becomes drudgery.
I have also observed situations where a guy or husband puts in minimum effort and the woman still stays with him. Not that he is abusive or negligent, but just is being himself, being nice, remembers anniversaries, bring home flowers when he supposed to (i.e. Valentines Day or Anniversary) and he is gold. Maybe the wife might snicker once in awhile for his lack of spontaneity at times. But she will never leave him. Why? Because she really loves him and couldn't see herself without him. Why does she love him? Perhaps he has a good sense of humor and/or she finds him attractive.
So I believe a woman is going to love you if she finds you attractive and feels good when she is around you for whatever reason, But I don't believe its due to the guy pouring out extreme amounts of effort or work. That's what husbands have to do when their wives don't love them.
So if that is happening to you. Just get out and let her go. Because at least you can love yourself enough to not be responsible for someone else's happiness. It's hard enough being responsible for your own happiness.