How exactly did you hurt her?

i was jealous, and wasn't the shoulder she needed...we had a lot of problems in the past, and I had talked to other women. I just wasn't in the marriage like I should have been

My wife said very similar things, although I was never talking to other women, and she had cheated on me at least once. I feel your pain. Hang in there. If she doesn't want to be with you, you will be able to find someone who does. It's a long, hard process. There's no way around that. But you can come out of this a better person, and in a better place, with a better relationship with someone who accepts you. Hang in there.

lost_broken, what I will say may not be what you want to hear, but maybe it is what you need.
Let her go. If you truly love her let her be happy. You are saying she wasn't happy. You had your chance now you need her to have a chance for happiness. If you have truly changed then you will not want it to be you but give her the freedom to find herself and her happiness. If by some chance she decides to find her happiness with you again then it has to be of her own free will and you have to accept that.
Work on yourself 100% to become a better person. Go to therapy to find what is the root of the problem. Make sure that you are not changing for her but for yourself. It is great and I applaud your effort to change and that you are taking accountability for the failed marriage. That is rare and it is awesome. BUT also love her enough to let her be free.
To be able to truly give her that freedom you need to love her from afar and want her to be happy.
A person who wants their SO back because they have changed and want to make them happy hasn't truly changed, they are still being selfish in wanting them and not wanting or respecting their needs and happiness.
Leave the door open. Respect her. Love her from afar. Be her friend if she needs you. And WANT to see her happy. Truly want it.
Like I said... I HOPE to God she someday walks back into your life. But that is her decision and not yours anymore.
The only thing you can do now is be a better man each day and become a better person each day FOR YOURSELF. Not for her or anyone else.
I am with you man. And I have been where you are today. My last breakup I do not take responsibility for because I was hurt badly by a selfish person. But my marriage ended 6 years ago because of ME. I take and took full responsibility and to this day all I want is to see her happy and my daughter happy. It took a long time to find that inner peace and 2 failed relationships after that where I got burned. But it is ok... It has made me into a great man and a great father. I would not change any of the clinically depressed days or the struggle to get here because I learned many very valuable lessons.
Be strong my friend and find yourself and improve yourself each day.
Big hug and many blessings.

Lonelywolf sounds very well adjusted and understanding. I like his encouragement and plan to take his advice as best I can. Hang in there buddy.

Lonelywolf needs to have a blog...that was perfectly said.

thank you all for the support...lonelywolf79, that is some wonderful advice, and I will definitely be taking it to heart thank you!

I'm in a very similar situation as lost_broken and feel like my world is ending because I fucked up and the girl of my dreams felt like I betrayed her and she wasn't happy even before she found out I cheated on her. Thanks to lonely wolf79's reply I can see now that I need to focus on improving myself for MYSELF. If she comes back it needs to be because she wants to be back with me 100% and it has to be her choice. I'm hurting worse than I ever have right now and I would give anything in the world to spend just 5 minutes with her in the same way we did before she became the cold person she feels like she needed to be to me the past few weeks. I am hopeful for the future and pray that one day she and I can have some kind of relationship but most of all I want her to be happy. I hate that I made her feel trapped and controlled and I wish she would give me another chance but that probably will never happen.

First of all, I want to say I am sorry and know this pain can feel overwhelming. I agree with lonelywolf that your relationship needs to be about her, not yourself. However, I also believe that marriage is until death do you part. Life is hard, and love is hard. It is easy to slip into selfishness, but that does not mean your marriage should end. Be the man she deserves and start thinking of her before you. My husband is not always the best husband, but our marriage is founded on forgiveness. Without it, we wouldn't have made it. We make mistakes and the important thing is you have realized yours. Do not go back to your old ways and try and love her every day in whatever way she lets you, even from afar. I have faith she will come back around if you continue in your journey.