Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
A little background- I am 33 and my (ex) fiance is 34. Up until less than a week ago, we had been together for 7.5 years, living together for 5, and engaged for 3. For the past few years I have been pursuing my education and we agreed we wanted to get married after I graduated and got a job in my field. I just graduated and am in the early stages of job hunting. Anyway, my relationship with my ex has had ups and downs- we sought counseling a few years ago- which really seemed to do great things. And we have always been committed to one another. Over the last year we have struggled a bit. We have remained invested in finding our footing again and recently, when we hit a rough patch, we both agreed we needed to evaluate what we were willing to give to the relationship to move forward and improve it. Being absolutely in love with him, my answer was easy and obvious- I wanted to stay in the relationship and put in whatever work it took to grow and strengthen us. He, too, said he wanted to work things out. Communition and emotional engagement have never been his strong suits, but he became more introspective and acountable than ever- identifying things he needs to work on and saying that he wanted to move forward with me. He told me that he loves me and, up until a week ago, was intitating conversations about our future plans together- building his life around "us". He wasn't even acting distant or cold- we have always been an extremely affectionate and lovey couple- and we have remained that way. I even began to look into couples counseling again so that we can get the outside tools we needed. I thought he was in it with me.
However, Thursday night (5 days ago) he came home from work and it all changed. He told me that he doesn't have anything left to fight for this relationship and that his heart is not in it. He ended things. I was completely blindsided, as we had both been expressing our desire to be together and were both speaking about our future plans. We went from kissing, and cuddling, and laughing- and him even telling me he is in love with me on Wednesday- to virtual strangers the next day. Since he ended things, he has been sleeping on the couch, avoiding coming home, and has appeared to have no emotional reaction to our split. When he is here he literally acts as though nothing has really happened. I am a wreck- I haven't been able to eat or sleep and I am only now starting to be able to go any length of period without sobbing. He sees this and has no real response. When he is home, he makes strange, cold smalltalk about his day. No real warmth or compassion left. One of the hardest things is the loss of affection suddenly. It's understandable of course, since we are technically no longer "together", but it is gut wrenching to just have it end. I still love him and I still wanted to make this work. I am completely devastated. And his emotional disconnect is destroying me. I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't understand his reaction. He has always struggled to be emotionally open and available- and always had a bit of a stoic default reaction to emotional situations- but this is on another level. It's like he is suddenly a stranger. And it seems so natural and easy for him! I am dying inside trying to get through each moment, and here he is- the man I thought was my future and who i put my whole heart into- acting as though he has already moved on and healed.
I am struggling to understand all of this. I now know I have to move forward, I guess. Pull myself together, find a job, start looking for another place to live. I don't really have family or anyone I can feasibly stay with. I have a small but loving support system, but nowhere to really go. And, even if I were to get a job immediately there is no way I could afford to take on this lease and rent on my own. It feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me and my entire life vanished in an instant. I am beyond heartbroken. I am still in love, jilted, and now expected to just get on with it. For now, I am just working on finding the strength to perform daily tasks of living. Eating still makes me ill and I am barely able to sleep. But I am praying for strength and guidance and some semblance of peace. I am just stunned and feel such excruciating loss. I am confused and scared and feel so duped. I can't believe that we're over- and that it ended this way. It just doesn't make sense to me. His behavior and reaction seems to disregard the weight and preciousness of what I thought we had and had created together. And they totally contradict what he was expressing up until just days ago. I am truly at a loss. My whole heart is wrapped up in this man and I now feel like he is a stranger. I have never felt pain like this in my entire life. This is the loneliest feeling I have ever felt. It's like I lost my best friend. How did we get here?? I am so uttely lost and struggling to make sense of it all. I'm not sure what I'm asking for here- or even if I am asking for anything at all. I guess I was just reaching for a lifeline. Maybe a bit of understanding, insight, or warmth even. I feel like I am freefalling and have lost my safe place to land.
The brain searches for reasons but cannot produce them. This is a growth thing. you have to grow through the grief, adjust to the new normal and then see what was going wrong, and where. Often it's dynamic. And the growing through the pain phase is a horror, so it's best not to try to understand, but simply get through the hours, and the days. The pain will lessen.
I'd say if he's been trying too hard to be something he is not, he would eventually crash and burn. the way you talk about him in your OP, it feels like he has been emasculated. Unfortunately that's usually death to a relationship. He's not a girl, he can't be made to 'move forward' and 'become accountable'. Nobody is accountable to anyone but God.
But he's certainly tried. I'd say he's said "ok, I'll pull out all the stops to be what she seems to want me to be, and give it one last shot' and he just couldn't live under that kind of stress, so he decided "that was my last shot and it didn't work, so it has to be over.' Logic gets them in the end. And then the whole house of cards falls down.
Don't fool yourself that he has no feelings. That's an easy mistake, everyone makes it, but it's simply not true. He has certainly come to a conclusion, but that doesn't mean he hasn't suffered or isn't suffering. He stayed for 7 1/2 yrs. That means he cared, that he tried, and he failed, and now he's moving on.
the minutiae of why and how will come to you slowly over the next couple of years. I'm giving you my potted analysis because I doubt anyone else will hand out something like this and it's important, in this new world, not to treat men like you treat women.
All the best.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I actually read it several times so i could take it in. At first, i was confused and, honestly, taken aback by your statement that my original post sounded as though my partner has been emasculated. My instinct was to assume that, because i love him so much, there is no way i could have contributed to that. But i did some reading online and some soul-searching and you are absolutely right! Seeing things through that lens opens up a whole universe of understanding for me! I see now how, over the course of our time together, i have unknowingly emasculated and devalued him. I was only really able to see it through my own lens of what i now can recognize was some insecurity in the relationship. What i thought was me fighting for myself and for us was really likely contributing to him shutting down and feeling completely devalued in the relationship. I believe our patterns of interaction led to a point where there has been a loss of emotional trust. I can understand how he no longer sees himself as having any value in this relationship- and i can see how i have unintentionally reinforced that message. I can also understand how he has reached a point where he doesn't feel happy or see any hope for our future. Your insightful observation has given me a lot to reflect on. At the very least, i know that moving forward this will provide me with a bit of the clarity i have been longing for.