Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi everyone. First, I would like to apologize for the length of this, but it if for clarity of what I have gone through to help gain perspective and perhaps see if I am the issue or the person I was dating is the issue? This is our second time at this relationship and we started dating end of January and broke it off per his phone call last Wed so I am still in a tailspin. I have went through the anger, then the denial, I feel now I am in the grieving and shock...not sure though. Any help is appreciated to sort out if I could have averted this train wreck or ?
Here goes:
I am beginning to wonder if perhaps I am the emotional abuser, if i am the crazy one? I just got out of a relationship, second time in, with a man that I can't seem to break contact with, who is not necessarily mean to me in the traditional sense of the word, but I have huge trust issues with.
We had broken up the end of August, his idea, and he wanted to remain friends. I did, but we did not really keep contact other than through texts, phone calls and email. I was never aware of the fact that he had an ex girlfriend that he had gotten back with and this same woman, he had dumped for me. He contacted me back in December (his bday is then) and said he was sorry for what had happened, and things progressed until in late January he got up enough nerve to ask for a dinner date. I hesitently agreed and we met up. During the course of dinner, he was so very tender with me, saying that he had been seeing some one, but she was not working out, that there was no communtication..etc. That she knew they were through. The date ended after a going and shooting some pool, hanging out and talking and driving around. There was some attraction, quite a bit still but we did not have sex as I could not be sure of him yet or his intent.
He ended up buying me tickets to a fancey theatre show and I decided to go, it was to be a weekend ordeal. I was to find out that he really had not explained things to her all the way yet, but that was after I spend the night there. The next day, after we had went skating and we were in my vehicle )he has one but we just took mine, we pulled up to his place and I looked back to see her pulling up behind us. I was in shock. He was like well she is just upset, she does not understand that it is over and she was upset that I was suppossed to take the kids roller skating this day. ( turned out she does not even have kids, it is her sister and brother in laws kids) I stayed in my vehicle as I am not confrontational, but he got out and talked to her, said ok it is all taken care of, I am taking them tommorrow, but I want you to stay ok? It will only be for a few hours. Like a dumbass, I stayed. Later she kept texting him and was shaken up and upset he said. He said she is just so tenderhearted, he let her call him and when he was talkin to her, I heard him say "No its not like that, you knew it was not working out, You know we have been friends a long time and we will stay friends and I will take care of you and he called her an affectionate nickname.
When I pointed out that it hurt, he was like well babe, what did you expect me to do, when she came to get her things she left her at the house, she seen your things and it really upset her? She is very tender hearted. I was like, well and I am not? Dont you think this upsets me?
He said, just let me go talk to her and we will get this taken care of and no more problems. I let him as I am a very fair and trusting person. She lives in the same town, maybe a block away. He was gone about 45 min to an hour.
He came back and was like, she knew it was you and she knew I would go back to you, she was just upset and she is ok with it now. I was like, I didnt even know that you left someone to be with me. He said, Oh yeah, she was upset that she lost me to you once again.
That was very uncomfortable to me and I told him that he should honor his promise to her about the kids. I actually felt bad. As if I had caused this somehow?
He texted me throughout the skating time and even told me the kids acted up at the rink and he should not even have went as he barely had fun skating cause there were too many kids there and they slowed his skating down. He let me know when he was leaving and even stopped to get me food and a sundae. Of course I was just the best ever.
We ended up having a freak snowstorm and I ended up staying at his place for three more days..he was so attentive and it was what I thought was going to be a start of a new and improved relationship.
I was so wrong.
By Tuesday, he had his friends stop by and they brought him some recreational drugs (this same man had stopped smoking for me because of my migraines teh first time around, and I did not even ask him to) Now he was smoking and smoking more than cigs.
I tried to accept it and think well it could be worse. He is working and he does go to college. He does not beat me and he even opens doors for me and brings me plates of food, he is kind, etc.
Anyway, the kindness can only last so long. He always wanted to change things about me, the way I dress, my friends, did not like me to curse. If I slept in, and he could not, he would most times wake me up, sometimes just by being loud, but other times by laying in bed and talking until I would wake up. Now if I let him sleep, say he fell asleep real early in the evening and I had to go to work early the next day, I would leave out of courtesy, to let him sleep ( I sleep best in my own bed) I would try to wake him and he would never wake up. Then the minute I would leave and be driving off, he would call and be mad at me for leaving.
Same if we had fought and I would leave to avoid a confrontation, say he went outside to take a call and didnt even tell me, I would just leave. I would leave a note. Heck, I yelled for him and couldnt find him and decided just to go. He called and was shocked that I would do that. I avoid conflict..I grew up with an alcoholic father and that was the only way to survive.
The day that I did that and oddly enough that was the last day we had together, we had been shopping and he ran into his ex in that store. I was in the ladies and had and armful of clothes. He came over and told me I needed to try them on real quick cause she was there and he wanted to leave. Of course I was upset.
Why should I have to leave a public place when I am enjoying myself, when I let him go see her in private and go take those kids skating? So I just set the clothes down and walked out of the store. We fought all teh way back. He said I copped attitude and he just was respectful to his exes. I said,but you and your women friends can be around her? He said that is different I am not screwing them. That cut me to the core. So I had pretty much made up my mind that I wanted to leave as soon as we got back.
Am I the crazy, insecure, nuerotic one? Anyway, he dumped me last Wed over the phone. Said I wigged out to much on him. I brought too much drama on myself, I was to negative and a big factor was that I would not fly to another state with him. He said just forget it now, you dont get to go. You had your chance up until Tues. You threw it away. You could of seen me last weekend and you said no, made up excuses, but it was because he has a trlr park he always has to go take care of and I knew he would be edgy and I would have a bad time if he came to my house. I live in another town. He has a very rigid schedule and it has to be his way.
I told him that and he said, well you had your chance and when I offered you should have said ok. Regardless his friend, who is a married female, said that the ex had been at his place recently ( i figure that weekend) and she said he slept on the couch, yet she says she dont believe it and that my ex said that the ex changed some things he didnt like about her. Also that she figured this would happen as whenever he starts to complain about his dates, it doesnt take long for him to kick them to the curb. So now to my knowledge, this girl has come back to him 3 times.
Anyway, I am very sorry for the length of this, but I just have to wonder if I am at fault, or if I had lived in his town would I have stood a chance? This man was telling me he thought the world of me just the week before he dumped me, wanting to fly me and take me to sea world, calling me repeatedly iF i did not answer, telling me not to give up what we have over the mistake at the store, and that he did not love her, he just cared about her welfare, yet to my knowledge she is back in..and I am on the curb?
I am so messed up....Even after our heated arguement, he wanted to remain friends..I told him f ur friendship, I see how you treat your friends. Man, I never even acted like that the first time around but infedility hits me hard.
Here goes:
I am beginning to wonder if perhaps I am the emotional abuser, if i am the crazy one? I just got out of a relationship, second time in, with a man that I can't seem to break contact with, who is not necessarily mean to me in the traditional sense of the word, but I have huge trust issues with.
We had broken up the end of August, his idea, and he wanted to remain friends. I did, but we did not really keep contact other than through texts, phone calls and email. I was never aware of the fact that he had an ex girlfriend that he had gotten back with and this same woman, he had dumped for me. He contacted me back in December (his bday is then) and said he was sorry for what had happened, and things progressed until in late January he got up enough nerve to ask for a dinner date. I hesitently agreed and we met up. During the course of dinner, he was so very tender with me, saying that he had been seeing some one, but she was not working out, that there was no communtication..etc. That she knew they were through. The date ended after a going and shooting some pool, hanging out and talking and driving around. There was some attraction, quite a bit still but we did not have sex as I could not be sure of him yet or his intent.
He ended up buying me tickets to a fancey theatre show and I decided to go, it was to be a weekend ordeal. I was to find out that he really had not explained things to her all the way yet, but that was after I spend the night there. The next day, after we had went skating and we were in my vehicle )he has one but we just took mine, we pulled up to his place and I looked back to see her pulling up behind us. I was in shock. He was like well she is just upset, she does not understand that it is over and she was upset that I was suppossed to take the kids roller skating this day. ( turned out she does not even have kids, it is her sister and brother in laws kids) I stayed in my vehicle as I am not confrontational, but he got out and talked to her, said ok it is all taken care of, I am taking them tommorrow, but I want you to stay ok? It will only be for a few hours. Like a dumbass, I stayed. Later she kept texting him and was shaken up and upset he said. He said she is just so tenderhearted, he let her call him and when he was talkin to her, I heard him say "No its not like that, you knew it was not working out, You know we have been friends a long time and we will stay friends and I will take care of you and he called her an affectionate nickname.
When I pointed out that it hurt, he was like well babe, what did you expect me to do, when she came to get her things she left her at the house, she seen your things and it really upset her? She is very tender hearted. I was like, well and I am not? Dont you think this upsets me?
He said, just let me go talk to her and we will get this taken care of and no more problems. I let him as I am a very fair and trusting person. She lives in the same town, maybe a block away. He was gone about 45 min to an hour.
He came back and was like, she knew it was you and she knew I would go back to you, she was just upset and she is ok with it now. I was like, I didnt even know that you left someone to be with me. He said, Oh yeah, she was upset that she lost me to you once again.
That was very uncomfortable to me and I told him that he should honor his promise to her about the kids. I actually felt bad. As if I had caused this somehow?
He texted me throughout the skating time and even told me the kids acted up at the rink and he should not even have went as he barely had fun skating cause there were too many kids there and they slowed his skating down. He let me know when he was leaving and even stopped to get me food and a sundae. Of course I was just the best ever.
We ended up having a freak snowstorm and I ended up staying at his place for three more days..he was so attentive and it was what I thought was going to be a start of a new and improved relationship.
I was so wrong.
By Tuesday, he had his friends stop by and they brought him some recreational drugs (this same man had stopped smoking for me because of my migraines teh first time around, and I did not even ask him to) Now he was smoking and smoking more than cigs.
I tried to accept it and think well it could be worse. He is working and he does go to college. He does not beat me and he even opens doors for me and brings me plates of food, he is kind, etc.
Anyway, the kindness can only last so long. He always wanted to change things about me, the way I dress, my friends, did not like me to curse. If I slept in, and he could not, he would most times wake me up, sometimes just by being loud, but other times by laying in bed and talking until I would wake up. Now if I let him sleep, say he fell asleep real early in the evening and I had to go to work early the next day, I would leave out of courtesy, to let him sleep ( I sleep best in my own bed) I would try to wake him and he would never wake up. Then the minute I would leave and be driving off, he would call and be mad at me for leaving.
Same if we had fought and I would leave to avoid a confrontation, say he went outside to take a call and didnt even tell me, I would just leave. I would leave a note. Heck, I yelled for him and couldnt find him and decided just to go. He called and was shocked that I would do that. I avoid conflict..I grew up with an alcoholic father and that was the only way to survive.
The day that I did that and oddly enough that was the last day we had together, we had been shopping and he ran into his ex in that store. I was in the ladies and had and armful of clothes. He came over and told me I needed to try them on real quick cause she was there and he wanted to leave. Of course I was upset.
Why should I have to leave a public place when I am enjoying myself, when I let him go see her in private and go take those kids skating? So I just set the clothes down and walked out of the store. We fought all teh way back. He said I copped attitude and he just was respectful to his exes. I said,but you and your women friends can be around her? He said that is different I am not screwing them. That cut me to the core. So I had pretty much made up my mind that I wanted to leave as soon as we got back.
Am I the crazy, insecure, nuerotic one? Anyway, he dumped me last Wed over the phone. Said I wigged out to much on him. I brought too much drama on myself, I was to negative and a big factor was that I would not fly to another state with him. He said just forget it now, you dont get to go. You had your chance up until Tues. You threw it away. You could of seen me last weekend and you said no, made up excuses, but it was because he has a trlr park he always has to go take care of and I knew he would be edgy and I would have a bad time if he came to my house. I live in another town. He has a very rigid schedule and it has to be his way.
I told him that and he said, well you had your chance and when I offered you should have said ok. Regardless his friend, who is a married female, said that the ex had been at his place recently ( i figure that weekend) and she said he slept on the couch, yet she says she dont believe it and that my ex said that the ex changed some things he didnt like about her. Also that she figured this would happen as whenever he starts to complain about his dates, it doesnt take long for him to kick them to the curb. So now to my knowledge, this girl has come back to him 3 times.
Anyway, I am very sorry for the length of this, but I just have to wonder if I am at fault, or if I had lived in his town would I have stood a chance? This man was telling me he thought the world of me just the week before he dumped me, wanting to fly me and take me to sea world, calling me repeatedly iF i did not answer, telling me not to give up what we have over the mistake at the store, and that he did not love her, he just cared about her welfare, yet to my knowledge she is back in..and I am on the curb?
I am so messed up....Even after our heated arguement, he wanted to remain friends..I told him f ur friendship, I see how you treat your friends. Man, I never even acted like that the first time around but infedility hits me hard.
Walk away, block his number, don't have any contact with him. No one can come out a winner when dating him.
You are not at fault. You need to see that this man is manipulative, a drug user, and a liar. Your best bet is to establish no contact, block his number, and refuse his calls.
You deserve better.
Time to go to no contact with this dud! He's shown you again what a loser he is and will always be. Why be friends with him either? That is only a way for him to absolve himself of any guilt and will only cause you continued pain.
No contact is rough but worth it. No phone calls, texts, facebook reading, etc. Best of luck!
I did divorce my husband and I have never really forgiven myself for it..so perhaps I keep trying to make it work in the worst of situations to absolve that? One of the men I dated for over 2 years, who kept drawing me back in, told me you get karma times ten, that I would pay for divorcing my ex. It seems like his karma wish for me is working, I have had some of the worst out there, from men that have sexually abused me, to men that beat me down to just breaking me down. Oddly enough I seem to get addicts, either hard core alcoholics and or meth heads. They portray something else online and you would not believe how they can seem so different for quite some time. I never found any meth at this man's house, he only ever smoked pot in front of me, but he has a cabinet full of script drugs, some that are his, soem that are recreational. He sells on the side to support his habit as he is self employed and does not have insurance. I am taking a shot here and guessing that maybe as he tried to get me to smoke and I just can't ( I dont even smoke cigs) I am not a good fit for him. As I said he does not care for anyone who drinks, unless he says its ok, so that is out, even socially. I feel this girl, who is in his social circle, will smoke and who knows? I just can't be what he wants or get into trouble for any man..not worth it. She is a fair bit younger than us and seems naive, so maybe he plays on that. I am to, to some things, but I am not into trouble, at all. I also will not knowinly cheat and I feel she will as she lives real close to him and has seen my vehicle there alot so she cant be that misled. That is why I had even sent texts, honestly tryin to step out and telling him, just go on your trip you bought tickets for, I dont want to, take whoever you want. ( My gut instinct was kicking in, things were not adding up) I had even really sent a text telling him we just had no communication and wishing him the best with everything, that we both just needed to start fresh. :) Just like that, it was all positive. I had forgotten about it, as he had me so upset over the store thing and I had been up late and honestly it was a drunken text. I went back and checked my texts and found it. But it was a positive text and put it on me, I never blamed him at all.
Never a peep out of him about it. Odd...and as I said, up until the day before, the trip he had planned for us was on..despite my protests. He still insisted on control. He still insisted there was nothing going on with him and this woman, even though it was pointed out to me by others that there was.
He has OCD, ADD, Tourettes and I feel perhaps Bi Polar undiagnosed, just by searching the meds he is on...his mood swings are quite scary and it is like being on a roller coaster. I never minded the first three things..at all, believe me, I have my issues and I am a nurturer, but when he has a rage, or when he tells me I am too compassionate and puts it on me, tells me I am the drama, I am negative (when I reach out daily to people and give to local charities and other charities) that I wig out on me, well yes I do when He is sullen, and mean to me and withdraws affection from me after I do very kind things for him and he can't even buy me a small valentine gift or even a card ( I write him a poem) and then because I dont jump at a lame offer to come see me for Easter when I know he would be mean about it anyway ( I get no phone call even) I am wigging out? He does not celebrate holidays so therefore, I should just get over it. Anyway...I feel you are all right, NC is best.
He also brough his riding mower down here and I offered to pay a company to take it back to him, just to be done with things. He flatly refused. Said he did not want his mower scratched up. Like that would happen, he loaded it in my truck and brought it down. He has a professional mower, not like it is that big of a deal to him, but it is to me..just being here is a reason for him to come around. I have the key on me, so he can't just come get it and say someone took it. I want it gone but I dont want any blame and I also don't want to be here, but I dont want him coming around if I am not and putting sugar in my riding mowers tank. (he has a vengeful streak) Or bringing her and rubbing salt in the wounds. Again sorry for the length, but this is just a big mess....