Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband of 10 years (together almost 15) and I are looking at getting divorced. It's weird because I always heard about people getting divorced for "irreconcilable differences" and you use to think it was such BS, but that's where I am now. It's like we're fighting about everything and nothing at the same time. I have 4 kids!, I'm 35, and at a time in my life where I should be settled, I'm thinking about having to start dating again and thinking about finding someone that can accept me with 4 kids. And I'm hurt that someone that I was so in love with (and still am in some ways) could hurt me and give up on me/us because its too hard. I don't even really have friends anymore! I have co-workers, I'm close to some of them, but my life has been him and my kids so I don't even feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. I'm Christian so I also have this internal struggle with the idea of divorce because it's Biblically not okay short of adultry, which still hasn't been proven at this point, though I wonder (why else all of a sudden do you just decide it's not worth the effort of trying anymore). I'm lost and confused and drained! And as much as I hate being around him because he pushes everyone of my buttons right now, when he's not here I want to talk to him, text him. I'm so not use to sleeping by myself, I want him to hold me, but thats not possible anymore. I don't know what to do, I don't even know what kind of a response I want from this message...I just have this feeling of being alone all the time, even with a house full of kids. Don't get me wrong, I know God is there and He will provide and get me through, but I feel alone!
I can't say sorry about the divorce because it sounds like the right thing. Life is too short not to be happy. You are 35 with 4 kids..that won't be a show stopper for the right guy. While you would think we should be settled at our age (I'm 48), life is constantly changing.
Yes, it feels horrible that someone you put love, energy, sacrifice, hopes and dreams into gives up and hurts you. But you know what, it's their loss. Someone else will appreciate it and will fight for you. Like you I don't have friends, just co-workers in general. But we can try and hang with them right? They might become friends. It just takes time.
Yes, it's natural to miss texting him, sleeping next to him, talking to him but it was such a part of your life. Someone else will be to.
Everything you described - I felt the same with my ex. So I can tell you, it sucks, it's painful, you want to curl in a ball somedays, somedays you just can't bear not being with them...but it gets better in time. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be sad. Get it all out. Than if you want to date you can. If not, it's fine taking time for you. God wouldn't give you something that you couldn't handle right?
Deep breath. Hope it helps that someone understands.
I remember thinking (once the reality set in) that thank goodness this happened now, not 10 or 20 years down the road, when I would be 47 or 57 and "starting over" again.
On the practical side, get a good attorney, make sure you get adequate child support and support, learn to co-parent amicably and don't badmouth your ex to your children - he is still their father (and if he is a bad father, they will learn that soon enough - they won't need trash talk to help them figure it out).
On the emotional side, take care of yourself and your children. Love yourself, do things for yourself. Revel in being single and independent (I got to decorate my small apartment to suit my tastes, not accommodate his! - what a boost to my self-esteem). Indulge in the hobby or interest or passion that took 2nd seat to being wife and mom - another great boost to possibly damaged self-esteem. Create memories with your children, create new traditions so the old ones won't be missed as much. Grow strong as a woman and as a mother. Don't be afraid to seek out spiritual support.
And finally, don't rush into dating or finding someone to accept a single woman with 4 children. If you give off "need a man to support me and my kids" vibes, you come across as needy and desperate. And will attract every jerk in the county because they will see you as an easy mark. Beware of instant "love". Read up on the warning signs of abusive relationships and signs of narcissistic/controlling and co-dependent behaviors. As mentioned before, newly divorced women (with or without children) become easy prey for these men. I know, I fell victim myself. There is a reason most "rebound" relationships fail.
But, eventually you will meet a man that fully accepts you as you are, a man that you don't "need", but the man with whom you want to share your life.
I met mine at a tattoo parlor - indulging my passion for a tattoo :). We became friends and that friendship grew and grew. That was 19 years ago.
So many times divorce is a new opportunity for happiness. Don't let the heartbreak and pain you are experiencing now prevent you from enjoying all joy and love life has to offer you.
I'm really sorry that you are experiencing the idea of divorce. Yet it's grand to know that you are keeping in mind that God brings people in our lives for a reason - smart and true!
Have you considered seeing a specialist in the skills of relationship or family therapy? This idea will help you to keep an open eye on things when pulling this boat of divorce is way to heavy to bear. I know how uncomfortable dealing with contentions can be in marriage situations. However, you have your faith in God and with a good spiritual therapist you may know better than anyone that you are setting yourself up to maximize the journey of so many years of marriage for the better vision of what you hope for your family in the future sense; I say fight for your marriage. Best to you. Hugs!
Enjoy the rest of your day. God be with you.