Yes I can feel for you. This pretty much sums up what happened to me. We did not try counseling though, but did read books on the topic by relationship experts. I was the one who got tossed out, but wanted to start from scratch. I feel as though I never changed during our ten year marriage. She just wanted something different than who I was. More excitement and adventure than I was. I'm very conservative financially and this added stress. Good luck to you with the starting over.

Our stories are perhaps similar. I think not changing was a downfall. I am also conservative financially, however change and adventure doesn't have to be expensive. I think we all change over the years, I know I have. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago nor do I want to be. Perhaps we just simply grew apart. Maybe starting over is exactly what I needed, as tough as it is right now. Thank you.

I think we all change over the years, even if we don't realize it. Maybe not in the same ways and maybe not for the better. I also suspect that we change (subconsciously) in reaction to how our spouse/SO behaves.

It sounds like you each made your choices but communicated them in very different ways. It also sounds like he checked out a long time ago and that he's in denial.

At some point I decided that the ex & I were both aboard a sinking ship and since he wasn't doing anything to save either of us & I had 'tried' everything I could think of to no avail, I decided to save myself.

I chose to leave and file for divorce. He never did anything at all. Nothing! I can't help but wonder if he thought I would be back and that his head is still spinning because he didn't think I would actually followed thru. I even dragged out the divorce for almost 2 yrs to 'give him one more chance.'

After the divorce was final, I went to therapy for a long time, made a new life for myself and while I don't have a as nice a house anymore or nearly as much money, I am SO much happier.

I know you're feeling hurt and scared right now, but try to think of this as the first step in you reclaiming your power and your life.

~healing hugs~

Arathkamp22.I also was told he didn't love me anymore too.After 22 years he had an affair for half a year and I was clueless.I did not know NOTHING.he would come home like nothing happened.like he got used to his guilts.on Feb 6th.a travel agency thank you card came in the mail with his name on it and the other woman.he took her to vegas on a business trip.it was the worst experience I had ever encountered because I suffered and the pain to this day is still there because I have loved this man for so many years.my heart was broken in so many pieces I can't even mend it just yet.it's going to take me some time.he wants to be just friends.I can't for the life of me get the images out of my head of them two togetter.when I always asked if I can go to vegas with him on business.well obviously it was NO..he takes someone else instead.That hurted so much and the affair of course...we were drifting away from each other.however,an affair wasn't going to solved our problems it made it worse.i did moved out into an apartment and it's lonely as hell and quite frankly I am bored to death.putting things away and trying to make this place my home is deeply depressing and sad and taking me forever just to put a dish towel on a stove handle.I need FRIENDS.i don't have friends that just want to go out and have a cup of coffee.I had a glass of wine the other night alone supposedly to get a little energized and get some unpacking done.Nope! I ended up drinking the whole bottle listening to salsa.

YOU left for a couple of nights, YOU returned your wedding ring to him, YOU purchased another home and moved out. And YOU wonder why HE wants a divorce??

The problem with taking such actions for dramatic results is that sometimes the result is not the one you intended.

A more prudent approach would have been increased communication. Had you investigated why you had grown distant and withdrawn? Had you attempted to increase the level of intimacy (not just sex) between the two of you?

As you have learned, actions cause reactions. Perhaps had you tried subtle ways to improve your marriage by taking small actions on your part, your husband may have responded in kind. However, you decided to go "all in" and your husband responded in kind by folding.