Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I also posted this on the depression support board, but think it is applicable here as well...
Last year, my wife of 8 years was caught in the early stages of an emotional affair. This led to many changes and realizations in our marriage and we decided to try and work on them. Eventually, I realized that it seemed I wanted to work on them more than she did. She seemed to have checked out of the marriage prior to having the affair. She claims she still loves me but is not in love with me. Yes. Those dreaded words. Over the year, I've realized and come to terms with actions that I did or didn't do that lead to her closing her heart to me. She says that she wants to get that feeling back, but she can't find it. As the year went on, I began noticing behaviors in my wife that made me start to believe that something deeper was taking place in her. Things that I had looked at as just being part of her personality seemed to magnify. Maybe it was due to my own self-evaluation, I don't know. But a lot has been due to the many discussions that we have had about our feelings and emotions towards each other and our relationship.
For the entire time that I have known my wife, she has always had a low self-esteem. She usually has an automatically negative attitude about herself in much of what she does, often saying that she can't do this or would be bad at doing that, etc. I'm being very broad here, I know. Without going into our relationship issues and discoveries of our own self-perceptions, I've learned that she never thought that she was good enough for me. That she never thought she was good enough for anything.
As I began to pay more attention to her words about what she was feeling, I would notice times of extreme lows, followed by times of indifference about our relationship. I would try to help as I had always done in the past, but noticed that she would refuse it. She would have crying moments, saying how she wishes she were dead but that she wouldn't attempt suicide because she knew she would be bad at too and leave herself disabled but still alive. So I worried. And began to research what she expressed she was feeling. Everything I came up with pointed back to depression/anxiety, and it pointed back to many of the things that throughout the relationship I thought were just part of her quirky personality. The self-doubt, worthlessness, indifference, sadness, irritability, and so on. Throughout our relationship, the lows would happen, but she would always come back to normal. Over the past year, she's been in a predominately down mood, experiencing weeks at a time of just general apathy. In her search to find herself, to try regain her love for me, she told me that we needed space. So we decided to give the marriage a break and do a 3 month trial separation, not dating anyone but each other. A separation, she hoped, would bring clarity to what she wanted to do about our marriage. Since she felt that she hadn't been able to make a decision during the six months prior that we had been trying to work on our marriage together. She said she still didn't feel anything. But the anything wasn't necessarily towards me. It was towards her job, her social life, her schoolwork, family, etc. Nothing moved her. So in time alone, she felt she could regain herself and snap out of it. We are now 7 months into our 3 month trial separation. Each month after the first 3, she says she's not ready. That she can't decide what she wants. So I've been extending my month-to-month rental. In that time, the space between us is widening. The emotional connection, distancing. We have had regular communication, but sometimes, when we don't, I reach out to her and find her to be in extremely low spirits. Talking about how deciding whether to divorce or not is yet another thing in her life that she can't do right. How she knows that I would be better off without her because she is worthless and ruins everything. Her life, my life, etc. That she feels like crap because I'm sad and she knows that she's the cause. I tell her that I'm okay and that I don't blame her for my feelings. That I know that she does not have a malicious intent. But, it still makes me sad when she is in extreme low spirits. I used to be able to be there for her, but in this separation, I can't. And communication gets so limited. Mostly three word text responses. I know I can't bring her back when she is experiencing the lows, but I would like to be there, encourage her, hug her.
Over time, I've learned how being unable to make decisions for yourself can be a trait of depression. She's beating herself up for her indecision, which seems to perpetuate the cycle. I've discussed my thoughts with her. Encouraged her to seek help. But she does not want to seek help. She realizes that she is not herself, but says she can snap out of it. She's been snapping out of it for over 9 months now. A couple of months ago, she sought therapy. After a few sessions, I asked her if her therapist had anything to say about the possibility of her being depressed. She said they hadn't discussed that. That she didn't feel comfortable talking to her therapist about that stuff. They were talking about her self-esteem issues only. I was surprised to hear that, because I thought that was the reason she went to the therapist in the first place. She has recently stopped going to this therapist and has fallen into another extreme low. It seems like she may have wanted the therapist to give her a solution on her dilemma about marriage, but with no solution provided, she feels like she can't even do therapy right? I don't know. And I know I should not be so concerned with her. That she has to come to terms with things in her own time. But I care. So much of what she tells me about her feelings about herself worries me. I fear that if her depression cannot be acknowledged, that there is no chance for salvaging our marriage. I care and will be there, if she lets me. I don't know what to do at this point. Should I be patient, hope that she's right and that she will snap out of it? Prepare for divorce? Move back in and support her closer, and live separated in our own home for however long that takes? Or is she a lost cause that I'm fighting in vain for?
Last year, my wife of 8 years was caught in the early stages of an emotional affair. This led to many changes and realizations in our marriage and we decided to try and work on them. Eventually, I realized that it seemed I wanted to work on them more than she did. She seemed to have checked out of the marriage prior to having the affair. She claims she still loves me but is not in love with me. Yes. Those dreaded words. Over the year, I've realized and come to terms with actions that I did or didn't do that lead to her closing her heart to me. She says that she wants to get that feeling back, but she can't find it. As the year went on, I began noticing behaviors in my wife that made me start to believe that something deeper was taking place in her. Things that I had looked at as just being part of her personality seemed to magnify. Maybe it was due to my own self-evaluation, I don't know. But a lot has been due to the many discussions that we have had about our feelings and emotions towards each other and our relationship.
For the entire time that I have known my wife, she has always had a low self-esteem. She usually has an automatically negative attitude about herself in much of what she does, often saying that she can't do this or would be bad at doing that, etc. I'm being very broad here, I know. Without going into our relationship issues and discoveries of our own self-perceptions, I've learned that she never thought that she was good enough for me. That she never thought she was good enough for anything.
As I began to pay more attention to her words about what she was feeling, I would notice times of extreme lows, followed by times of indifference about our relationship. I would try to help as I had always done in the past, but noticed that she would refuse it. She would have crying moments, saying how she wishes she were dead but that she wouldn't attempt suicide because she knew she would be bad at too and leave herself disabled but still alive. So I worried. And began to research what she expressed she was feeling. Everything I came up with pointed back to depression/anxiety, and it pointed back to many of the things that throughout the relationship I thought were just part of her quirky personality. The self-doubt, worthlessness, indifference, sadness, irritability, and so on. Throughout our relationship, the lows would happen, but she would always come back to normal. Over the past year, she's been in a predominately down mood, experiencing weeks at a time of just general apathy. In her search to find herself, to try regain her love for me, she told me that we needed space. So we decided to give the marriage a break and do a 3 month trial separation, not dating anyone but each other. A separation, she hoped, would bring clarity to what she wanted to do about our marriage. Since she felt that she hadn't been able to make a decision during the six months prior that we had been trying to work on our marriage together. She said she still didn't feel anything. But the anything wasn't necessarily towards me. It was towards her job, her social life, her schoolwork, family, etc. Nothing moved her. So in time alone, she felt she could regain herself and snap out of it. We are now 7 months into our 3 month trial separation. Each month after the first 3, she says she's not ready. That she can't decide what she wants. So I've been extending my month-to-month rental. In that time, the space between us is widening. The emotional connection, distancing. We have had regular communication, but sometimes, when we don't, I reach out to her and find her to be in extremely low spirits. Talking about how deciding whether to divorce or not is yet another thing in her life that she can't do right. How she knows that I would be better off without her because she is worthless and ruins everything. Her life, my life, etc. That she feels like crap because I'm sad and she knows that she's the cause. I tell her that I'm okay and that I don't blame her for my feelings. That I know that she does not have a malicious intent. But, it still makes me sad when she is in extreme low spirits. I used to be able to be there for her, but in this separation, I can't. And communication gets so limited. Mostly three word text responses. I know I can't bring her back when she is experiencing the lows, but I would like to be there, encourage her, hug her.
Over time, I've learned how being unable to make decisions for yourself can be a trait of depression. She's beating herself up for her indecision, which seems to perpetuate the cycle. I've discussed my thoughts with her. Encouraged her to seek help. But she does not want to seek help. She realizes that she is not herself, but says she can snap out of it. She's been snapping out of it for over 9 months now. A couple of months ago, she sought therapy. After a few sessions, I asked her if her therapist had anything to say about the possibility of her being depressed. She said they hadn't discussed that. That she didn't feel comfortable talking to her therapist about that stuff. They were talking about her self-esteem issues only. I was surprised to hear that, because I thought that was the reason she went to the therapist in the first place. She has recently stopped going to this therapist and has fallen into another extreme low. It seems like she may have wanted the therapist to give her a solution on her dilemma about marriage, but with no solution provided, she feels like she can't even do therapy right? I don't know. And I know I should not be so concerned with her. That she has to come to terms with things in her own time. But I care. So much of what she tells me about her feelings about herself worries me. I fear that if her depression cannot be acknowledged, that there is no chance for salvaging our marriage. I care and will be there, if she lets me. I don't know what to do at this point. Should I be patient, hope that she's right and that she will snap out of it? Prepare for divorce? Move back in and support her closer, and live separated in our own home for however long that takes? Or is she a lost cause that I'm fighting in vain for?
With what you described, yes, she has low self esteem/depression. My wife is like this. This leads to severe mood swings, self doubt, general unhappiness. They then start wondering why they're unhappy, maybe they with the wrong person, etc. Of course, there's always a possibility that that is it (being with the wrong person as the problem), but I really feel that's not the issue most of the time. At that point, there's only one thing we can do. Actually two. Keep loving and supporting them, and remember -
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference
Is there a friend or family member that she is close to or she looks up to that could talk to her? She may not accept the help from you but maybe from someone else?
And I know I should not be so concerned with her. That she has to come to terms
with things in her own time. But I care.
The anxiety that this whole sad situation has caused you is partially self-inflicted. You keep inviting your wife to behave in this way by not sticking up for yourself. Draw a line in the sand and dare her to cross it.
The line should definitely be divorce her.
Its not acceptable to completely put your life on hold for someone who cant even admit what her mental issue is. You have rights, USE THEM.
Yes. You care. But I guarantee that you can still care, but from a safe distance where your life doesnt have to be put completely on hold. You deserve better than that.
Look how much time and investment you put into writing that long post. You carry this sad story with you, and it is eating you alive. Ill say it again.
YOU DESERVE BETTER.