Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
New To the groupI was looking for anything, something where people might understand how I feel so here I am and now my poor friends can have a few days off. This is long so please bear with me (and this is the short version!)
We were together for 9 years, engaged for 1, married for 3.There have always been issues stemming from drinking, inability to maintain a job and a lack of trust. I had asked for couples counseling at least twice over the years prior to being married only to be told he didnt believe in therapy and the doctors are only out to make money. Over the years I found numerous inappropriate texts with other women or male friends regarding women. For some reason though (lack of confidence certainly) he was always been able to talk me off the ledge and work his narcissistic magic to smooth things over again.
A year ago I began an emotional affair with a coworker. There is no excuse. When I realized where it could very easily lead I confessed to my husband. He immediately threw me out of the house and we began our initial separation which lasted 4 months. I did everything I could short of quitting my job to work things out. We began counseling with 1 then a second therapist. I moved back in for 3 months and after a particularly nasty argument my clothes were thrown out the front door and I was once more out. We began seeing yet another new therapist who told us after only 4 sessions that we were toxic together and were one of the rare couples she recommended divorce to as she did not think we could be helped (I still think she is the best therapist we saw)
During this ENTIRE year, he has been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. He has called me every name under the sun. Called all our friends to tell them what a homewrecker I am and how I destroyed us. He took my dogs and refused to let me see them (I got them back in the divorce), called my parents and sister to call me names and argue with them for supporting me and threatened to have me fired from my job for unethical behavior. The list could go on for days.
Despite all of this, in October I went on a vacation with my girlfriends and the agreement was to not talk for the entire week to clear our heads and determine if there was anything worth saving. For whatever reason I decided there was. So when I returned I went to his place to surprise him with dinner and tell him SOMEHOW we could figure this out. When I got there I needed something off the computer and when I logged in his email was open. Something in my gut told me to check prior to making this declaration of love so I did. I found multiple emails back and forth with other women including naked pictures of both him and them but one in particular took the gold. It was a very long very descriptive email (including extremely graphic pictures) of the women he has been having unprotected sex with in our home AS WELL AS a fond memory of a threesome he had in MY house prior to us getting engaged. There were other extremely offensive and horrible things that had to do with me in particular as well. I forwarded the email to myself for lawyer purposes and obviously did not declare my undying devotion. Filed for emergency divorce the next day.
MY ISSUE ISWe sat in front of all those therapists, he cried and name called and tore me down every single day all the while sitting in the biggest web of lies I have ever seen. I honestly feel like I have no idea who I even married. He made me wish I was dead for what I had done to him and he had done and was doing SO many terrible things himself for the majority of, if not all of our relationship. I am so furious and so confused. When he had the threesome he was out of work, I was working 60 hours a week to keep a roof over our heads, make his truck payment and make sure in no way did his very socially proper family know he had lost yet another job.
So my question is this..How do I get over this anger? And worse yet, how can I still feel like I love this horrible man who never respected me? I want to both call and tell him I miss him and hate him in the same breath. Feels like Im losing my mind!!!!
We were together for 9 years, engaged for 1, married for 3.There have always been issues stemming from drinking, inability to maintain a job and a lack of trust. I had asked for couples counseling at least twice over the years prior to being married only to be told he didnt believe in therapy and the doctors are only out to make money. Over the years I found numerous inappropriate texts with other women or male friends regarding women. For some reason though (lack of confidence certainly) he was always been able to talk me off the ledge and work his narcissistic magic to smooth things over again.
A year ago I began an emotional affair with a coworker. There is no excuse. When I realized where it could very easily lead I confessed to my husband. He immediately threw me out of the house and we began our initial separation which lasted 4 months. I did everything I could short of quitting my job to work things out. We began counseling with 1 then a second therapist. I moved back in for 3 months and after a particularly nasty argument my clothes were thrown out the front door and I was once more out. We began seeing yet another new therapist who told us after only 4 sessions that we were toxic together and were one of the rare couples she recommended divorce to as she did not think we could be helped (I still think she is the best therapist we saw)
During this ENTIRE year, he has been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. He has called me every name under the sun. Called all our friends to tell them what a homewrecker I am and how I destroyed us. He took my dogs and refused to let me see them (I got them back in the divorce), called my parents and sister to call me names and argue with them for supporting me and threatened to have me fired from my job for unethical behavior. The list could go on for days.
Despite all of this, in October I went on a vacation with my girlfriends and the agreement was to not talk for the entire week to clear our heads and determine if there was anything worth saving. For whatever reason I decided there was. So when I returned I went to his place to surprise him with dinner and tell him SOMEHOW we could figure this out. When I got there I needed something off the computer and when I logged in his email was open. Something in my gut told me to check prior to making this declaration of love so I did. I found multiple emails back and forth with other women including naked pictures of both him and them but one in particular took the gold. It was a very long very descriptive email (including extremely graphic pictures) of the women he has been having unprotected sex with in our home AS WELL AS a fond memory of a threesome he had in MY house prior to us getting engaged. There were other extremely offensive and horrible things that had to do with me in particular as well. I forwarded the email to myself for lawyer purposes and obviously did not declare my undying devotion. Filed for emergency divorce the next day.
MY ISSUE ISWe sat in front of all those therapists, he cried and name called and tore me down every single day all the while sitting in the biggest web of lies I have ever seen. I honestly feel like I have no idea who I even married. He made me wish I was dead for what I had done to him and he had done and was doing SO many terrible things himself for the majority of, if not all of our relationship. I am so furious and so confused. When he had the threesome he was out of work, I was working 60 hours a week to keep a roof over our heads, make his truck payment and make sure in no way did his very socially proper family know he had lost yet another job.
So my question is this..How do I get over this anger? And worse yet, how can I still feel like I love this horrible man who never respected me? I want to both call and tell him I miss him and hate him in the same breath. Feels like Im losing my mind!!!!
Then there is shock & denial & ... The list goes on & on. All of the reasons why you still care, I know, I've been there.
Do what you have to do to grieve over hour lost relationship & move on. This clearly is not love.
Love yourself & let go. Thoughts & prayers. My heart goes out to you. TCB
Second of all, I cannot believe how some people are. It sounds like he had a great wife and just threw it all away, even before you all were married. This man was not only dishonest with you all along, but dishonest with himself. Not the type who should marry.
It is my feeling that you have to honestly look at how he really is. You have seen and experienced it yourself. You deserve MUCH better! And you WILL find it!
I can actually understand how and why you still care, no matter what he did or what happened. However, he has to do his part to genuinely make amends with you and show the effort to make things right with you. It sounds like he cannot and will not.
However, from all you have said, I still feel that you deserve MUCH better and that you WILL find it!
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Please keep us posted and feel free to vent.
If you get the chance read the book "Walking on Eggshells..Living with a Borderline Personality!!
This type of extreme behaviour is typical with this type!
I was very unfortunate to meet and marry a man whose behaviour was very similar to your ex! Almost impeccable behaviour before we married!
This type of personality are incapable of having a relationship!
I had absolutely no idea that he had this problem, very clever at hiding all of it until the day we got married...then all hell was rained down on me and it escalated to verbal, emotional then physical violence.
I eventually found out from his daughter(she's a doctor) that he had this problem and that her childhood had been a nightmare to live through!
Nothing is ever their fault.
Therapists cannot see through them and their "crazy making" behaviour leads to you being drawn into their extremely destructive behaviour patterns!
They are able to convince you that you are the problem and you are the one who needs fixing.
I don't want to go on too long but would want to say, I have been exactly where you are now and it was the worst period of my life by far!
He tried to destroy my life and went to great lengths to a try and achieve that!
I was so traumatised(and I'm quite a strong person) I could not even hold a conversation with another person! I was diagnosed with PTSD and my life was a living nightmare during and after the marriage!
I spent 2years in domestic violence counselling and now live where he cannot find me.
I begged and pleaded with him every day we were married to tell me what I needed to do to stop him screaming in my face(e.g. I loaded the dishwasher wrong!). i have never witnessed someone with such extreme rages ever in my life before or since!
I now live alone and prefer my own company and will not engage in conversations with men on any level...the lasting effects have been that damaging to me! I have suffered from hypervigilence and anxiety as a direct result of this relationship!
Absolutely no contact at all is the only way to get away from them, but your recovery from this will probably take years.
I am lucky in one respect that I had a mild stroke(due to all the stress) and my memory is not very good now so I have forgotten a lot of the really bad stuff....which has been a God send!!
I do hope you can find some way to extricate yourself from having any feelings of compassion for this man and start putting yourself first and keep yourself emotionally and physically well?!
As TCB says...Love yourself and le go.
Frustrat - my heart goes out to you for your situation and for imprisoning yourself in this unhealthy relationship. I've been there. Many others (from this site) have too. There is hope. There is even a way to get over this anger (& arrive at a state of forgiveness - which is for yourself much more than it is for his benefit).
Another book to check out is In Sheep's Clothing by George Simon. It was the 'antidote' to my ex's narcissistic tricks & manipulations. It helped me release from my own resistance to leaving & divorcing the man I'd been with for over 25 years (someone with similar problems to your STBX).
There are many steps along the path (& many resources to be leveraged, including this site). But there is a time & place where you leave the anger behind. Take slow, playful, deliberate action. Be patient and trust the process.
Hugs.
I also had the book the book you mentioned "In Sheep's Clothing"!!
and "Men Who Hate Women and The Women That Love Them"!!
The "Walking on Eggshells...LWABP" was recommended to me by EH's daughter(the doctor)...which I downloaded from amazon!
My heart sank and I felt sick to my stomach when I read it... because he fit all the criteria and there were even examples in the book that were exactly the same as I had experienced!!
I knew by then that this was a living nightmare that was going to end but it would not be on my terms...."he would tell me when the relationship was over"!! It was hell and I am no drama queen!!
Thank God I was able to get out of the relationship within 5years!!
But I had to move twice in that time to get away from him. I now live in a secure apartment block in another town and he does not know where I am!
One of the first things I did was change my name by deed poll because the thought of being called by his last name made me feel sick to my stomach!
I did not give up easily I did absolutely everything he asked me to and even went to marriage counselling on my own as he said I was the problem! The counsellor who was very experienced with Domestic Abuse said straight away that he would never come to an appointment because he believes he does nothing wrong and everyone else is to blame!
His verbal and emotional abuse escalated! I did not dare speak or move in my own home. I told him that he was frightening me with his screaming and he laughed hysterically, a very wierd laugh...but when the physical violence started I was gone within weeks!!
I can say that 4years later after the divorce was finalised, I learnt more about people in that 5years with him than I had in my whole previous life!!
It taught me to look at people in a different way, and not be so friendly and outgoing! I am still civilised with people but not as open!
I prefer my own company these days and love the peace and tranquility of living alone.
I have a very small select group of friends who understand my need for peace and quiet!!
Hugs and Good wishes for the coming year!
Welcome to the site! I think men like my and your ex are innately self centred. It doesn't matter what they do to hurt you, how selfish and hurtful their words/actions are - they still manage to be shocked, and even outraged if you "step out of line" with them.
It is literally because they see themselves as priority number one. Self serving, and you dared to step out of the comfort zone. If it wasn't the emotional affair, it would have been something else. Your partner sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies and any books relating to this you may find helpful.
I know you've had your eyes opened but i think it's important to reiterate that you DO NOT NEED this man even if it feels like you do. He is a negative energy and will always draw from you, not add. Take some time to grieve and then begin your life free from the oppression.
Good luck!
Still I can't hold onto hatred for him. I hate what he has done, what he continues to do but I really do want him to find happiness..most of the time. I just want him to admit that he manipulated me into marriage knowing that had i known about his transgressions before we became engaged we would not be here now. I also understand that people do slip and mistakes happen, once perhaps and if he had come to me the first time sincerely sorry and remorseful we may have been able to pull through after a lot of hard work. Even now though, anytime we do speak it is all my fault because I did not value marriage and what he did was prior to us exchanging vows and if I wasn't so ignorant I would understand the difference. (silly me, i thought committed was committed paperwork or no). When i bring up the pictures i have found of him with other women in our home we bought after our wedding that is glossed over and i was directly told that was NOT top be brought up again because i made him do it, he needed the validation and someone to make him believe he was good enough. Whatever.
How in the world does anyone ever trust anyone? So many lies
You can drive yourself crazy if you spend too much time trying to rationalise how or why a person behaves the way they do. You can rationalise about his upbringing, childhood, teenage years, life struggles but it will not change anything about this man's behaviour towards you.
He treats you this way because he can and that is who he is!
He may have been ok before you married but according to you he was not ok!
I made exactly the same mistake, thought my goodness and kindness would be enough to let him see I cared about him and that we could have a good life together.
That did not happen, his behaviour escalated and he did absolutely nothing other than what he wanted. Was unfaithful again and again.
The one regret I have in life was the 18years I wasted on this man from my late 20's till early 40's...He took all of my energy, sapped it right out of me.
Take whatever stuff you need, fill your car and leave...you will never get that time back. Find somewhere to go.
Speak to womens refuge because what you are experiencing is Abuse and believe me if you stay it will only get worse.
You do have the courage to do this! Hugs to you!!
Sorry I did not realise that you were already divorced so ignore the last paragraph.
Also the relationship I am referring to in this is my first relationship!
The other post relates to a more recent relationship so you could say it's taken me a long time to learn anything about relationships!!
But I'm no longer in one and haven't been for years as those 2 defintely put me off for life(I will be 60 this year)!!
Take care and look after yourself cos you're worth it!! xoxoxo
Divorce is as bad as bereavement, and the grief process is just the same!
I completely agree that we all deserve happiness, but you will need to find that within yourself by building up your self esteem and self worth.
Surround yourself with positive good people and stand in front of the mirror every morning and tell yourself how good you are!
Stick post it notes up with positive attributes you know you have.
You need to take the time to recover from this emotional nightmare that you have been through.
I started by going to Starbucks for a Latte and sticky bun because the staff were so nice and treated me with respect! But I live alone so needed something to get me back out into the world!
I was shaking the first time I went in to ask for my Latte thats how bad my lack of confidence and anxiety had become! And I would only speak to a female in any place I went to, I was unable to speak to men!
Now a few years later I am not doing too bad. have made some good friends, but don't really want to get into conversations with men!
But that could just be my lack of energy and a subconscious choice I have made to protect myself! It's whatever works for you that matters!
I also like me time, catching up on movies and reading, or DIY projects doing creative things! I have come to like my own space and love the peace and quiet in my own home.
So you take care of you and your pets and take good support from true friends.
Big hugs to you for a good day for you tomoro xoxoxo