Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello All,
I've been a DS member for more than a year. I stayed mostly on the infidelity board because my ex cheated on me back in 2010. I stayed to try to make it work but it was really a sham the whole time. He's living with the OW now and probably never stopped seeing her.
When I found out he was living with her it inspired me to start a blog about all the things that you lose in a divorce but not in a bad way. It's easy to count your losses in a negative way but I'm trying to spin it in a positive way...a little sarcastically but positive none the less.
It occurs to me that if we all think really hard about our life with our spouses before the divorce, it probably wasn't good at all. What have we really lost? Someone who didn't bring out the best in us because they weren't the best person for us.
Read the blog, follow me and spread the word. I'd like to help people see the positive even in the darkest days.
I've been a DS member for more than a year. I stayed mostly on the infidelity board because my ex cheated on me back in 2010. I stayed to try to make it work but it was really a sham the whole time. He's living with the OW now and probably never stopped seeing her.
When I found out he was living with her it inspired me to start a blog about all the things that you lose in a divorce but not in a bad way. It's easy to count your losses in a negative way but I'm trying to spin it in a positive way...a little sarcastically but positive none the less.
It occurs to me that if we all think really hard about our life with our spouses before the divorce, it probably wasn't good at all. What have we really lost? Someone who didn't bring out the best in us because they weren't the best person for us.
Read the blog, follow me and spread the word. I'd like to help people see the positive even in the darkest days.
Unfortunately, that isn't true in all cases. I really wish it was, it would have made so many things much easier. It's like my ex bumped her head one day and didn't tell anyone about it and became someone nobody knew, not even her parents. We had the marriage that even our friends complimented quite often. We had the marriage where other people's kids considered us their second set of parents. We had the marriage where 'things' weren't an issue and retirement was well prepared for. We had the marriage where I excelled beyond my goal of my career and assisted her in reaching heights in her own business neither of us expected. We had the marriage where we supported each other and if she had difficult clientele to deal with, they ultimately had to deal with me. We had each other's back.
If I was to ask for a better marriage there isn't a topic I could address that could make sense. If I couldn't appreciate what we had, then I couldn't appreciate anything. What caused her to fall for another man, (one of her clients), I don't know, she didn't even know. It made her feel young again is what it amounted to. She lasted 3 years with him, she lasted 29 years with me.
I may somehow find a positive relationship again, a relationship where each nurtures and cares for the other, but none of these women will be the mother of my children, grandmother to my grandchildren, and at this age that is what I consider golden. I lived a great life for 49 years and I fully thought I'd have the golden years too. I was wrong. The gold is gone, the best I can do now is silver, that silver lining. That silver lining we seek for while we are making lemonade out of lemons.
Gawd I am so bad at this social networking thing!!!
"The difference between then and now is that when he shows me who he is; I believe him and that is the greatest gift that Ive been given in all this: I let him keep the rose colored glasses in the divorce and I DO NOT want him to forward those!"
and
"The problem really isnt the character deficient people; its us silly folks with our ridiculous expectations of others to do the right thing."
These two statements are TOTALLY me! I think I built a 14 year relationship with my husband all on the silly beliefs that he was a much better person than he actually kept showing me he was. Time after time again though, he would show me his character and for some reason I believed that he was a good person deep down and that he would eventually not be like that or once we were married he would stop lying or once we had a family he would be less selfish, etc, etc.
Now, I am trying to take him how he is. I am figuring out that all the things he has done and ways he has acted are really HIM not just bad choices that he has made. On the contrary, they are actually his norm. Honestly, this huge realization and acceptance is one of the only things getting me through this horrible time. I do not want to be with a person that has such HUGE character flaws and doesn't regret them or see any reason to change them. I don't want that for my future and I shouldn't have to deal with that. He is who is he is. He has proven that time after time. He will never change and I deserve more than that.
Thanks for the reminder. I will check the rest of your blog out when I get a chance.
Before his affair I thought I enjoyed myself a great deal. In the beginning when we didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, we worked together and made it through. From about 2003-2010, our children were more independent, we had more disposable income, we traveled more and had what I thought was a great time.
I loved my life with him right up until 11/19/10 when I discovered he had an affair. That irrevocably changed everything but it's also when I examined things realistically and came to the conclusion that I had been "spackling" over a lot of things that weren't right before then.
Our entire relationship he made me feel 'less than' because I could never make him happy enough. I also overlooked that before I married him he paid someone to have his car stolen and burned because he owed too much money and was looking for an easy way out. Later, I overlooked the fact that he felt entitled to his rich uncle's money and was pissed that his dad didn't ask the same rich uncle to pay for our son's college tuition. (We didn't get help from the federal government because together we earned more than enough money to pay for his tuition ourselves)
When he told me that he asked his dad to ask his brother (my ex's rich uncle) for "help" paying for our son's tuition and that he was mad at his father for not asking I said "Why should your uncle pay for our son's tuition?" He replied that because he had a lot of money he should've helped the family" but that honestly didn't make sense to me. At the core we were very different and I overlooked a lot of that because I was right in the thick of it but I think it was like sticking a square peg in a round hole because I wasn't wired the same way.
When I finally asked for a divorce and moved away and could see the "forest through the trees" I realized that he was the same character deficient human being he had always been, i just refused to see it because I loved him or I was co-dependent. Probably a little bit of both.
Anyway, when I was ready to be really honest with myself I realized that my husband was NOT over powered by the charms of another woman: he was just character deficient. He may have been unhappy in OUR relationship; who isn't when all relationships have peaks and valleys? The bottom line is that he could've been honest and asked me for a divorce but he is passive aggressive and kind of a big coward and unfortunately if I'm really honest with myself he always was.
I guess my ultimate answer is that Yes, I thought I was happy but he was a scam, so I probably was just covering up the issues to make myself feel better about the marriage.
The point of my blog is that yes, you do lose a whole lot in a divorce but ultimately, if you're really honest with yourself and examine the person you were married to, it's probably not as much as you think.
I'm glad that my blog posts have resonated with you. I just want to help people see that it's not necessarily them that is the problem. Divorce sucks and I don't think anyone enters it lightly but sometimes it's necessary to preserve our self esteem.
Abusers of any kind are people we should get away from. Emotional, physical or cheating. Cheating is abuse. When my ex cheated on me he made unilateral decisions about our finances and my health without my knowledge. That is abuse. THE END.
In order to retain my self respect, I stopped living through a false reconciliation attempt that included him making me feel lucky that "he chose me instead of the other woman" and eventually moved onto a new life.
I gave up my beautiful house, traveling and my dogs. Two were temporary (beautiful house and traveling-I will buy a better house and travel) but my dogs were permanent as I never can replace them. People were envious of us and wanted "to be us" but that's only because they didn't know what was going on inside our white picket fence.
I suspect it's that way for a lot of divorced people and I only want to put a mirror up to their past relationship, help them see that maybe it wasn't all that and a bag of chips, and move onto to something better. They didn't respect us or want us and that's their right but it's also their loss.
Thank you for sharing your blog... I needed this perspective these days. I'm in the process of a divorce which I asked for after 4 years of trying so hard to fix our 18 yr marriage. We've been together for half our lives - 23 yrs. we have 2 beautiful girls 9 & 3.
It was a very long thought out decision to ask for the divorce.
I still second guess myself some days. It is painful. As you mention, as I started to peel away the layers of the past 2 decades, I realize my husband was always like this too.
It makes me SO sad. I think what is wrong with me?? Why couldn't I see it? Why couldn't I stand up for myself? Why did I justify and rationalize his behavior?
I too am catholic and that is one heck of an upbringing :)
I always thought this is "through good times and bad" ... But as I reflect back, why was I the one who was mostly dealing with and accepting the bad?
I hope I can work my way out of this state of sadness I seem to be living in constantly. And the huge loss of innocence I had. I used to love unconditionally. I no longer can do that. I've lost trust and faith in people. That hurts the most. I don't want to pass that negativity onto my baby girls. I hope I can feel "thankful" for the lessons I've learned and teach my girls to be strong, independent ... And help them to be able to recognize poor behavior. I hope they can love unconditionally one day and hope even more they get that in return.
Thanks for sharing :)
I was married 23 years before he cheated. stayed with him for 3.5 years more and in the end was married almost 27 years. It hurts to lose someone that you've been with for that long but I've come to realize I've been covering up a lot over the years.
That was hurtful too. To realize that you were complicit in covering up the deficiencies of a person is very hard. I have my good days and bad but I'm trying so hard to look at this in a positive light.
A lot of the stuff I 'so called' lost were actually not bad things to lose. He was not good for me and it took a lot of soul searching to get to that point of realization.
I have a while to go but I'm putting myself out there, doing good things and meeting good people. I have to believe that someone who is not as character deficient as my ex is out there and will love me like I deserve to be loved. If not, I am happy in my own skin for the first time in almost three decades.
I know this process sucks but I know I made the right decision. I hope you find your way as well.