Divorce is not all that it's cracked up to be. I don't know how long you've been feeling this way, I just advise to not rush into things. I know sometimes people anticipate relief believing that leaving a relationship will wipe away all the years of stress and strain. There's a whole lot more to it than that and lifelong repercussions for everyone. I'm divorced, so very happy I did it despite the changes and chaos it brought and was also branded the "bad girl" because I initiated it. It took a long time to shake that image I had of being the bad one.

Have you gone to marriage counseling with her? With a good counselor, you can gauge the health of your relationship pretty quickly, to see if she (and you) have any interest in working on it. I found my ex had zero interest, although he said otherwise. His actions spoke louder than his words.

You don't give a lot of detail as to whether you two communicate (real discussions) about things. Regardless if you stay together or not, communication is KEY even when you have kids. I'm guessing they're still at home? Still in school? Have you given realistic thought as to what life in two households will be for you and the kids?

As to your wife with her "they're just people" in bars, that's obviously a load of crap. Married women (with strained marriages no less) don't hang out regularly in bars and just "talk" to guys. Crappy childhood aside, she's a big girl now and really, she wants to have her kids have a bar fly as a mom?

I am going to go with the opposite view. Divorce is not the end of the world, at least in my case. I was married 17 years, 2 kids. My ex and I were just complete opposites, no affairs, no alcohol or drugs. We just grew apart. When we first split, it was devastating but as time has gone on we both realize it was for the best and our children have adjusted well to the change. This is my experience so I cannot say whether yours would be like this or not as I have known of contentious divorces.

You don't deserve to be abused. Your wife needs to grow up. If you do file for divorce, it may be the wake up call she needs. Sad but sometimes it take that. You would have to decide whether or not you would be willing to try to save it at that point. Your children, should be your main concern before you make any decision but I have to believe that the kids realize there is tension between the two of you. That is not a healthy atmosphere for them to grow up in.

The bottom line is that you deserve more than this. Whether you go it alone or move onto another relationship, you deserve more. It is not your responsibility to fix your wife. She has to want to change and it sounds like she doesn't.

If you don’t mind paying alimony and child support for probably a looong time, YES, you should file for a divorce. However, it is going to be ugly and draining. If you think you can live with her reckless lifestyle... then stay. Who am I to tell you what to do, but 18 years is considered a long term marriage and the court will not let you off the hook too easily, especially if you are the bread winner. Have you thought about having your own fun lifestyle on the side? I know this sounds bad, but if you equally do not have any feelings for one another this can be a solution and avoid all the crazy legal stuff.

thanks guys for all your help.
I've thought a lot of this possible divorce. Like I previously said, I feel like I've invested a great part of my life in our family. And for me to just end it breaks my heart. Yes to the post about staying in it and just having someone else. By yes I mean that my wife proposed that idea also. Its not in my morals to do that..plus what kind of example would I be showing my kids. Granted they are 13, 16, 18...they know what's going on. Why would I spend my life with someone I have no desire to be with. I think the hardest part is that I still love her in some crazy bizzaro way. We had a talk today...she once again proposed separation. I said no i want a divorce...I told her if you don't know what u want by now I don't want to be with you. I know it sounds cruel but I feel exhausted drained and frankly over it. (let me read the posts)

Don't writer her off just yet! Theres got to be treason why her behavior has changed and escalated. She may be having personal issues with her aging! She may be feeling something internally about herself or she may just be abusive. I am in the midst of my own split but consider going to therapy. I tried to get my husband too and he won't. So here I am, in the process of ending this. If she doesn't what to change her behaviors or she continues being abusive to you, you may want to consider your next steps.

jojored.....no we haven't gone to counseling. Everytime we get back together we say we will go but nothing ever comes of it. I believe we communicate ...I think. Today she said that she goes out because she needs space and that I'm too controlling. I control the bills..money..and everything else according to her. My response was yes I do control all of what u said...I work my ass off and yes I do like my bills paid on time. I think my biggest gripe is that I gave her this lifestyle and I guess it's never enough. I truly feel like I'm just a bank to her.

ifinallygetit...I believe that i am making the right decision based on who we are at this point of time. We were always opposite people but I think that's what attracted me to her from the get go. Nowadays...I don't know why I'm still here...fear of the unknown...fear of change? I think that is more of her thinking now because she keeps threatening with a nasty divorce. I told her she can have half..like the judge would probably say..half the assets and half the debt. OMG did she freak out when she heard that. She wants the assets and 0% of the bills. I do get it...she can't afford any of the things we have now...and I believe that is whats keeping her here...ugh.

mrsunhappy...well last fight I broke it down to her..I told her 100% of our arguments are due to her drinking. She admitted it was a problem and said she would get help. Guess where she is as we speak?...back at the bar.

You are definitely right about the fear of the unknown and the fear of change... That keeps so many of us hanging on and settling for crumbs. I have mentioned several time to my stbx about being unhappy and trying to explain why. I have proposed divorce twice before...each time I was talked into waiting and thinking about it (His translation to that was...ok, she's good for now)

Last Monday I did finally go and have the papers drawn and filed. The fact that i did tell him what was coming led to a very angry night of arguing ( but not so many tears as i knew I need to do this) he has said he doesn't want this and will fight, but , unlike you, we don't have endless funds to cover extensive legal fees.

The fact that she is proposing you both have someone on the side does say she doesn't want to lose that lifestyle you have provided her. You could do that, but that does show your kids and you yourself that you do not put so much value on you, your happiness or your worth as a human being.

sadly, since you two have been together for awhile, this could be a kind of mid life crisis (little early)... wanting to get out and explore something different. You mentioned her crappy childhood... if she had a dysfunctional background, until she faces and deals with that, she may easily be trying to just drink her way into oblivion. (Often issues can result in turning to other addictions... alcohol, drug, sex, .....)

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You deserve to be happy and for what it's worth, I think you should go ahead and file for divorce. I can only hope it may wake her up to try to get help for herself, but that is not your problem. You have tried to provide for and care for her and your family. You can't fix her, She needs to do that herself. It is time you move ahead and discover your own happiness ( and maybe eventually someone who will treat you as you would someone you do love)

God bless.

veggie.....thanks for the support...I truly think I'm doing the right thing. I am trying to work it out per my decision to seek counseling.

I do wish you the best and hopefully the counseling will benefit both of you.

Hey urnotkool,

I will be married 17 years tomorrow. Together for 25. I am looking to end our marriage. It is scary and exciting at the same time -if that makes sense, Sadness is a big part of this as we have 3 children but ....I just can't do it anymore. Good luck to you.

jane- wow sorry to hear about that...that is a long time. IDK seems like today divorce is so common...it turns my stomach.
I know that everyone has a breaking point and there is nothing wrong in feeling that you've given it your all with no change in the troubled relationship.
Why are you sad?

I wish you the best.

OK, so no couples counseling. You should go, for yourself. My ex and I did marriage counseling for a couple months at the end, but he refused to do the homework and "forgot" appointments. That behavior was exactly what I needed to make my final decision to divorce. He'd been delaying me for years on counseling or having true conversations and making real changes in the marriage, yet I continued to let it slide. Him delaying and stalling the counselor, an objective third party, was something I couldn't deny. I think your wife is great at stalling too. It seems pretty obvious she's not going to work on the betterment of your marriage, despite what she's saying.

I think you should go ahead and divorce, and seek to have primary physical and legal custody of the kids. They need stability which it seems she isn't able to provide. I could imagine if she had primary custody, the fridge would be stocked with booze and the bills left unpaid. Forget about preparing these kids for adulthood. Someone has to be in "control" of life, and you should not be made out to be a bad guy for taking responsibility.

My former sister-in-law had primary of her two kids, is an alcoholic and bar fly, and I remember her kids telling me they saw her drunkenly dancing on St. Patty's Day at some pub on the local tv cable channel. They weren't impressed. She blew her alimony and child support money on herself and lost the family house to foreclosure. Moved herself and her kids in with alcoholic grandpa and grandma. Fast forward 10 years, and her son OD'd. Those kids didn't have a chance, and unfortunately their dad didn't intervene enough to help them. This is an extreme case, I realize, but stuff like this does happen when one parent is out of control. Get primary custody!

Well we went to counseling last week...to be honest we left feeling cheated...but I guess that's the process. Idk im not the type of person who goes and seeks a professional so idk.
Nothing was resolved from our session but we have 5 more.
After the consultation I think we both are trying our darnest to make it work...I mean 18 yeas is a lot I'm my mind.
None the less I feel like we are trying to paddle up river...same problems and same people deep down.
Idk I wish the best for everyone going thru this process...it's HARD!!