Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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jojored 02/20/2017

9 months into the legal proceedings, and his lawyer is finally shaking some sense into stbx. I sometimes feel as if I have two lawyers on my side - mine and his. His had to actually ask me in front of stbx what my "grand slam" settlement would be. I replied that I know I won't get a grand slam, no one does, it's not possible. He said, yes, that's what I'm trying to show stbx. So I told him my "grand slam". Then he stated stbx's "grand slam". "See stbx", his lawyer said, "you don't get what you want, she doesn't get what she wants". Stbx really is that thick and stubborn, but he just might be starting to understand and dare I say compromise. He "feels" that after the new house sells, he won't have enough money to get his own place. Fricking run some numbers, idiot. I've done it, and he'll be fine, especially after receiving half of my 401K and after I buy him out of the old house. He'll have enough cash to buy a nice little house or condo (probably nicer than the one I'm in) with a mortgage less than what I have (because he refused to refinance all these years, because "we're building a new house soon"). He can't do ANYTHING for himself! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, to my point. In early March we have an "economic" mediation, court ordered. Stbx "should" have his financials in order by then and his lawyer will have run some numbers (because stbx can't!). My lawyer has a strong feeling that we will settle then. If that's the case, and it's known that I'm keeping the old house, where is stbx to go? How will I pay the mortgage? I don't have much money left, stbx has no money, we still have a ton of credit card debt brought about by him. The new house is listed pretty high for it's square footage. It's a custom, really expensively built house, not that big though compared to it's price tag. The realtor said we have to wait for the right buyer, likely a childless couple who wants a summer home out near a river. He feels the price is right, and we legally have to accept any offer within $25K of list.

An option that comes to mind, ick, is to have stbx continue to live here and pay rent till the new house sells. Or for a few months. I don't know.

I won't lose this house (financially it's the best option for me), but I can't refi or pay off the mortgage without the sale of the other house.

What are some scenarios you guys have dealt with or are considering? As it is, I give him the run of the house when we're both home. I stay out of the livingroom, where he watches tv most of the day, and I created an office upstairs for him, so he doesn't have to keep barging in or threatening to barge into my room. I don't know if I could continue this post divorce. As I type this, I'm pretty sure I would be committing emotional suicide.

Anyone wanna buy a house?

CrushedDad 02/20/2017

It's a struggle thru every step. My stbx moved out when I suggested she had to pay rent (mortgage) and half the grocery bill. That really pissed her off - not my intention. I just refinanced and bought her out of her half. Even when she was here it was minimal contact. She keeps saying she gave me the house but she got a boatload of cash since we were in an awesome equity position. The sooner you get him out the sooner you will find some peace. Best of luck to you.

eribroken123 02/20/2017

Jojo this sounds like me as well.......I have to sell an investment property in order to pay for the debt we have together (That will take 4 to 5 months) then the current house I am in - My primary residency also have to be sold in order for me to buy a small home somewhere for me and the kids. In top I have to have him in my house still because we do not have money for him to rent somewhere :( To live with him in the house is a NIGHTMARE that I do not wish on anyone.......For me I wish I do not feel anything but it is the opposite I still care and love him........I want to hate him for pursuing the Divorce

jojored 02/20/2017

Thanks for the replies. Crushed I wish we werre in a better financial situation but the building of this "dream house" of his killed us financially and made us house poor. There's no buying out able to happen now, I'd have done it 9 months ago if I could have. Eribroken123 are you still married yet? I'm thinking once the divorce papers are signed the dynamics of the relationship may change so much that living together, if only for a few months, might prove impossible. Am I really still going to be the one who disappears when he's home? At this point, avoidance is best, and I don't see that changing till he's out of my sight on a daily basis. I can see myself having a cordial relationship with him, but that's later down the road when we're legally and physically not together.

So much is still up in the air, I'm just trying out different possible solutions.

mirandac 02/20/2017

Can you make him move in with his mother
Or stay at the new house until sold? This
Could be awhile.

We did our financials on paper, he had two
years To complete buying me out and get
A new refi for the property. HUGS

jojored 02/20/2017

"can I make him...." No, never. He does not do what he does not want to do. I do not want him moving into the new house, we couldn't then sell it as "new", which would mean a reduction in sales price. Plus he's an absolute slob and a smoker. Since the fall, he started smoking inside the house. It smelled so bad and is a huge turnoff to just about everyone (except smokers, I guess). Finally he stopped doing that, but he's not there anymore, even though there are many punch list items to complete and his tools to clean up. If he lived there, he would smoke inside.

He could move in with his mom, she's an hour away and roughly 40 minutes from work, but I don't see that happening. He does nothing but complain about her, and she'd be asking him to help with projects around the house (rightfully so!). She's 80 this year and he doesn't ever help her unless his brother is in from out of state, then he has to appear as if he gives a crap.

I realize that once divorced we were to co-habitate, it would be on my terms, and he may not even want that.

onedayatatimeforme 02/20/2017

I think the possible option of him living with a friend or mother as low rent or rent free until the house sells would be best. I could never live in the same house with my stbx.. been there done that and I found myself playing hide and seek so I could be in a room where he was not. I have never heard of while going through divorce the spouse can still live in the house and still proceed with a divorce , I hope that stbx does not get wind of that because he will use it . My sister's divorce a pure nightmare her ex got half of her retirement, k plan and savings, she could not afford to live in the house so she had to rent a room for her and child in someone's basement , she would stay with friends just so she could still pay the bills until the house sold , she had to sell things and do all the repairs herself. What ever you have to do to stay in your comfort level is best , I wish you luck and hugs to ya

onedayatatimeforme 02/20/2017

Btw: Don't mind me I just notice before I pressed the send button that it is " living with stbx after divorce " I could not do that because that would make me bonkers . I can understand that if it makes it better for you as far as money is concerned but there is no price for your sanity and happiness .

mirandac 02/20/2017

Whatever was in my decree happened.

I was given more like a curtesy that gave me
time To find a place to live. I tried to be speedy
But it took me 1-1/2 months to find a place
And to move.

I was fearful he would get pushy Since the
decree said he had the house and The very
end little details were not in my decree. He
would have had to evict me.

With your stbx i would have it in the decree
You might never get rid of him. Alimony was
The big sticking point with my ex. He would not
Sign until we agreed on terms about that first.
HUGS

jojored 02/21/2017

I think the decree will have to be about 100 pages long. Stbx is great at finding loopholes in all situations. One of his best PA tricks is "well, you didn't say I couldn't.....", as a child might say. So if the decree were to say he must move out of the house within 30 days, he might pitch a tent in the backyard on day 29. "Well, you didn't say I couldn't stay in the yard". The good thing is that my lawyer has seen enough to understand his delay tactics, and she regularly asks me how I think he will respond to different situations. I just need to remember his primary driving forces are laziness and complacency.

trisha9054 02/21/2017

I don't see how ya'll can do this. Live in the same house during the divorce and maybe after. I'm so lucky my divorce was in SC. One year living separate and apart to get my "procedure" as the ex called the divorce. . I managed to get 19 months before the divorce was final but that was because the ex was overseas working and that slowed everything down.

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