Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi, I am new here. I have been seperated sence June of 2016 and have been married for 18 years. Well he is the one that left due to me being a total bitch no sex or affection on my part but he was drinking to much also.I never wanted him to leave and always want him to come back. well he has shown some interest in doing that but I can tell it will be on his terms. I am not a very patient person. Just not sure what to do if I push him he will run. Lord show me patients. Getting tired of Limbo
" .I never wanted him to leave " you never wanted him when he was around
"due to me being a total bitch no sex or affection on my part" you clearly don't have any affection and arousal towards him.
You are just with him for the security and provision. You just don't want to be alone. He is probably the guy you settled for in your early 30's but not the type of guy you would have dated in your early and mid 20's.
He was/is 'attractive' as a husband/father ( nice, dependable, loyal, providing etc. ) but not specifically 'arousing' (charming, fun, tall, confident and dominant ) for you as a partner. Which explains your lack of genuine interest in having sex with him, or wanting to show any affection
At best sex with him was a chore, just enough to keep him from complaining too much, even that got boring and tiring with time.
I try to warn men that a woman has two fundamental perceptions of a man : alpha or beta; if you can count the number of times you had sex with your woman, she perceives you as a beta. An alpha can't keep count of the frequency of the hot steamy sex he has with his lady.
". . . but I can tell it will be on his terms. " : wow! Look how dreadful the prospect meeting the demand for frequent sex with your husband is to you! It's so repulsive, it's almost feels like incest . .
After 18 years of marriage he isn’t buying the excuses anymore. He is finally realising that he has being giving attention, provision, security, commitment with no reward at all : His bachelor friends get more sex than he does ( with different younger women too ).
". . .I am not a very patient person" but I'm sure he is, after years of begging for sex from his wife
I think it's best for both of you to get a divorce.
@comingorgoing, What are "his terms" and why would that be so difficult to manage? Unless of course Jamess is correct on one point. That this "marriage" of yours is purely a power struggle of who can keep the upper hand.
You must consider your happiness too. Sometimes, being in love with someone becomes so intense that we use it as excuse to neglect ourselves. Something must be wrong if you can't find yourself attracted enough for sex, to your husband. However, it does NOT automatically mean the problem is you. Quite frankly, after a year plus ... I would think it is time for you to move on as best you could. Instead of spending energy 'in limbo', spend energy figuring a way out.
Either way, chose a route. Think it through, and all its implications as you know it. And let's go from there. All the best.