Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Letting Go

bigguy3
bigguy3
My ex-wife was very emotionally abusive to me in our relationship. She wasn't this way for the first couple of years but it started soon thereafter and got worse as time went by. She was selfish, manipulative, controlling, and could not control her spending. Over the past several years she has treated me like I was insignificant in her life and started drinking again at the end of our relationship. Even after all of the abuse I still hung on to hope that we could reconcile. It has been 5 months since the divorce and well over a year since things went completely sour ... and I still feel love for her. With everything that happened I should be grateful for the divorce ... but I'm not. I never wanted the divorce and still held onto hope that we could work things out until I signed the divorce papers (and even then there is still a part of me that has hope).

I have read the book Betrayal Bond that discusse situations like this and I could see myself in several of the examples. I have been seeing a therapist to work through my issues and get through the pain of this divorce but I am having a lot of trouble letting go. Any suggestions?
JoeTex
JoeTex
Some here might disagree but it seems that the idealized image of your x is holding you back. You are spending your life in the past instead of in the present. Stop looking back at the idea of the marriage you once had, and start looking forward to the new life you deserve. You can let go, it is scary, but it is up tp you if you want to move forward and find happiness again. Not just happiness, but JOY. Feel yourself with healthy things. Do the things that interest you. Sure she will pop in from time to time in your memory, but you will survive this, but only if you find the courage to let go and move forward. I know this first hand. My situation is very similar to yours. When we are emotionally abused, our identity takes a hit. Our esteem is shattered. You must rebuild who you are and learn that what once was, is no more. Go get that wonderful new life you deserve. The only thing holding you back is yourself. Good luck and God bless!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
My soon to be ex husband was the same way to me and i understand where your coming from. I do still love him. Don't know why. But i just push forward everyday. We have been seperated for a yr now. I try to think of the future and the good things in life instead of the past and all the bad. All i can say is just focus on the good in your life and your future happiness. No more fights and being controlled and depression. I'm here if you wanna talk..
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm leaving a situation similar to yours. It takes a LOT of emotional work for someone who is controlling and abusive to change their behavior. This behavior tends to stem from very low self-esteem.

The point I'm trying to make is WHY would you want to continue to married to someone who treated you like that? It is very common for people with these personality traits to be 'okay' for a few years and then to go in full verbal abuse mode. The chances of you ex changing are very slim at this point. Try to keep that in mind when you long for her. Focus on on the freedom you now have from her abuse.

I'm told by my counselor and friends that there are a lot of people out there who are NOT verbally abuse and controlling. Try to work on how to attract more healthy women. Good luck.