I apologize if this is not the forum, but I need an outlet. This is a letter intended to my ex-wife. 

For four days, I was able to function a little normal even though it's a constant effort just to get through the day without breaking down. But today, I feel like I'm back in my black hole of full of pain. I'm not even sure if I slept last night or not. I have this agonizing feeling this morning as soon as I open my eyes. It felt like I have been thinking or maybe dreaming about us the whole night. I guess, even my subconscious is battling these painful process. Now, I terribly miss you..I miss us. It's painful because you probably don't even care. The last time we spoke you made me feel like I was the most horrible person your ever met. You made me think that maybe I'm a narcissist and that I verbally abused you. I know I said hurtful things when we're fighting, and we both did. I also know I'm domineering and I would easily raise my voice when I trying to prove my point. And, I am the type of person who knows what I want and hard to convince when things doesn't make sense to me. But would make me a narcissist or bad person? Am I really that bad? I took test after test to check if I'm really narcissist or maybe have some type of behavior disorders. I even read articles and multiple websites to check if I fall into the category that requires behavioral help. But the test always come up that I'm not and I didn't fit to the description. It's probably easier for me to accept the demise of our marriage if I knew and truly felt that I'm really bad person. I can own that mistake and you know I will. I can't and it's hard to fill the gaps you left in my head. I have so many doubts And unsure about myself. Am I just that oblivious? Perhaps, I'm in complete denial? Or maybe, I am really the monster you really think I am? I honestly don't know anymore, and I probably will never know because you don't want to talk to me, and you didn't even want to consider marriage counseling prior to our divorce. You basically just "break up" with me even though we were married. You want me to easily accept your final decision that it's over. And here I am right now left with so many unanswered questions. Until now, I'm beating my head about what happened to us and our marriage. It felt like you have a clock already ticking even before we had our fight and now "time is up". You told me I should have seen it coming, but how? How could I see it coming when we were just talking about you wanting to replace your wedding ring with something thicker band? How could I see it coming when we just purchased our concert tickets to celebrate our anniversary and talking about our vacation with your friends? How can I see it coming when we were just discussing and planning for our retirement? How could I see it coming when I'm fully invested in our marriage and expecting that we'll grow old together?  Please tell me how? How can I move on while I'm still lost and searching for answers to many questions you left unanswered. How can I move on when I'm still complete my in love with you?