Interesting post pease

Yeah, I have one of those "personality disorders". I'm getting help.

I did put in effort and compromise to make my marriage work. I gave it everything I had, and then I realized it wasn't healthy for me.

I choose not to repeat my behavior over.

Good thought, peace.

I am in the beginning stages of a relationship and have been thinking a lot on #3.

I married the man I dated at 16. He is 6 years older than me so whatever he said or wanted was how it was. I was in love and neglected at home so I didn't demand anything of him in order to keep from rocking the boat. He was controlling and dismissed any of my requests but boy I'd better respond to his. Over time I found myself shutting down and just doing what he wanted. It was unhealthy for me. I see it now.

Although my situation was extreme...my Ex had narcissistic tendencies; I think the key is balance. Give and take

With my new relationship I plan to try to just be myself and encourage him to do so also. If after the honeymoon phase we are just not that into each other then we will go our separate ways.

Did the whole damsel, let me rescue you thing. Also did the- we're perfect together this will never end thing.

I'm not young and lately I realize that most my relationships were to fill a void that perhaps was caused as a child. Not healthy me thinks.

And that is what I like about this place. It makes me think.. And helps me heal somewhat.

HELP! HELP!

Sorry couldn't help myself.

Yes I do...but then again...I'm an addict.

great thread, pease!

yeah, when stressed in my relationships i used to primarily be one of three things:

1. the Persecutor (eg. "what a jerk!")... or 2. the Rescuer (eg. "i'll do that for you!") or 3. the Victim (eg. "look what he made me do!!!").....

and then i realized these roles were no longer acceptable to ME.... that i was doing harm to ME and to OTHERS!

then i learned about BOUNDARIES... and then the $%^& hit the fan because i started saying, "no, that won't work for me." .... (my alanon sponsor said to me at the time, it will get worse before it gets better!)

and then slowly.... very slowly... i got healthier... and started taking responsibility for MY life....

and then... i noticed when i began to

listen more than persecute...

strategize more than rescue...

persevere instead of accepting the lie that i am only a victim...

i began to heal... and grow...

i'm still growing... learning... and gaining confidence...little by little

...

i look to the left and to the right and i notice i am NOT alone!!! i have good friends who are walking beside me .... cheering me on and i am privileged to be there for them also.

with gratitude,
PH

yes to all 5 questions,
guess i'm insane!

In the relationship I had with my ex, I tried to be the one who would do whatever it took to make it work. I did not try to change her, but I also could not continue a relationship with the person who she finally showed herself to be. She was the only one who could do what she needed to in order to be who she wanted to in this life.

I don't look for any kind of characteristics that would relate to anyone in my so-called "family".

One thing I have learned since the split with my ex and a few failed attempts at connecting with someone after my ex, was that I can't keep doing what I did as I will only continue to reap that. I have to recognize what I am not getting, learn it and do something about it this time.

I am still a work in progress, but I do know that I am better at recognizing, learning and tailoring my actions to be more pro for me instead of always making sure that the other person feels better at the cost of a part of me.

I wasn't going to reply to this one because I was afraid I'd come across as either narcissistic or in denial. I'm actually neither. I've been through a few relationships and one extremely destructive and life changing divorce with my kids father. That last one taught me so much about myself and I got to the root of a lot of my problems and really feel like I grew as a person. I was alone for a few years after that when I met my stbx (again *sigh*). One of the things that he told me attracted him to me was the fact that I was self confident and didn't need anyone.

So the answer to the question is no, I don't. I'm not looking for my Father, trying to change who anyone is and don't need anything from a partner other than, well a partner. That's the scary part in all this for me. Even when you feel you found the right person to be with and you have a healthy relationship something can still go radically wrong. I'm not quite sure how to trust a relationship at all anymore... except to maybe just jump in again and realize that it might all fall apart again without me having any control over it, but not to worry about it happening.

Yes. Yes. and Yes.
(do I win anything?!) ;)

No, what you're describing is sort of the definition of codependency, give or take a few minor differences.

I actually thought i had graduated from "bad boys". I married a "good boy". A nice & decent guy.

That's what hurts... But i also realize my patterns, and my own attachment & abandonment issues.

I didn't pick a bad boy this time; but i still picked someone who was not a true grown-up. Once he started to grow up, he wanted to move on...

Yes to saviour and hero, yes to change your mate and yes to the repitition.

THANKFULLY--I see it now and am healing!

Sometimes I can't believe the insanity that was my life! This Tday I am trully grateful for the healing that has been coming!

yes. i tried to be a hero and change douche bag into a person that holds himself responsible for his actions. it didnt work.

yes. i realize what my issues where in the relationship. first and foremost, i did not love myself as much as i loved him. second, and along the same lines, it was my first long term relationship after being raped and my self esteem was out of wack. i am currently working on both of these things.

as for my exhusband working on his douchbagginess- the truth will come out. it always does.